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Report: Seattle Seahawks Sign Jeff Reed; Add Experience, Huge Nipples to Kicking Game

'Sup Brometheus?
'Sup Brometheus?
Karl Walter

According to numerous reports, veteran place-kicker, and poor-man's Guy Fieri, Jeff Reed has joined the Seattle Seahawks. Well, shit.

I imagine he'll be expected to beat Brandon Coutu and Wes Bynum for the starting spot, which means the Seahawks will probably have times this season where the outcome rests squarely on the waxed shoulders of a guy who was once arrested for narrowly defeating a paper-towel dispenser in a convenience store fight. I know, I know, I hear a lot of you saying it doesn't matter about that stuff, he's a good kicker. So, let's go ahead and examine that.

The first number you look at when it comes to Reed, or any other kicker, is their field goal percentage. Reed's career FG% is 82.2, which is very nice, but I would argue that number is misleading. When it comes to kicks of 39 yards or less, Reed is a dependable 91.9%. From 40 yards are more, however, Jeff Reed's accuracy falls off as quickly as his judgment when he's drinking. Beyond 40, Reed is a career 63.2% kicker. That's a pedestrian number, and after nine seasons, it can't be written off as a small sample size, either.

Last year, the Pittsburgh Steelers cut Reed mid-season after he missed this chippie against the Patriots, and followed it up with this lame-ass interview. At that point, he was also 0-4 from beyond 40 yards and that doesn't cut it on a good team, even if you acted like a boy-scout, instead of like this (picture edited). When you act like this, you give yourself less wiggle-room. You hear that, Jeff? Stop acting like this. Seahawks fans don't want this in Ballard or Fremont. Or anywhere. Acting like this is how you end up with 66,600 results for a Google search of "Jeff Reed douche".

After that game against New England, Reed bitched about the poor quality of the Steelers' field, the ragging he gets from the Steelers fans, the unfairness of the media, and how the Pittsburgh brass won't listen to him. Pittsburgh released him shortly thereafter, and it's not hard to imagine Reed trying to push security off of him and yelling "Do you know who I am?" as they excorted him out. San Francisco signed him later in the year, and he actually kicked pretty well for them, before being released after the season.

Now he's been brought into Pete Carroll's up-beat, ultra-competitive training camp, and it will be interesting to see how he handles himself.

Jeff Reed: Hey dude, bitchin' hair.

Jon Ryan: Thanks.

Reed: Hey, you see that chick over there? I nailed her.

Ryan: Mhmm.

Reed: Yeah, she was a freak, yanawmsayin? ~Holds knuckles out for fist bump~

Ryan: Look, I'm trying to punt here.

Reed: You know what rhymes with "punt", right brah?


Reed: Sup Coach? Sweet shades.

Pete Carroll: Thanks.

Reed: So, I don't know if you can tell, you probably can, but I been hittin' the weights pretty hard.

Carroll: ~Shouts directions to his defensive backs~

Reed: Yup, been pumpin' some pretty serious iron.

Carroll: Who are you?

Reed: I'm your kicker, brah. I kinda look like a running back though, huh?

Carroll: Wait, you're Jeff Reed? Dadgum!

Reed: ~Flexes~


Reed: Sup, Bro Namath.

John Schneider: Hey Jeff, how you liking your new digs?

Reed: They're aight. I was thinkin' though.

Schneider: Mmmm

Reed: So, these jerseys, right? You can't really see the logo on them. Kinda shitty.

Schneider: Excuse me?

Reed: Yeah, like, what if we got Ed Hardy to do like a pimpin' logo. With a dragon wrapping around the back, and like a seahawk, is that a real thing? It is? Yeah, a Seahawk like carrying this heart with a dagger through it. Then we could have a banner on the chest that says "Beauty Over Death" or something real deep. You know, something rad-looking, but that still makes you think.

Schneider: No.

Reed: Affliction?

Schneider: Go kick, please.


Reed: Sup, brosef?

Fan at Training Camp: Uh, hey.

Reed: You like what you see out there?

Fan: Yeah!

Reed: Can't blame ya. I know most kickers don't practice with their shirt off, but most kickers don't look like this, ya know?

Fan: I wasn't referring to--

Reed: Yeah, gotta let the ol' lats breathe. ~Stretches~

Fan: Um...

Reed: Hey, George Brostanza...

Fan: Is that, is that me?

Reed: See that chick over there?

Fan:That one?

Reed: Yup. Think she'd do me? She's kinda big, but allll the ladies love them some Jeff Reed.

Fan: That's Robert Gallery.



Reed: You, uh, want an autograph or something?

Fan: No thanks.


I'm going to cheer for Jeff Reed to succeed as a Seattle Seahawk, but it will only be because his performance greatly influences the outcome of the performances of everyone else on the team. That said, Reed is destined to become one of my three least favorite 'Hawks of all time, joining Jerramy Stevens, and Jerramy Stevens.



You can follow Jacson on Twitter @JacsonBevens, and Field Gulls @FieldGulls