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The Seattle Seahawkus: Week 1 - The Forty Niners

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San Francisco might have the single most boring mascot in the NFL.

Let me think...

Yeah, that's correct. The Browns are more exciting.

You were named after a bunch of old prospectors San Fran; you were named after a flock of tramps that died carrying rucksacks full of dreams and poverty (sounds about right, actually). Worse, at the heart of it, you were just named after a date. Pity these guys.

But, as my man Billy says, "what's in a name"? There are plenty of reasons to hate the 49ers besides their wack-ass moniker. Anybody here have a friend who is a San Fran fan? I can almost guarantee yes, because when I was a kid you were only a fan of one of two teams: The Cowboys, or The Niners. I like the Seahawks, but then I've always been a rebellious shit. As you know, if one ever gets in an argument with a Niner fan, they inevitably fall back on the oh-so-irrefutable "We have 5 championships! How many do you have?", or "Joe Montana can never be ousted as the greatest QB of all time!", or "Yeah? Well fuck you."

On top of this, every year, we have to watch professional sports media Tarzan from the testicles of the Niners, and assure us that "...this is the year they take the West!"

Balderdash and hogwash. Not last year, not the year before that, not next year, and sure as shit not this one. Strap yourselves in Niners, because our Hawkus have killed more cats than curiosity, and we are about to cripple Gore (more than he already is).

You know the rules: put the title of your Hawku in the Subject line, write your Hawku, guffaw, and Rec the green out of other people's.

Patrick Willis Would Rather Be a Seahawk

Avant-garde defense

Another name for shitty.

Leave smarts to the 'Hawks.

Candlestick Park Seems Appropriate

Hawks are on the move

The flock flies to fight San Fran

'Bout to rain bird shit.