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Seahawks versus Bengals: Week Eight Wishes Spooky Scary Edition


Hmmm... I will have to double-check my findings.  I could have sworn that was going to spell Seahawks.

Indeed, it is the weekend before Halloween and I can't wait to see your Sexy Seahawks Costumes.  Or your sexy nurse, sexy french maid, or sexy President Taft.  

To me, Halloween represents horror movies and so it's a very special time of year for me.  Horror movies helped shaped a lot of my childhood and eventually my adulthood, because for whatever reason who you are as a kid effects you later in life.  

A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Night of the Demons, Sleepaway Camp, Child's Play, Alien, Predator, and their thousands of sequels are just a part of the movies I grew up watching every day.  Then when I was 13 a movie called Scream came out and changed my life.

I know it sounds silly in retrospect, but Scream was a huge part of my development as a person.  I remember when it came out in theaters, and still too young to see it, I had to wait until it came out on video.  I knew it was directed by Wes Craven, the same person that gave me Elm Street, and that it had won the MTV Movie Award for Best Movie, so I was beyond thrilled the day it came out on VHS.

I will never forget that it was summer and I had to call my mom at work and beg her to rent it for me on her way home.  She agreed on the condition that I mowed the lawn.  

Sure, no problem.

Except that there seemed to be a problem.  The lawnmower wasn't working and it would never get through a neglected lawn that had grown far beyond normal expectations.  I walked down the block to a friends house and asked if I could borrow his.  He said sure but there was another problem: He only had a PUSH MOWER!

It was not powered by anything other than human force.  Christ.  Whatever.  Okay.

I went out on that hot summer day and I spent what must have been at least six hours mowing our lawn.  Just a regular sized lawn, but it took me all day long and it was torture for yours chubby kid truly.  

Finally my mom came home with Scream VHS in hand and I got my just desserts.  I sat down to watch a movie with higher expectations than I ever had before and when it was all over my expectations had been surpassed.  Mind.  Blown.

I watched Scream at least three more times that night.  I was going to wear out a VHS in record time.  Most importantly, I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life: I wanted to write and make movies.  Thank you Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven, even though I sit at 28 without a movie made, the dream hasn't died.  

So, yes, Halloween is a very important time for me and I say all of that because I want to say that the expectations I have on myself for the Scary Edition of my Weeks Wishes are high.  I don't want to blow it.  I want to present these to you as best as I can.  So I turn to the master of horror for advice on what to do.  

Me: I really want this to go well but I'm not sure what to do.  What do you suggest?

Vincent Price: Hello, I'm Vincent Price.

Me: I know that.  Respect.  Seriously though, how do I go about this?

VP: Well, horror friend, what do you usually do?

Me: I apply something in real life having to do with wants and wishes into my Keys to the Game.

VP: Well, what about Wishmaster?

Me: I think that only maybe three of us on the website have ever seen Wishmaster.  I am having a hard time even remember the plot points myself.

VP: What about Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies

Me: What? No.  

VP: Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

Me: Damn it Price, I was expecting better.  I hope your death was painful.

VP: It was and I loved it.  Hello, I'm Vincent Price.


VP: What about television?

Me: Hmmm.  Well, I always thought that Roseanne killed it with Halloween specials, but I'm not sure how to apply that.  

VP: What about Treehouse of Hoorrroorrr?

Me: Yeah, there was the segment of ToH where Homer gets the monkey paw.  One of the greatest Treehouse of Horror episodes of all time.  

VP: That's good.

Me: But I need more than three keys to the game.

VP: That's bad.

Me: But EVERYBODY loves The Simpsons.

VP: That's good.

Me: But if I used the monkeys paw, then bad things will happen too.

VP: That's bad.

Me: But I'd love to use Homer in a segment.

VP: That's good.

Me: But The Simpsons might only have a few seasons left.


Me: Yeah, I don't know if that's good or bad either.  Look, I just love horror movies so much and I want to apply that but how?

VP: What if you gave people ultimatums that if they didn't do what they wanted you to do, then you describe how your favorite horror villains will kill them?

Me: Interesting.  Yeah.  Yeah, I like that.  Thanks Mr. Price!  You really are the master of horror!

VP: I'm Vincent Price.

Me: Okay, I'm just going to go now.


If Charlie Whitehurst plays in this game, then he's going to have a dream on Sunday night that Freddy Krueger, dressed as Jon Ryan, will punt him in the groin for the rest of eternity.

This is probably something that could have actually appeared in the late 80's Nightmare movies, and it's something I wish would happen to Whitehurst if he continues to come in and drag down the offense.

All he really has to do to appease me is not play.  I understand that Josh Portis probably wouldn't have done any better, but at least I never invested any emotion into Josh Portis.  The offense was terrible all-around on Sunday with dropped passes and bad blocking, but mostly it was just because of Whitehurst.

The Seahawks needed six points but could only manage three and they had first and goal at the two yard line.  

I wrote a love note to Tarvaris Jackson last week asking him to play and before the story could even post he had been declared out.  This week he's a game-time decision and Whitehurst is taking first-team snaps, giving him a slight edge to get the start against the Bengals.  That pains me, and I will happily call upon Krueger, or at least Robert Englund, to give Charlie a swift kick in his lower beard over and over again.  

As I said last week, Tarvaris is far from perfect but he was showing improvement and I was starting to trust him to keep the Seahawks competitive in any game.  Despite leading the Seahawks down the field and hooking up with Doug Baldwin over and over against the Giants, I did not have faith in Whitehurst.

Even against Joe Haden and a very good pass defense, Whitehurst put up what some called the "worst game I've ever seen from a quarterback."  At least, from a Seahawks quarterback, in recent memory.  

