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Robert Griffin III: RGIII Seeks NFL for S&M (Starts & Money)

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Baylor QB Robert Griffin III has officially been let it known that he is "on the market" for NFL teams and will be in the draft in 2012. He's an extremely exciting young football bachelor, having given himself a remarkable "Pretty Woman" makeover over the 2011 college season and turning himself into quite the keeper.

The next time you open the The Stranger you might run across this ad:

"BQB seeking NFL team for long-term relationship. Athletic, hard-working, good with my hands, smart, and always accurate on looking for a good connection. I tend to move fast. Hard to contain but ready for a commitment. Looking for team that knows where they are heading. Likes Pauly Shore movies."

Griffin possesses a lot of qualities that will excite some teams that are looking to solidify the most important position in football and there will be several suitors vying for his affections but only one will be the winner: the team that's willing to make the biggest sacrifice and hand him the last rose.

Will our cozy little corner of the country be the proper "bearskin rug" for RG3 to lay down on? The question I ask today is not what the Seahawks are willing to sacrifice, but what competition will they have? Which teams are going to be the most willing to woo him to their city?

It's a catfight out there and these are the players:

Indianapolis Colts

"Long-term marriage on the rocks. Been flirting with young man for a few months now and may be ready to move on. I love my husband, but he hasn't slept with me in over a year." - Conflicted Colt

WHY: Well, the Colts have been linked to getting a QBOTF for awhile now, ever since the Peyton Manning injury was deemed to be so serious.

WHY NOT: That QB is not going to be Robert Griffin III, of course it is going to be Andrew Luck. Either the Colts do the Luck/Manning thing, the Luck thing, or the Manning + Picks thing, but they don't do the Third thing and by that I mean the Robert Griffin III thing which is actually the "fourth thing" but I wanted to confuse the hell out of you.

CHANCES: 0%. These two just aren't a match in any way. In another world, maybe, but Indy's got it's eyes on a bigger prize.


St. Louis Rams

"Excitement of new relationship has worn off. Before, everything was so hot and heavy and I loved him more than I had loved any man in a long time, but lately he's been missing for hours at a time when I really need him. Must admit, I've been abusive towards him, but I just don't know what to do." - "Sorry Sammy" in St. Louis

WHY: Part of me does wonder if the Rams need a whole makeover. I know you can't keep rebuilding every two years, but maybe Sam Bradford is damaged goods. It would be a bold move, but the Rams could still take Griffin and trade Bradford for some picks. There's more than a couple of teams that I'm sure would love to have him and could do a better job of protecting him.

WHY NOT: It would be questionable if the Rams would even trade Bradford for the opportunity to draft Luck. They won't do it for Griffin, even though that would be scandalous! More likely, they will trade down.

CHANCES: 0%. It would be too slutty of the Rams to jump from one young stud to another.


Cleveland Browns

"My first relationship was very tough. I thought he was the man for me, but ended up being a total loser. I've been looking for love ever since but haven't even come close. Just so many disappointments, maybe I'm just the type to never get married. Sigh." - Brown and Out in Cleveland

WHY: The Browns have put a lot more focus on improving their defense than doing anything with their offense. I'm a very big fan of Joe Haden, Jabaal Sheard, and Phil Taylor, but not a fan of anyone on their offense except for Joe Thomas. The good news is that having an All-Pro LT like Thomas means that you can draft a young QB and protect him without much worry. Isn't it about time that they do?

WHY NOT: Well, depending on how much you believe Mike Holmgren is in control, he has never been a part of a team that drafted a QB in the first round. The Packers traded a 1st round pick for Brett Favre in the same year that Holmgren arrived, and then Seattle spent most of their time with Matt Hasselbeck. It would be a change in philosophy on how to acquire a QB, but it wouldn't change the notion that Holmgren knows you need a QB. Still, Holmgren hasn't committed to Colt McCoy for 2012 but he's also acting all coy about it like "Yeah, I love him and I also like Seneca." Stop acting like you honestly believe you'll win a Super Bowl with any quarterback on your roster. You know you're dating way below your standards and nobody honestly believes that will continue.

CHANCES: 40%? This is hard to gauge. The first two of 0% were easy, but how mad are you going to be at me if my % guesses add up to over 100? Consider it a barometer. The stars are aligned for Cleveland to draft a QB this season because of all of these reasons:

- Cleveland ranked 30th in the NFL in scoring offense and 29th in total offense, which wasted their passing defense that held opponents to 6.6 adjusted yards per pass attempt.

- Colt McCoy had 5.4 adjusted yards per pass attempt.

- The Browns own Atlanta's pick, which is 22nd overall, meaning that they can draft a QB and still draft another first-round caliber prospect.

