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Rapping with The Drunkard: The Saint Louise Sheeple

The most fascinating drunk guy at this bar is here to tell you all about The Rams, and, you know....their...talents?

Hey Rams....let me smang it.
Hey Rams....let me smang it.
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Listen up, ladies and germs...

Another dessicated corpse has been left in our wake, and the rain-blessed warmachine of Seattle continues its inexorable march towards eternity. Neither Titans, nor Red Birds stood a woman's chance in Oklahoma of defeating us. It was unfettered annihilation, and I expect this coming week to be nothing else.

On Monday night, the eyes of the league will turn towards us and receive a full-frontal view of the big, swinging talent that is the Seattle Seahawks.

I hear you out there, worried that this will be a close game filled with free-rushers and lead changes. You are shivering in your pantaloons that the formidable front of The Lou will bring so much pressure, it pops a gasket and overruns our Vanguard. Well you can put that baby to bed right now, mister ('cause I know none of my ladies are thinking that). This game will not be close. Oh, I give you that the Ramrods might hang for the first five minutes or so...

And then we'll flip this bitch up to batshit clown shoes.

They are not prepared for the screaming insanity that is our offense. We have Dangeruss Wilson, The Beast, Doug "The Killshot" Baldwin, Golden "Giggles" Tate, and...Robert Turbin (every time Turbin is tackled by his ankles after a one-yard-gain, I hear the Goofy laugh). And that's just our O...wait until they gander upon our D!

Lest ye forget, The Deathbacker brutally murdered a Right Tackle last Thursday. Like...he mounted his head upon a pike outside the gates of The Clink.

This defense has its teeth bared, and is ripping at its chains in anticipation for Monday night. Forty-Seven Rams will take the field at Edwin James Memorial Stadium Place, and after three hours of massive attacks, only forty-seven plates of shawarma will be left. Where once there stood a bleak and tomb-like edifice, will now be filled with its first taste of what a glorious champion looks like. Feast your eyes, Saint Louise!

Alright, fine...I won't bullshit you. The Rams play us hard, they really do. This is a battle that takes place within our sphere of influence, and that always poses a risk. Even the most wayward of armies have the chance of defeating us, when they are so well acquainted with our tactics and personnel. There are no easy victories in this campaign, and if we are not careful, these Rams cou...wait, what? Bradford is out? Kellen Clemens will be leading them? The former Waterfowl? He of seven touchdowns and thirteen interceptions?

Nevermind. Call this one now, and let's just look to the pirates of Tampa Bay.


1. Let's step into the limelight with a little razzle-dazzle on Monday!


2. I mean, I'm ready to walk up into Eduardo Jaime Derp like straight up "fuck yo' couch!"


3. How hard can it be? Kellen's arm is garbage.


4. In this match-up, like many before it, we will be our own worst enemy.


5. Sure, The Rams can bring pressure. But like inexperienced lovers, they will fail to make it happen with Russell.


6. Fair enough, they DID beat the Niners. But we all know what the Niners really consist of...


7. Honestly, I am a little worried about Michael Brockers' ability to move.


8. How do I explain the Seahawks' offense? Russell Wilson is pint-sized murder machine; skeeting out killshots with a precision unseen in today's League.


9. Russell runs into the teeth of your D, then retreats and bombs it for a touchdown. This leaves you dazed and confused.


10. I can't decide what is more apparent with Wilson: his skill, or his blatant animal magnetism.


11. The Rams think they are the sexy pick, but...They are not.


12. Regardless, he is our Dark Lord, and he has a game plan for The Ram's defense.


13. As for THEIR offense: they are more than welcome to come at our D, but they are playing with fire.


14. Our defense will grind The Lambs up, and leave them like.. Goat

15. IN CONCLUSION: to all you who believe The Rams may win, my only response is...