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Russell Wilson: I, For One, Welcome Our New QB Overlord

Bush is actually running <em>away</em> from Wilson, into the stands to find his mommy. haha.  jokes.
Bush is actually running away from Wilson, into the stands to find his mommy. haha. jokes.

Well, that's it. The NFL has been won and the victor is Russell Wilson. It's pretty clear by now that there can only be one true quarterback and thy name is Wilson. Every other quarterback shall now be named "1/10thback"* because they can't measure up to the Seahawks rookie.

(*Wait, so we have halfbacks and fullbacks. A fullback isn't as important as a quarterback so why should he or she** be considered 4x more important than a quarterback? Who cam up with these names? The quarterback should be the fullback or maybe we stop using fractional words at all. Call a quarterback a "Throwing Man" and a fullback a "Blocking Runner Guy" or something but this current system simply does not work. Am I right, folks? I think I'm losing my mind***)

(**I'm super politically correct now. Too many scandals, ya know?)

(***Getting to that soon****)

In almost a full preseason game worth of action, Wilson has shown great arm strength, agility, scrambling ability, elusiveness, composure, and the good guys have scored 38 points. I couldn't tell you exactly the name of the defensive players that he did it against, because most of them spent last year in the Lingerie League, but it wouldn't matter because even if he did it against the 1985 Chicago Bears, we'd have to strike their names from the NFL record books for how badly they would have been embarrassed by Lord Wilson.

In the months since Seattle drafted Wilson in the third round of the NFL draft, we've speculated and pontificated on whether or not his success in college could translate to this level. There have been arguments and bannings and mega-bannings and fanpost/fanshots/comment bombs telling anyone that had anything negative to suggest about Russell "Ghandi-SteveJobs-MotherTeresa-All-Combined-In-One" Wilson that they were dumb doo-doo heads. We laughed in their faces and thought they were just blind followers unwilling to hear anything negative about Wilson or positive about any other Seattle QBs.

Now who's laughing?

They are. That's what I was getting at with that paragraph. Clearly, they've won and we've lost and it's not even worth it to root for the Seahawks anymore because I might have been wrong about Wilson starting as a rookie. That's how trivial I'm going to be about it.

The only real question we should have now is whether or not it's still worth it to play football. While it would be nice to see KingGodPresidentPrimeMinisterChiefCEOAlsoVicePresident Wilson go out there and dominate the game, would it be fair? Is it fair to the other teams, the fans, the players that have worked so hard to get here and the billionaire owners for just one man to rule them all? One man to find them? One man to bring them all and in the darkness bind them?

It's like he's the lord of something. A watch or necklace maybe, I don't know.

But with the clear result that Russell "Better than Godfather 1 and 2 and is like a world where Godfather 3 doesn't even exist" Wilson is the best that ever was, ever is, and ever will be we have to pray. Yep, pray. Why, you ask? Just to make it today, that's why.

We have to pray that somehow this game can actually survive and not tumble under the greatness of the greatest player that ever was. How can fans of other teams even root for football for the next 20-25 years while they watch just one team win everything? How can the owners of other teams make money, except for the games in which they play against Wilson? How do you talk to an angel?

It was Joan Osborne that once sang: "What if God was one of us? Just a stranger that was named Russ" and how poignant does that feel now?

And then I sit and I wonder and struggle with another idea: What if we're wrong? What if there was also a reason to like Matt Flynn? I know it sounds crazy now, but could it even be possible to worship both? Could the Seahawks quarterbacks be like some sort of Twix bar where you have one now and save one for later? (No, I've never done that either.) I feel like in the midst of all this madness where we've seen how beautiful Russell "The football version of Brendan Fraser's character in The Scout" Wilson is, that we've forgotten about Flynn. Maybe Flynn is having an identity crisis. Maybe that's why he's going around asking people to call him, "Walt, Jr." now.

I can't help but wonder, "What if they're both worth liking?"

Sure, eventually I will pay for my sins and go to Hell for saying such things, but curiosity makes us stronger. It makes us wiser. Even if it's only to appreciate one of them more than we already did, could it hurt to carefully examine both without immediately dismissing the other? Maybe even, and this is straight up BLASPHEMOUS, consider their games and situations in it's entirety?

While it is true that Wilson dominated the defenses of the Titans and Broncos like a Playstation dominates an XBox (now the war begins), should we even take a closer look at Matt Flynn?

No. We shouldn't. You jerks. It never happened. It was the prequel to Wilson and it never happened just like the Star Wars prequels never happened. What's a Jar Jar?

