New Rules

"'We've got to have rules and obey them. After all, we're not savages."

-William Golding, Lord of the Flies

I can summarize the extent of my recollection about 9th grade in a paragraph. I had a crush on a girl named Maggie, but was too shy to let her know. I had a History teacher who wore the same outfit on each day of the week. We had these delicious rectangular slices of pizza with tiny bits of pepperoni for lunch. Ice Ice Baby. I had my first kiss—it was awkward and wonderful. I later decided I didn’t like the girl and in my infinite wisdom and advanced maturity, just stopped talking to her. I may or may not have worn M.C. Hammer pants to a school dance. I punched my older brother in the head when he was pestering me, paradoxically improving our relationship as a result. Inspired by "Stand By Me", several friends and I had a weekend outing into the wilderness. One parent found out and we all got in trouble. I remember all this.

What I don’t remember is what I did in class. If you really think about it, it’s rather amazing that you spend over 1000 hours of your life doing something and can’t recall anything about it. Well, in truth, I do remember some of it. Mainly I remember Mr. Jackson, my 9th grade Honors English teacher, who was an eccentric sixty-something with long, bushy eyebrows. He would occasionally bust out his Gibson guitar and play sixties folk songs, tying them to themes in the various works that we would read. One book that Mr. Jackson introduced us to is "Lord of the Flies", by William Golding. Though my memory is understandingly imperfect, I remember the central theme of the book as being that of chaos vs. order. In order for a society to successfully function, certain rules need to be established and enforced. Even when there are rules (only speak when you have the conch!) things can still go bad due to human selfishness and savagery.

We at Field Gulls have a set of established rules, and yet still, due to savagery, shenanigans, tom-foolery, and a "look at me" culture there are objectionable posts rampant in the comment section. Well, lucky us, because here I come riding in on a sparkling silver horse of justice to save the day with new rules. Don’t like them? Sucks to your ass-mar, Piggy.

New Rule #1: "This" is a banned comment. It’s called a rec button—use it.

New Rule #2: "Just Sayin’" is frowned upon. We know you were just sayin’ it, because you just said it.

New Rule #3: "See what I did there/I see what you did there" will be met with a stern glance. Yes, we see it. It’s not as clever as you think.

New Rule #4: "Superb Owl" will be openly ridiculed. It was semi-mildly-almost clever the first time I saw it. Now? Stupid. We’re better than that.

New Rule #5: References to pants being off will result in minus 10 karma points. Bad things will happen to you. Seriously. For one, it’s kind of creepy. For another, if this wasn’t our meme we would all open ridicule it. I have friends who are 49ers fans (inexcusable, I know…working on eliminating them from my life) who make fun of ME because of some of YOU who have no pants. Stop it. The only way this is possible tolerable is if in fact you really don’t have pants on. For instance, in last night’s game thread there was the following comment:

"Seriously. Looking at my screen with my pants off."

He’s serious! This is allowed but highly disturbing. The source of the quote? Superb Owl, who now hates me for ruining all of his meme-tastic fun.

New Rule #6: Obvious/cliché references will met with scorn. For example, after Zach Miller scored last night, five different people all posted "Miller Time!" in the game thread. You’re better than this. Be original. Oh, and one of those five people was Superb Owl. I shit you not.

New Rule #7: Russell Wilson does not want to fuck you and resents it when you make homo-erotic comments about him. Let me make two things clear. First, I’m cool with people making the choice to love anyone that they want. It’s all good in the hood. Secondly, I understand that the potential sexual references in football are vast and varied—gap penetration, tight end, receiver, ramming it into the hole, etc. But Russell Wilson, or any of our players, must not be made the object of sexual desire due to their athletic prowess or any other characteristic. You would think this wouldn’t have to be a rule, but you’d be wrong. Check out these posts from last night’s game thread:

"Hey guys, just got here. Where does the line form to fellate Russell Wilson." Jason Drake

"I AM AT THIS MOMENT TOUCHING MY PENIS." Shams (presumably using caps lock, because it would be hard to touch your penis, hold shift, and type at the same time)

"HOLY SHIT! I just came." Weitzmand

"FUCK ME SO HARD EARLLLLLLL!!!!!" the other side

And that’s just a selection of them. Can we not all agree that these vile comments represent a level of decorum more becoming of a fan of the Oakland Raiders, that barbarous batch of beastly savages? We are better than this, people.

So, my fellow 12’s, argue in favor of or against the new rules listed above in the comment section, and feel free to add your own. Because after all, we’re not savages.