I actually have always kind of hated power rankings, I don't know why I decided to start doing them this season. Money, fame and girls, I guess, like every other sports blogger. I mean, have you seen Danny Knobler and Pete Prisco and Rob Rang? Hunks, all of 'em oh God have I made a terrible career decision?
Anywho. Power rankings are dumb. They carry zero value, they provide very little insight, and they're nothing more than something else for gluttonous fans to consume because "It's Tuesday and the NFL week is over an I'm so sad and wah it's a whole two days until the next game I'm going to kill myself!"
Stupid, stupid power rankings.
That's why I do un-Power Rankings, which are the coolest.
They're also really time-consuming and that's why I probably keep it pretty straight with my commentary. Which follows this sentence right here. Good transition.
1. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-6) Last week: 1
I don't know if a 28-point spread was truly ridiculous (Jags are losing by an average of 22) but I think the fact that it existed was such a slap in the face to an NFL franchise that Jacksonville was destined to not let Denver cover.
Up next: Chargers
2. New York Giants (0-6) Last week: 2
The worst thing that could happen to the Jaguars this season would be having a team like New York steal the number one pick, which is probably also exactly what the NFL wants.
Up next: Vikings on Monday
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-5) Last week: 6
Losing by 11 to the Eagles at home without Michael Vick is the official nail in the coffin for the Bucs and Greg Schiano. Again, why was he hired to begin with?
Up next: at Falcons
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-4) Last week: 3
Playing the Jets finally assured the Steelers that they would force a turnover this season.
Up next: Ravens
5. Minnesota Vikings (1-4) Last week: 5
At what point can a government agency step in and finally shut down the New York Post?
Even if you don't know what this is in reference to, I'd rather not even share the link.
Up next: at Giants, Monday
6. Atlanta Falcons (1-4) Last week: 7
Were John Abraham, Dunta Robinson, and Michael Turner really that important? At least Matt Ryan won't have to face another playoff loss this season.
Up next: Bucs
7. Washington Redskins (1-4) Last week: 11
Watching Robert Griffin III play this season might make me cringe more than watching him tear his ACL.
Up next: Bears
8. Oakland Raiders (2-4) Last week: 9
I re-watched Raiders of the Lost Ark on Friday. It's a really good movie, though 30 years later you can really pick apart how formulaic it is in being such a great movie.
That's not, like, a metaphor or anything. Just making conversation.
Up next: Bye
9. St. Louis Rams (3-3) Last week: 4
They scored 38 points Sunday, their highest total since 2006. They scored 34 points last week, which was higher than any total in their previous two seasons. The Rams are legit... when they're playing the Jaguars and a crumbling Texans franchise.
Up next at Panthers
10. Buffalo Bills (2-4) Last week: 13
They had to sign the quarterback that the Raiders cut.
Up next: at Dolphins
11. Houston Texans (2-4) Last week: 16
Cornerback Johnathan Joseph said that the fans who cheered Matt Schaub's injury shouldn't "show the fuck up" then. Now may not be the best time to be telling Texans fans not to come to games.
Up next: at Chiefs
12. San Diego Chargers (3-3) Last week: 8
The Chargers are capable of looking equally bad or good in any given game. It's like Norv Turner never left.
Up next: at Jaguars
13. New York Jets (3-3) Last week: 19
Rex Ryan has turned this into a really good run defense, which would be great if teams still ran the football.
Up next: Patriots
14. Tennessee Titans (3-3) Last week: 15
I wouldn't give them exceptionally good or bad marks against the Seahawks but the bottom line is that they turned it over zero times with Jake Locker and five times in two games with Ryan Fitzpatrick. He's really not good at this whole "football" thing, which is especially insulting to free agent QBs considering that Fitzpatrick has a degree from Harvard.
Up next: 49ers
15. Cleveland Browns (3-3) Last week: 13
I really want to root for the Browns but their next four games (@ Packers, @ Chiefs, Ravens, @ Bengals) have me sadly thinking they'll be 3-7.
Up next: at Packers
16. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3) Last week: 10
Number one rushing offense, big-play passing offense, and a terrible defense. At the very least, Chip Kelly isn't a boring coach to have in the NFL.
Up next: Cowboys
17. Miami Dolphins (3-2) Last week: 17
Considering how bad they are at running the football, what made the Dolphins so damn uninterested in Reggie Bush and Jake Long?