We won't have to worry about that on Friday since it's Wilson that's going to precede Walt, Jr. In his rightful place against the Chiefs defense, with his rightful starters surrounding him, Wilson will go 0-for-0 with 0 rushing or passing yards and the Seahawks will be up by a score of 1,623 to "Kansas City has been excommunicated from the NFL." Don't act like you can understand Russell Wilson.

But what if, and I'm just spitballin' here, what if Flynn is also good? What if his quality of opponent has been markedly better? What if the schemes shown against him as compared to Russell have been completely different? What if their gameplans on offense have been entirely unalike? What if the coaching staff wanted to see certain things out of Flynn and certain things out of Wilson and after two preseason games, that's what they've gotten? What if Flynn has played pretty well given his own situation in the first halves and when actually comparing the two values as they relate to the 2012 Seahawks, Flynn is equal to or better than Wilson, even if the numbers didn't show it?

There's only one answer to all those questions: Shutup, idiot. You want to get us struck by lightning and shit? Use your head, not-smart-head-guy. (Cousin of running-guy or whatever the hell I wrote ten minutes ago.)

Really, my brain is at 50% of normal functioning capacity right now which means that its at 10% of functioning capacity of the average person. Why?

****Because we aren't allowed to like two quarterbacks, apparently.

Last night Barrett Ruud was released traded. Upon his release trade (me no brain left), a fanshot was posted. Within that fanshot, a rumor was posted. Within that rumor, speculation was posted. Within that speculation was rumor of Russell Wilson starting on Friday. And within that rumor of Russell Wilson was another tiny little Russian figurine.

The current count of comments on that fanpost when I happened to look at a random time shows just where we've gone as a people:


We did it! I want to kill, everyone. Satan is good, Satan is our pal.

You're chanting, Kenneth.

Maybe it's time we allowed a third party in this debate between Russell "There is no debate" Wilson and Matt "There is some debate" Flynn. A party of the people, by the people, and for the people that says we can like Flynn now and Russell later. Or we could just start adding some new lexicon into American English where we replace a bunch of words with "Russell" or "Wilson," like: "Russ ya later, pizza dude!" or "That babe is a total Wilson!"

The best news that I've heard all day is that Pete Carroll has said that absolutely this debate could rage on into the fourth preseason game, and by "best" I mean "worst." The fans eyes have been acutely trained on the preseason games especially this year because of the fact that we have two interesting quarterbacks, but things are really going to get intense for the Kansas City game because now we get to see what happens when the two quarterbacks find themselves in a Freaky Friday situation and switch places.

What normally happens in that situation is absolute debacle, but every now and then you get "The Hot Chick" and go to Hell if you think that it's not an underrated classic. You just don't get John Schneider's brother Rob.

No matter what happens, we have to apply context. Did you know that Sidney Rice just had his first full practice and could possibly play this week? Did you know that the Chiefs top corner, Brandon Flowers, probably won't? And that their best pass rusher, Tamba Hali, definitely won't? The Chiefs have a good defense, but in context, we don't know how "real" this is going to feel because this is preseason. There were certain things that I wanted to see Flynn do in his second preseason game after seeing his first, like go downfield more, and we saw a bit of that. There are certain things that I want to see Wilson do, like wash away my sins, and he can only do that in the number one offense.

I guess if you're not going to name Flynn the starter now, it only makes sense to start Wilson. Let's see what he can with a start because there's no point in calling this the real dress rehearsal game for your starter if you haven't decided on one yet. Flynn has seen plenty of action against number ones and he hasn't played poorly enough or amazingly enough to secure or completely lose the job. Now Wilson gets a turn.

As Seattle fans, this isn't a bad situation to be in. Bad would be: "We just signed Tarvaris Jackson and there is no competition."

Lay down your swords. Remove thy armor. Kiss thy wife or girlfriend or boyfriend or husband and do it on the mouth, hard. Yeah, like that. Have a beer or if you're trying to stay sober, a discontinued Orbitz soft drink. Be merry. Let us gingerly touch our tips because the season hasn't even started yet and the blood shall spill onto the crowns of the orphans in good time.

Frankly, I like both of these guys.

All praise be to Wilson, the One and Only, the light and the darkness, for he shall set us free and punish 49ers for their travesties and sins. All hail Wilson.

Follow Me On Twitter. (Eerie coincidence is that my I am LITERALLY at 666 followers right now. No, really, as of writing this I am. What the hell?

And now a message from commissioner Roger Goodell: