August 11: Week 1, at the San Diego Chargers
On a Thursday night, nationally televised game that is sure to get more viewers than any baseball game this entire year, including the World Series, because the NFL is the most insanely popular sport in the U.S. by far, the Hawks will take on the Chargers. San Diego's prodigal son, Charlie Whitehurst, will return to the land that made him the man he is today. Tensions will be high as 'the one that got away' will look to destroy his old team and prove to the world that he was the one that should have been backing up Philip Rivers, not that silly Billy Volek. At the end of the game, after winning, Whitehurst and Jon Ryan will come out to midfield and ceremoniously shave their heads to represent the end of the lockout and a welcome back to football.
August 20th: Week 2, vs the Minnesota Vikings
Brett Favre will roll into town The Vikings will be an interesting squad to host because like the Seahawks, their QB position is up in the air. Darrell Bevell will probably flip off his old team every time we get a first down and most likely run up the score, which will lead to Leslie Frazier calling him a "jagoff" in the postgame presser. It should be an entertaining home opener as the Minnesota Vikings will be sporting their throwback unis with actual Viking horns affixed to their helmets.
August 27th: Week 3 at the Denver Broncos
This game will be most enjoyable as John Elway's rejuvenated Broncos take the field against a 2-0 in-the-preseason Seahawks. The Broncos will sport their old school brown and yellow uniforms and the Seahawks will resurrect their neon green ones in a game that will go down as the least aesthetically pleasing sporting event of all time. It will be a barn-burner, literally- as students from the University of Colorado engineering department burn down a barn they built from driftwood out in the parking lot, but the Seahawks will win 2-0 on a safety where Dexter Davis gets held in the endzone.
September 1st: Week 4 vs the Oakland Raiders
Newly minted Seahawks Nnamdi Asomugha and Robert Gallery will face off against their old team while playing for their old-but-now-new coach Tom Cable, in a classic rematch of old-AFC West rivals. To pay homage to this old rivalry, the game's pregame show will feature a demolition derby-style re-enactment of the classic Mel Gibson film Mad Max. After destroying Qwest Field or whatever it's going to be called's playing surface to resemble the Oakland Coliseum's field, thus leveling the playing field for the competition, the game will begin in earnest. After the Seahawks have won and Tom Cable has physically fought an Oakland Assistant Coach or two, the preseason will have ended and the regular season will be underway! Hooray for us!
Disclaimer: mostly just the dates and match-ups are correct.