- Head coach Pat Shurmer's first job in the NFL was with the Eagles... in 1999... and he was the QB coach. That was the same year that they drafted Donovan McNabb. He was the Offensive Coordinator for the Rams in 2009-2010 when they drafted Sam Bradford. I can't see why Shurmer wouldn't be all giddy to get a QB at the top of the draft and that includes a potential trade for Andrew Luck.

Even if the Browns are my estimated 40% chance to get RG3, they should be a 95-100% chance to get a QBOTF. If Cleveland sits back and watches Luck go first and a team trade up to two to get Griffin, then they are more Cleveland than I thought and they deserve to die alone.


Washington Redskins

"Been dating losers for the past year. Honestly, just felt like slumming it to piss off my parents. Everyone says that you and I would be really good together though. A real power couple. Besides, I was dating black guys way before it was cool. I'm ready to lock down a real winner, these other guys are just gross man." - Ready Redskin

WHY: I've been saying all year that the Rex Grossman-John Beck "QB battle" in Washington was one of the least compelling storylines in sports history, somewhere between an April game featuring the Nationals and Pirates and the Golden State Warriors signing Dan Dickau to a 10-day contract. Mike Shanahan was just like "QB? LOL!" all off-season and then what happened? They're QB's were very LOL. Both QBs were over 30 and between them they had about 2 full seasons as a starter, with only four career starts on Beck's side. They need a QB in the worst way and reek of desperation.

WHY NOT: Fool me once Mike Shanahan, shame on you. Fool me twice, you're still a dick and you should stop playing these silly games with your football teams.

CHANCES: 35%. I think that the Redskins will find a new QB, but will it be Griffin? I've seen a lot of people connect the two, but not sure how many of those people know any more about the Skins, Shanahan, and Griffin than I do. Shanahan will be coaching in the Senior Bowl, which will give him long looks at Kellen Moore, Nick Foles, Brandon Weeden and others and maybe he falls in love with one of those guys, gets a veteran QB, and drafts a QB in the middle rounds. His son Kyle became the QB coach in Houston in 2007, the same year that they acquired Matt Schaub, and he did a good job of helping Schaub develop into a very good NFL QB.

I don't know if these two are a match made in heaven, like some people do, but the Skins are lonely and need to stop slumming it.


Jacksonville Jaguars

"Current bf is cute and all, but just doesn't know what he's doing in the place that it counts. Would love to find a man with more skills" - Jaded in Jacksonville

WHY: Because Blaine Gabbert struggled and Robert Griffin III looks a lot better as a prospect.

WHY NOT: Because they just spent a high pick on Gabbert and the Jags still have the worst WR corps in the league.

CHANCES: 0% but it's fun to think about. Even with a new head coach in Mike Mularkey, it would be surprising to see the Jags make a change already. Still, if they moved to L.A. for stardom, Griffin would be the perfect man to carry on her arm.


Miami Dolphins

"Kinda starting to dig the guy I just dated, but as my confidence in myself began to rise, I started thinking about looking to upgrade. I was so down in the dumps for most of last year, but I really think that 2012 will be my time to shine! I just don't know if the guy I'm with right now is the one and I'm still on the dating scene." - Wants More in Miami

WHY: With Tony Sparano gone, the Dolphins are going to be heading in a new direction, which always makes "new QB" a possibility. Despite how well Matt Moore closed out the season (the Dolphins went 6-6 in his starts and he completed over 60% of his passes for 16 TD against 9 INT) the new head coach probably won't have any personal feelings towards Matt one way or the other. It would be surprising (but not impossible) if Moore turned into a very good NFL QB, while Griffin would be the new face of the franchise to team with Reggie Bush.

WHY NOT: All those reasons stated above for Moore, who is only 27 years old. In the middle of the year, the Dolphins seemed like a lock for a team that needed to find it's QBOTF, but they went 6-3 down the stretch with Moore playing well and they could do well to upgrade other positions of need like offensive line and wide receiver.

CHANCES: 10%. If Griffin fell to the Dolphins at 8 for some reason, then fine, but there's not enough of a reason to think that they will trade up or that he will fall that far. The Dolphins can flirt with other guys, but in their heart they know they will be with Moore for at least a little while longer.


Buffalo Bills

"I've made a huge mistake. I got married too soon and found out that my husband was not the man I thought he was. I am lost and don't know what to do. I can't leave him already, I know I have to make this work, but why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?" - Bummed in Buffalo

WHY: Because Griffin would be a major upgrade over Ryan Fitzpatrick and because Buffalo seems to be getting older as they rebuild, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. They should have never given Fitzpatrick, who turns 30 this year, a contract when it looked so obvious that the Bills and Fitz were at their peak to start the season. Now they have no choice but to continue down this path for at least one more year.