Up next: Bills
18. Dallas Cowboys (3-3) Last week: 12
There are four years and over $16 million worth of dead money left on the contract of Miles Austin. He restructured his contract earlier this year but was smart to not take a paycut.
Austin: 15 catches, 125 yards
Terrance Williams: 18 catches, 309 yards
Up next: at Eagles
19. Arizona Cardinals (3-3) Last week: 22
Carson Palmer's interception rate is higher than Ryan Lindley's was last season.
Up next: Seahawks, Thursday
20. Baltimore Ravens (3-3) Last week: 23
Over his last 38 starts, Joe Flacco is completing 58.5% of his passes for 7.0 yards per attempt with 49 touchdowns against 30 interceptions. His average annual salary is $20.1 million, which is a third of what they pay the entire offense.
At a certain point you almost have to wonder if winning the Super Bowl could have been a reason for letting Flacco walk. Like "Eh, we got one. Thanks, we're not interested in crippling our budget for the next six years. Thank you, though!"
You got one, I really wonder if they would've gotten faster to the next one by not giving into Flacco's ridiculous demands to be paid higher than so many better players.
Up next: at Steelers
21. Carolina Panthers (2-3) Last week: 18
There's a good argument that the Panthers are going to be the team that every other team least wants to face in the playoffs.
Ted Ginn has more receiving yards this year than he's had in any season since 2009.
Up next: Rams
22. Detroit Lions (4-2) Last week: 21
Even with Calvin Johnson putting up about half as many yards per game as he did last year, the Lions are 4-2. If he starts playing back up to his standards, they'll continue to be a nightmare matchup.
Up next: Bengals
23. Chicago Bears (4-2) Last week: 20
I hate playing on Thursday so much. Case in point: The Bears beat the Giants by only six points last Thursday.
Up next: at Redskins
24. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2) Last week: 24
I'm going to stick with them as my Super Bowl pick in the AFC, even though they might be the four seed.
Up next: Lions
25. Indianapolis Colts (4-2) Last week: 29
Didn't anyone want to consider that Trent Richardson just might not be that good? A 1st round pick was always too much.
Up next: Broncos
26. Green Bay Packers (3-2) Last week: 25
Always a big fuss about the Seahawks road struggles, the Packers are 5-6 in their last 11 road games. It's another case of a team you're okay with facing in the playoffs as long as it's on your own turf.
Up next: Browns
27. San Francisco 49ers (4-2) Last week: 26
Falling back down the rankings again as people start to calm down about Aldon Smith's problems and Colin Kaepernick's poor production. Despite it all they've had four really good performances and two shitty ones. What I like more than anything is that six of their final 10 games are on the road, while Seattle is knocking out their road games early.
Up next: at Titans
28. New Orleans Saints (5-1) Last week: 31
If Aqib Talib can hold Jimmy Graham without a catch (though he's still leading the NFL in receiving) what does that say about how future teams can handle him? And remember, most of their future opponents are really good teams.
They really needed to hold on for a win on Sunday.
Up next: Bye
29. New England Patriots (5-1) Last week: 27
And they really needed it. Like the Broncos with Von Miller and the Seahawks with Percy Harvin, the Patriots are a team on top playing without a star player. How much better does this offense sound (if healthy): Danny Amendola (concussion now), Rob Gronkowski, Julian Edelman, and Kenbrell Thompkins.
They haven't gone away yet.
Up next: at Jets
30. Kansas City Chiefs (6-0) Last week: 28
I'm not going to ding them for having an easy schedule because either way the defense has been tremendous.
But if Seattle made the Super Bowl and was facing the Chiefs, I don't think I'd be able to contain myself from celebrating the two weeks prior. Kansas City is allowing 5.3 yards per carry and I don't think the Seahawks would have any problem stopping the Chiefs offense.
Up next: Texans
31. Seattle Seahawks (5-1) Last week: 30
Every team has their flaws this year, Seahawks not excluded, but I still don't think there's any other competition on their level besides Denver. The Broncos get Miller back this week and Harvin is eligible to return off the PUP.
They've gotten over the hump of the toughest stretch in their schedule (four out of five games on the road) and if they escape the first half with a 6-2 record, I think it's going to be an easy, breezy, beautiful 13-3 finish and number one seed.
Up next: at Cardinals, Thursday
32. Denver Broncos (6-0) Last week: 32
I suspect that they will lose as many games in the regular season as they will in the playoffs. One. And perhaps both of those losses will come against KC, a team capable of containing their one, big strength.
Up next: at Colts