Seattle's week 16 loss to San Francisco was a real kick in the gut. I mean, it's one thing to lose any game of the year, and it's another thing to lose to a team that you dislike, in a game you need to win, and when you let the game slip out of your hands.
The Hawks drove 80 yards for a touchdown on the very first drive and looked like a team that was ready to control this game. We believed in our team and they affirmed those beliefs early on when Tarvaris Jackson hit Doug Baldwin for an early 7-0 lead.
Things continued to look good on defense when Alex Smith was 3-for-7 on his first drive for 14 yards and David Akers missed a 52-yard field goal.
Seattle got into 49er territory on every one of their first half drives and even got down to the 1-yard-line but came away with only 10 points by intermission. To start the second half, the 49ers scored on their first three drives and the Hawks offense stalled. The whole game felt like Seattle was a three-year-old child that you gave a $150 Christmas present to and all he wants to do is play with the box.
Hey you little snot, I got you the best Transformers toy that the store had, you've got a great opportunity here. Stop putting your head in the box.
By the end, with the game on the line, Jackson was incapable of getting anything going and looked just like that kid with the box on his head. There's no vision, no proper decision making, no killer instinct to lead a game-winning drive. I think we may have to send him to a special school, Dear.
SF 19, SEA 17
The Lions won their game and it looked like Seattle had been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. The best Seattle can finish is 8-8 and Detroit and Atlanta can finish no worse than 9-7. So things are over for the Wild Card and Division right? Please... I have ignored the "NFL experts" and used my incredible mathematic talents to decipher who needs to win and who needs to lose in order for the Hawks to still make the playoffs this season.
Here they are:
Seahawks win + Bears win + Falcons loss + Lions run out of fans
As it currently stands, the Hawks are behind in the Wild Card by two games to the Lions. But if Seattle can finish with an 8-8 record and sit next in line for a Wild Card spot, then Detroit would just need to stop having fans. Very recently, Detroit games looked like this:
Detroit suffered some of the worst economic downfall of any American city and metropolitan area during the housing recession and it was reported that you could trade an Isiah Thomas rookie card + a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for a two-story house in the suburbs.
Things are getting better thanks to Eminem commercials, but can the Lions fans afford playoff tickets yet?
To sweeten the deal, Seattle could send over a growing business or two to Flint, Michigan and promise a greater economic situation for the once powerful Metro area. It's time to start wheeling and dealing with the city and not the football team.
Hawks Win + 49ers Loss or Tie + Jim Harbaugh Scandal
Seattle might be five games back of the 49ers in the division now, but how many wins can we get vacated? If Harbaugh has been found to be cheating all season long, then maybe we can close the gap quicker than you think.
How did he get the best college quarterback at Stanford? How did he turn the 49ers around in one season to be a top seed in the NFC? How did he manage to turn Alex Smith into a serviceable quarterback?
Because he is a great football mind? Pssshh... Harbaugh was a mediocre NFL quarterback and clearly lacked the great football mind. Those that can't do, teach? Well, Harbaugh could do a little bit, so he could only therefore teach a little bit so a 12-3 record makes no sense.
What's the scandal?
I think he might be paying some of his players to play for the 49ers. He probably thinks that's legal to do in professional sports, but not if the player is Alex Smith, who is still considered an amateur and therefore can't be paid to play football or he will be ruled ineligible.
If it's determined that Smith is being paid this year, they might have to vacate all 12 wins. That would make Seattle 9-6, the Cardinals 8-7, and 49ers 0-15. Beat the Cardinals, go 10-6, and Seattle is hosting a playoff game again!
Seahawks Win + Broncos Loss + Raiders Loss + Moving Back to AFC West
The AFC West is hurting right now while the NFC West is thriving. For so long, the NFC West was the dregs of the NFL but as it stands now the division has a 12-3 team (though those wins are questionable) plus two of the hotter teams in the second half.