WHY NOT: They are committed to Fitzpatrick.

CHANCES: 1%. It would be a bold move to make a play for Griffin but it's just not going to happen unless there's an absolute shocker. The Bills don't seem like the cheating type.


Seattle Seahawks

"I've built my house up and now the only thing missing is a real man in my life. I knew that I got into my current relationship only because I was lonely and on the rebound and just needed a guy that could bridge the gap. He's been nice to me, but I'm not in love with him and I know I never will be. I am looking for the love of my life and I know that when I find him, I'll be complete!" - Studless in Seattle

WHY: Griffin seems like a player that would fit into the system and be ready to take the Hawks to new heights in 2013. Yes, 2013. He still needs to learn how to run an NFL offense, but the physical tools are off the chart. He's potentially the most athletic QB to come into the draft since Michael Vick, which would make him no worse than the 2nd most athletic QB to ever come into the draft and be considered a top prospect that can also throw the ball. It would be best if he could sit for one year behind T-Jack while fans patiently wait.

WHY NOT: Seattle trading up is something that a lot of fans are wary of, "mortgaging the farm" on one player while sacrificing filling other needs and draft picks. I'm not sure how much it would cost for Seattle to move up from 11-12 to 2 (or 1) but I'm sure it would be very costly either way, considering that the Rams are at 2. I would have no apprehensions about the ability of Griffin and whether he'd be worth moving up, but how much should Seattle be willing to sacrifice? How many more opportunities will they have to draft in the top 12?

CHANCES: 5%. I think that Carroll would probably love to have him, and why not? But the cost is going to be too high compared to the Redskins and Browns picking in front of them and offering more, while the Rams would have to concede the pick to a division rival if they sent it to the Hawks. A lot can change between now and April, but if his stock is that high, it seems improbable that he winds up in Seattle.


Kansas City Chiefs

"I thought things were going great in my marriage but everything fell apart last year and I'm worried that the whole house is going to collapse this year. I cared for my husband, but I fear we are near the end and that the rest of our family is leaving the nest. I need a great man that can help make my life the best it could possibly be, just as it's about to potentially fall apart." - A Pity in Kansas City

WHY: Matt Cassel is turning 30, coming off injury, and has been absolutely average in Kansas City. Over nine starts last year he was worse than Tarvaris Jackson in more than a few ways. The Chiefs could be losing Dwayne Bowe, Jamaal Charles may never regain his former skills, and Dexter McCluster has underwhelmed. The Chiefs need a star on offense or they could be very, very boring and putting a lot of pressure on their defense. RG3 would be a great fit for a team that finished 31st in scoring offense.

WHY NOT: They're still invested in Cassel and there's still a chance that Bowe re-signs and Charles returns to form while they could draft a skill player or lineman at 11/12. Like the Hawks, this is where trading up gets very expensive. The Falcons showed last year that it's not impossible, but they also showed how costly it is. During his first season in Cleveland in 2005, Romeo Crennel did not push to draft Aaron Rodgers and he slipped on by.

CHANCES: 3%. Not even close to hearing rumors like this but the Chiefs need to spark up their love life finally. It's been six years since sparks flew with Trent Green.


New York Jets

"Thought my man was allllll that but he turned out to be very flat! I'm living a lie thinking that this is the man for me! I know I'll never accomplish my goals with this guy and even though all my friends tell me we look so great together, I know the truth! He's all looks and no personality and I suffer for it. This year might be the last straw!" - Needy in New York

WHY: Because Mark Sanchez might never complete 60% of his passes or gain more than 7 yards per pass attempt. The Jets weren't without weapons, even if Santonio Holmes and Plaxico Burress might have the same butterfinger hands, but Sanchez isn't accurate either. I shudder to think how bad his numbers would have been without a career year from Dustin Keller. New OC Tony Sparano + Wildcat + Robert Griffin III.

WHY NOT: They won't concede that Sanchez is done and the cost to move up is too high.

CHANCES: The 1% shocker. I would be far less surprised if they got a guy like Matt Flynn. The Twitter told me that they will absolutely not be interested in Peyton Manning.



A nice, round number of 10 teams that I think will either be somewhat involved in starting a relationship with Robert Griffin III, even if it's by proxy. Maybe the Rams will setup RG3 and the Browns on a date that turns into a long-lasting love. 1 in 5 relationships start on

I've left a 5% possibility for a shocking team to swoop on the Baylor QB that's lookin' for love in all the Pro places.

Where will he wind up? You'll have to stay tuned for the long drawn out season between now and the April 26th season finale of the Baylorer.

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