On the season, Whitehurst is now completing less than 47% of his passes and 3.4 yards per attempt.  The Bengals are also no slouch on defense either.  Even though the best quarterback they've faced is probably either Alex Smith or Ryan Fitzpatrick, they'll luck out once again if they face Charlie Whitehurst.  Tarvaris Jackson is still no Pro Bowler by any means, but I'd sure feel a lot better if he starts to feel a lot better.

Don't make me and the rest of the neighborhood parents trap you in a boiler room and burn you to death.

And my twitter is now telling me that Tarvaris had his best day yet, so my scare tactics are already working.

If A.J. Green and Jerome Simpson steal candy from Brandon Browner and Richard Sherman, then I'm going to send the Bengals to Camp Crystal Lake, and there will be No Sex before Jason de-limbs them with his machete.  And the real Jason Voorhees... none of the decoys.

There's a common horror movie tactic called Ten Little Indians, where much like the original little indians in the rhyme, you knock off a character one by one.

The Seahawks secondary is using a similar tactic.

After the losses of Marcus Trufant and Walter Thurmond, the Hawks are down to Browner, Sherman, Byron Maxwell, and Kennard Cox.  But what they lack in experience, they make up for in....  Sorry, I wrote that sentence before I had an ending.

No, Browners shown potential and with the rest of the crew, all they possibly could have is potential.  The Seahawks are putting prototypical safeties at the corner positions, but they seem to like those crazy schemes they run.  Funny enough, the Hawks have allowed only six touchdown passes in six games.  One of only five teams in the NFL (including the Bengals) to allow 1 passing touchdown or less per game.  

A.J. Green is the most talented player they have on offense, so keeping him in check will be imperative to running a successful defense, and because of our woeful offense, imperative to winning the game.

If the corners fail, then I'm going to have to give Marcus Trufant a Jaxon X-style robotic makeover so he can get back on the field stronger than ever.



If James Carpenter has another bad game, I'm going to make him babysit on Monday and send Michael Myers to his house and not John Carpenters Halloween Michael Myers, but Michael Myers as Cat in the Hat or The Love Guru.  And that's some seriously depressing shit.

When is Carpenter going to stop showing up on my bar notes?  You're an offensive lineman, I shouldn't write your name down at all.  Disappear Carpenter.

Our friends from the Bengals blog have told us about how Cincinnati runs an eight-deep defensive line rotation with results similar to our own Hawks.  The Bengals allow 3.3 yards per carry and have a modest amount of sacks.  But the side of the Bengals d-line that Carpenter will face have 0 sacks on the year.  

Carpenter can't continue to get beaten.  He can't continue to have penalties.  A false start is the dumbest penalty in football (outside of a personal foul maybe) and Carpenter needs to lock it up.  He killed our first drive against the Browns.  

If the rookie first round pick doesn't show some improvement, his career will go down hill faster than John Carpenters did.  I'm never going to laugh at gaffes at our tackle position like I did watching Ghosts of Mars so there's even less room for error for James.

If the Hawks suffer any more injuries, I'm going to take the training staff and knock them out, kidnap them, chain them down in a windowless room with only a handsaw, and make them watch every Saw sequel over and over again.

Throughout the last several seasons, Seattle has suffered a number of serious injuries, most notably along the offensive line.

This year, the o-line has been relatively healthy, but against the Browns we were without almost half of our starting lineup and then more hits in the secondary.  I don't think my heart could take it if some players in particular got hurt and I dare not even say their names for fear of jinx.

We might see the return of most of that offense on Sunday, and I hope they are able to stay on the field.  The only carts I want to see are dessert carts at King's Table.  Do they still have King's Table?  

One advantage the Hawks could see is if the return of Marshawn Lynch, while the starting running back of the Bengals will definitely sit.  If we could finally put our planned starting five on the line for Lynch, we might have a successful day on the ground against a tough run defense.  It most certainly should be better than it was with Justin Forsett.  

Also, if we take any more hits to the cornerbacks, we're going to have to sign Air Bud for depth.

The ending to my article has no twist, no M Night Shyamalan gotcha moment, it's all pretty straightforward.  

I see the Seahawks defense holding Bernard Scott down and the Bengals unable to run the football with much effectiveness.  I see Andy Dalton completing a lot of throws and the Bengals getting a lot of first downs.  Maybe we don't get embarrassed in our pass D, just a whole lot of 7-12 yard passes going for a first.  To win the game, like any game, we're going to have to force Dalton into mistakes.  Force a fumble, pick off a pass and return it for a score.  Something major.

On offense, I see the Seahawks run the ball somewhat effectively with a healthy line and Marshawn Lynch.  It's also not "other-worldly" but it's good.  The passing game will be hit or miss, a few big plays and a few dropped passes.  With Tarvaris Jackson, the Hawks score two touchdowns on offense and get Steven Hauschka in position for a couple of attempts.  Without him, I don't know.  

For the Hawks to win the game, it's going to have to be a turnover and special teams victory. They are a better overall team than us right now, but we have CenturyLink and they don't have Cedric Benson.  It's something.  It's enough of a balancing point that the Hawks may just win this one.  What that will mean for them in the long run, I don't know.  But in the short-term, it'll be a victory over a good team.  If we lose, then we'll just know more about the mistakes we need to correct for 2012, when "good enough" won't be good enough.

Now that I've told you there won't be a Shyamalan.... Shyamalan!



Finally, I didn't want to offend anybody by joking about "gingers" on Wednesday, and I would never make fun of a person for their appearance.  I only joke about the ridiculousness of stereotypes.  So, in return, here's a picture of me from high school.  I'm on the right, and I chose that hair color on my own: