clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Hawk the Vote

Joe Nicholson-US PRESSWIRE

It's been a hell of a campaign in 2012. Let's break down how it all played out.

March 18, 2012 - Matt Flynn announces his bid for candidacy of starting quarterback.

Holding positions in Wisconsin and Louisiana by way of Texas, representative Flynn had a reputation of a guy that could get it done if just given the chance. Under-valued and under-appreciated during his campaign win in Baton Rouge, Flynn flew under the radar when he took office in Green Bay under senator Rodgers.

However, when given a chance to make a difference, he typically came through and his four years in office were either very quiet or very loud. This is what gave him the opportunity to run for office in Seattle.


- Winner

- Flynner

- Chicken Dynner


- Inexperienced

- Doesn't have much experience

- Seriously, have you seen the resume on this guy? He has very little experience

Running unopposed, Flynn seemed like a shoe-in to walk into the job without a fight. He only had to make it one more day...

April 27, 2012 - Russell Wilson announces his bid for candidacy to be the starting quarterback

People often speculated up until the final hours that perhaps another candidate would throw his hat into the ring. There was Brandon "John McCain" Weeden, but there was concern that he might not live through his term. There was also Brock "Abraham" Osweiler, but a sex, drugs, and drinking scandal* ruined his bid. Others thought that maybe Lauren Tannehill's husband would run, but nobody could ever confirm he ever existed because "Hey, you guy's talkin' about Lauren Tannehill?"


But in the end it was Russell "Madison" Wilson, The upstart from Wisconsin by way of North Carolina was a surprise late entry into the race. (Double-meaning alert: James Madison was the shortest president at 5'4". Wilson played football in Madison, Wisconsin and is also 5'4".)

Many people speculated that Wilson would "Ross Perot" this race and fall into third behind Flynn and "I'm not going to make a racial joke here." At best, he would find a role as Vice Quarterback and keep his due diligence until he finally orchestrated an assassination attempt on Flynn. However, would that be necessary?


- Hard-worker

- Educated

- Multi-tasker


- Young

- Flip-flopper (Pick a school and a sport, buddy)

- Short-heighted

The race was on...

May 13, 2012 - It's officially official

Wilson announced his bid only a couple of weeks earlier, but the party officially backed him as a candidate in the middle of May. "He's shown us enough," Carroll Rove said Sunday. "We need to see where he fits in."

Few thought that the incumbent "I'm not going to make a racial joke here" had any chance of regaining his chair in 2012, and that it was going to come down to Wilson or Flynn. When asked if he was "too young" to be the starter, Wilson remarked:

"I'm a champion of right. I swoop out of the shadows, I own the night. Somewhere some opponent schemes, but his number's up. When there's trouble... you call RW."

The reporter quipped back, "Is that... are those the lyrics to the theme song for Darkwing Duck, slightly changed?"

"There will be no further questions." And like that, he was gone.

July 27, 2012 - The campaign trail gets into full gear

Late July and early August are when campaign trails - excuse me, training camps - kick into gear. Both candidates had supporters, but Wilson trailed significantly in polling with fans concerned that he was under-qualified. However, Wilson's athletic supporters said that Flynn didn't have that much additional experience and lacked talent.

This is when the mud-slinging really begins...

August 1, 2012 -

Flynn's aides reportedly leak news to the press that First Lady Wilson once "swallowed the entire 12th Man flag in a single bite." This would back-fire though as Gallup polls showed the fans still knew she was "hella hot" and "better than I'll ever do."

Wilson fired back, spreading rumors that Flynn's farts "smell really bad." People quickly realized that Wilson was not very good at this strategy, and so he spent the rest of the summer focusing on the issues.

The Debates

Tennessee -

There's no question that Wilson came into the debates as the underdog. He went from being Ross Perot to The Comeback Kid in a matter of 30 minutes. Flynn didn't do anything to hurt himself in the race, he just did less than his opponent.

Defining moment: Moderator Mike Munchak asks Russell Wilson late in the debate if he will "please stop, this is embarrassing" to which Russell replied:

"Lol, touchdown!"

Denver -

All of a sudden, the debate in Denver would become a real step towards finding out whether or not the hot shot from Wisconsin was a real contender. More and more you would see Flynn-supporters start to become "undecided" and if Wilson could nail the issues again, we'd "Have ourselves a stew goin'," said Carroll Rove.

Grab that bone, Carroll. After another complete victory, we indeed have ourselves a stew going.

Defining moment: Beyond what Wilson does, Flynn got little help from his aides. Said Flynn after the debates, "Terrell Owens really dropped the ball on this one." Staff reporter Elizabeth Mathews asks, "How so? Where do you think he could have helped you or hurt you? Did he leak out a sex scandal? Perhaps some inappropriate photos? What could he have done differently?"

Replied Flynn:

"No, he literally dropped the ball. Didn't you see it?"

Kansas City

People start to view the debate in Kansas City as the debate that will decide the entire race. Something that was entirely unexpected months or even weeks earlier, was now as real as "Aaah! Real Monsters!" which was definitely a real show once.

Flynn had been losing the race for weeks. And now there was possibly only once chance left to get the lead back again, or forever be known as "a real Dukakis." Well, if it walks like a Dukakis and talks like a Dukakis, it must be your backup quarterback.

The once-strong leader of the race dropped out of the Kansas City debate while Wilson marched to easy victory unopposed. He would often debate against himself:

"Mr. Wilson, what's your opinion on injured reserve reform?"

"Read my lips: No. New. Sackses. I mean sacks. I will avoid getting sacked, is what I meant to say."

"Rebuttle, Mr. Wilson?"

"My opponent is a handsome little liar. He got sacked twice in this debate. It's a fact."

"I said no new sackses. I didn't say anything about past sackses."

"You can't live up to that promise and everybody knows it. But you're sexy as hell."


Defining moment: Flynn drops out of the debate for "health reasons" and easily loses the race after another performance where the voters were enchanted by Mr. Wilson's strong jaw-line and ability to run a strong campaign. He really passed the buck on this one. Four scores and seven yards ago.

It would only be days after the third debate that Wilson was named as the winner of the 2012 race. Flynn was named vice quarterback, but Wilson keeps a close eye on him just in case like in that movie Murder at 1600 with Wesley Snipes which I used to think was another plane movie like Passenger 57 because I thought "1600" might have to do with how high they were in the air. Look I was only 14. I guess that's an age where you should be smarter than that, but what do you want from me? It's a Wesley Snipes movie about a murder in the white house. What was I saying again? Oh yeah, the fake election thing.

So Wilson hires Wesley Snipes or something.


Starting Quarterback of the United Hawks of Seamerica, Russell Wilson, had this to say:

"Wow. This is so neat. Thanks, dudes. We're going to go down to Arizona, St. Louis, and San Francisco, and we're gonna win!" The crowd goes wild because they actually believe him. :(

But this was an historic race for this country. Few, myself included, believed that it could be pulled off. That a candidate with so little experience, with obvious limitations, from a 3rd round party, could ever ascend to the top so quickly.

Wilson won 52 of 53 electoral votes, while Deon Butler, "I'm not going to make a racial joke here" and Owens seceded from the union.

To quote James Madison:

"Something something... uhhh... America!"

Well said.

Coming up in 2013: Flynn goes back to Kansas City and runs for office there. Quickly declares war on Seattle. Loses.

Plus a scandal with Donica Lisowski.

Vote for Kenneth on Twitter

(I know there's a lot of different emotions today, but think before you comment! This article is not related to that.)