When is a bet not a bet? When I'm offering up a market on something that doesn't yet have a heartbeat. I present to you the nanobe of gambling opportunities. Exciting stuff, eh?! Quite probably, as when this thing grows legs, we're well on the way to creating a monster that will run amok in those NFL cities whose team dares to unsettle the natives with an 0-4 start that has the abyss rushing ever closer.
I speak of the first NFL coach to be fired during the 2012 NFL season. May I be so bold as to predict that it will happen during the course of the season? You bet your bottom dollar...all puns intended. Yes, the flurry of firings (maybe I should patent that collective noun) will happen at season's end, but somebody will receive their pink slip before Week 17 and, whilst it isn't perhaps the most heart warming of strolls one could take with the soul, it's fair to speculate on such things as this inevitable part of sport and its outcomes are able to be wagered upon.
Should anybody find a definitive list of odds, I will have to bow to your superior knowledge (or search engine) because I can find no such thing so, in lieu of that, I've decided to devise, from 1-32, my catalogue of coaches who, based upon previous demonstrations of ineptitude, find themselves perilously close to, or otherwise, handing back the keys to the kingdom.
For your merriment (your correspondent is banking on this) and discussion (an added bonus), I submit to you my Sour Rankings:
1. NORV TURNER Norv's seat is hotter than July and he's not blind to that. That's the good news. The bad is that Robert Meacham ain't no Vincent Jackson.
2. PAT SHURMUR Pass defense isn't a problem. Passing offense projects to be the opposite and if Trent Richardson goes down, Shurmur's nerves will be a jinglin' and a janglin'.
3. LESLIE FRAZIER Percy Harvin's recent behaviour can't be inspiring confidence, Adrian Peterson has the PUP list hot on his heels...maybe Pat Shurmur has it cosy after all.
4. KEN WHISENHUNT A fantasy stable of starting receivers and pick your poison at quarterback.
5. ANDY REID You could hear a pin drop in Philly this offseason compared to last and they made the shrewdest of all moves when snaring DeMeco Ryans. Reid needs the solace of silence to translate into improved team chemistry and a deep playoff run.
6. JASON GARRETT We all know that Garrett is only the coach in name so what's Jerry Jones to do? He can't fire himself.
7. CHAN GAILEY Gailey's drinking in the last chance saloon and William Cody is waiting for him to fail.
8. MIKE SHANAHAN Exciting times in Washington. RG3 has the city in the palm of his hand. As Tim Roth will tell you, Garcon means Boy...the ‘Skins need Garcon to mean BOY!
9. PETE CARROLL Exciting times in Washington State. The defense has the city in the palm of its hand. That hand becomes a fist when Marshawn Lynch and Robert Turbin are let loose, but Carroll's position could become fragile with a brutal schedule to navigate.
10. LOVIE SMITH My dark horse bet for the Super Bowl so no chance that Smith walks. Honestly! Barring catastrophic injuries, this team scores a bunch of points.
11. MIKE MULARKEY And there the Jaguars were congratulating themselves on drafting Justin Blackmon. MJD is at least taking a pragmatic approach to his contract, but it almost feels already as though he takes the team as far asthey dare to go. Mularkey will need to unleash all of his offensive genius.
12. REX RYAN News just in...the Jets sign Tim Tebow to back up Mark Sanchez. What's that? It happened when? Dunno how I missed that one. Whenever Rex does go, we know he won't go quietly. Letterman will get first crack at him.
13. MIKE SMITH Mr. Smith, any more stoopid go-for-it-on-4th-down calls should see you fired the very next day. Yes, sometimes the fans DO know better.
14. MARVIN LEWIS Lewis has survived many a mediocre campaign and Cincy could be hot. If only they didn't have to play the Steelers and Ravens.
15. ROMEO CRENNEL KC is primed to shock this year and possess Championship Game talent. Crennel can only hope he isn't asked, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art the Ws?"
16. MIKE MUNCHAK A horrible schedule to begin the season, which makes it likely that Matt Hasselbeck gets the nod at QB. Kenny Britt needs to play from day one because only the Texans separate them from a home playoff game.
17. RON RIVERA Beware a sophomore slump from Cam Newton. It really shouldn't happen, but how can he top last year? By leading his team to the playoffs...the Saints being in disarray would help.
18. JOHN FOX The antithesis of last year's QB now leads the team. Has anybody else noticed that John Elway was the hybrid of Tebow and Peyton Manning? Or is it just me?
19. JIM SCHWARTZ Can everyone just stop getting arrested???
20. GARY KUBIAK Or ‘new contract Kubiak', as is appropriate. His job seems safe, but the Texans have chanced their arm on letting Mario Williams and DeMeco Ryans walk. However, as long as Wade Phillips is there, you have to believe they're defensively sound.
21. DENNIS ALLEN I've kinda missed the Raiders being good. That'll make me nice and popular(!). It's too easy to mock them of late...I want to really dislike them. I like what Dennis Allen is about, but the AFC West is tricky to navigate this year.
22. CHUCK PAGANO From Chuck to Luck, the Colts may suck and come unstuck. Who said I can't write like a child? What other QB can claim to have a surname that equates to his helmet logo? That's a smart piece of drafting and can't fail to work; Colts to win Super Bowl L.
23. JOE PHILBIN I'm a Matt Moore fan. This team has talent, just not at wide receiver. Chad 85 needs to get his head in that playbook...nope, no guarantees there. Aw, just let him do what he likes.
24. GREG SCHIANO Tough guy Greg is getting rave reviews and maybe old school is what Tampa needs. The roster oozes talent and I'm not shocked if they're still playing in January.
25. MIKE TOMLIN Oh, those loveable Steelers. Yes, I too watch re-runs of Demaryius Thomas's winning TD on wildcard weekend.
26. JOHN HARBAUGH Anyone for Harbaugh Bowl in New Orleans?
27. JIM HARBAUGH Er, see above?
28. MIKE McCARTHY That giant loss to the Giants won't have been forgotten in a hurry. The blueprint's available.
29. JEFF FISHER Fisher's in this for the long haul. Fortunate that as he'll be doing plenty of long haul once the Rams move to London.
30. TOM COUGHLIN Old school does work after all.
31. BILL BELICHICK Belichick leaves town when Belichick says it's time to leave town. It is what it is.
32. (SAINTS) ???????????? Who they gonna fire? The guy in the empty chair?
In addition to writing for his own blog, Rob's NFL Yard, Rob contributes here at Field Gulls to give all you degenerate gamblers a better look at the ever-changing NFL odds, with a focus on the Seahawks but attention to the NFL as a whole.