Only St. Louis is weighing the division down, but the Rams are 0-5 within the dominating division. They are a more respectable 2-8 against all other teams.
Meanwhile, all four teams in the AFC West are seriously flawed. Denver got so bad they had to move to a Nebraska-style offense with 3 running backs and 0 quarterbacks. They are basically running "Wing T" which I learned as a freshman in high school.
The Raiders used black magic to resurrect the dead body of Carson Palmer to play QB for them. Now, I have no problem with a hilarious usage of strings and pulleys such as in Weekend at Bernies, but I will not stand for black magic such as Weekend at Bernie's II.
Stick to the classics.
The Chargers typically save their best for last, but the best they had last weekend was a couple of points against what appeared to be a quickly fading Lions team. San Diego cares so little about winning that they hired and kept Norv Turner for this long.
I think the division also has Kansas City but I'm still fact checking on Wikipedia that the Chiefs weren't disbanded and the remaining players sold off to Hollywood as "athlete extras" for football movies.
Enter the Seahawks. (Gross, do not enter the Seahawks.)
Seattle should go back to the AFC West for just this season, take their 8-8 record, and represent the division for the playoffs. The AFC looks weak to me this year (at least in comparison to most years, and because of the AFC West) and the Seahawks have a real shot of representing the AFC in the Super Bowl. We just need to re-align and then be a roving team that always goes to the worst division to represent them in the playoffs.
Hawks Win + Lions Loss + Falcons Loss + Bears Win + Mulligan on Browns and Redskins games
These things we know for sure:
- Losing to Cleveland wasn't the Hawks fault. Injuries halted the offense to the point where nothing could be done and Seattle was left to plug in Charlie Whitehurst to play quarterback. If only they had Tyler Palko, T.J. Yates, Caleb Hanie, Josh McCown, Luke McCown, Cade McNown, or Sad McClown, the Hawks would have won this game. But they were forced to go with Whitehurst.
- That penalty against Leon, obviously. Seattle got f#cked as plain as a Cleveland Dealer.
- Nobody should get beat by Rex Grossman. It's not right. It's a slap in the face to the league. It's one thing to lose to a team that is being quarterbacked by Grossman, but if he actually beats you with a big play then it's clearly a glitch in the Matrix.
- Fix it Matrix robots.
- With the 57th pick of the NFL Draft, the Seattle Seahawks select DeMarco Murray, running back, Oklahoma. Murray may have hurt himself, but maybe that never happens in Seattle. Beast Mode is the greatest Mode ever, so "screw you" is what you might say to me? Well, Marshawn Lynch is an impending free agent and Murray could be a star for the next eight years if healthy and a great transition into Murray in 2012. Plus, never lose that game in Cleveland with a capable running back plus having an explosive backup. This move would cost Seattle Kris Durham and John Moffitt. Okay... fine. There's a slight risk they don't draft Richard Sherman because they moved up three picks in the fifth round. Slight enough to risk it.
- Wanted me to draft Andy Dalton in the first round instead of James Carpenter? I get that. I get a lot arguments for non-Carpenter picks. But I'm not convinced that Dalton would do > Tarvaris. Or that it wouldn't impede Seattle long term. Dalton has pretty quietly had a very successful rookie season, but I can't tell yet if he's going to be Joe Flacco or Matt Ryan and he seems to look more like Flacco. Hey, I'm talking about real football stuff! WTF?!
- The Seahawks trade John Carlson for a 7th-round-pick "or something" on the same day they sign Zach Miller.
- The Seahawks create a "Home Alone" style booby trap infestation in the locker room of the Steelers prior to their game. Those guys are going to get so much tar on them, it will be hilarious and advantageous to our favorite team in getting a win in Pittsburgh.
- As I'm writing this, Drew Brees broke the record for passing yards in a season. Let's set the dial to off-season 2006 and offer that guy all of Paul Allen's Microsoft stock.
- Or the Home Alone idea, I don't know, they're equally effective in my mind.