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2013 NFL Draft: The No PUN League? The story headline database for every top prospect

Draft punk? Maybe. But when the NFL Draft is finished in April, ESPN and other publications will be looking for punny headlines. I got the broad jump on 'em.


The NFL Draft is now a couple of months away and when it goes down, the journalists will be out in full force to use their many years of schooling and experience as professionals... to come up with the most punny headlines. Good work on getting that Ivy League degree!

Even worse is that I'm about to beat them to the punch on as many of those headlines as I can today. These are so funny they'll make you poop your pants, so let's get sharted;

Luke Joeckel -

Luke Sky-Joeckel

Luke, Andy Reid is your father

If it Joeck's like a duck and it Joeck's like a duck, he must have been drafted by Chip Kelly

Luke what we have here

Luke Joeckel-meanie: Better tackle than Breno Giacomini

Geno Smith -

Hear no evil, Geno evil

Geno Davis: I can't really tell if rookie is hot or not

Matt Barkley -

Matthew? I Barkley know you

Bark for quark: Rookie QB is elementary particle that hopes for forum nucleus of strong foundation

Sharrif Floyd -

I picked the Sharrif, and he will be the new DT

Team picked the Sharrif, and they did not pick Lotulelei

Double baco cheeseburger, it's for a cop: Chiefs pick guy with first name that is like the ranking of a police officer, get it?

Bjoern Werner -

Werner Hurts-og: New defensive end plans to bring the pain, but with beautiful style

Nothing 'baby' about this Bjoern

Bjoern to be mild: New Browns rookie underwhelms fanbase

Bjoern to be heiled: All hail the German king of Detroit

Jarvis Jones -

Jarvis Hearts: Welcome to the city of brotherly love

Jarvis Flies: "No Excuses" for rookie

Jar-Jar Jones: Is rookie biggest mistake in history of franchise?

Ezekiel Ansah -

Ezekiel 25:17: The path of the righteous man is beset in Oakland

Ezekiel 25:17: Does Marcellus Wallace look like a bitch? No, and neither does Ezekiel Ansah

Ezekiel 25:17: That is one tasty Ansah

Is that your final Ansah?

Eric Fisher -

Fisher Price? 7th overall pick, as Cards tab Central Michigan tackle

Gone Fisherin': Cheifs reel in tackle

Cowboys surprisingly pick tackle: When you Fisher 'pon a star

Dee Milliner -

A-B-C-Dee: E F G, H I J K Wel-come to Philly

It's cold in the Dee: Lions pick Milliner of Alabama

Star Lotulelei -

It's never too Lotulelei(te) to Star(t): This headline is a reach

Star-diac arrest

Lane Johnson -

Changing Lane's: The Lane Johnson Story

Merging into the left Lane: How one man changed positions and changed his life

Cordarrelle Patterson -

"Corduroy Bear": Because the Bears drafted Cordarelle Patterson

The pitter Patterson of little steps: Young rookie hopes to grow up in NFL

Xavier Rhodes -

Where we're going, we need Rhodes

P-Rhodes-fessor Xavier

Marvel at the X-Man

Chance Warmack -

War Mack-chine

A guard with the number four pick? What are the Chance's?

War-Mack 10: Titans take player named Chance Warmack with 10th overall pick

Dion Jordan -

Heir Jordan: Maybe he's like going to inherit the position or something?

See Lean Dion: Rookie defensive end is in great shape

Jonathan Cooper -

Pooper Cooper: Rookie guard ready to take a dump on the league

Hang in with Mr. Cooper, because this kid is a slam dunk!

Damontre Moore -

More like Damontre "Less" after that Combine, am I right?

"Dinty" Moore: This prospect's got himself a stew goin'

Damontre, which is Spanish for "The Montre"

Kawann Short -

Is the NFL a 'tall' order for Short? Height reference, get it?

Short-order cook: Mike Holmgren wants rookie to make him food and stuff

Giants rookies: The Jersey Short.

I'm going to the Jersey Short, bitches

Tyler Eifert -

Good job, good Eifert

Sheldon Richardson -

The Big Gang Theory: Jets take Sheldon

Get Richardson or die tryin'

Keenan Allen -

Keenan and Shel: In the event that the Rams take Keenan Allen and Sheldon Richardson

Barkevious Mingo -

Mingo Starr, Don't go Barkeviousing up the wrong tree

Somewhere over the Mingo, way up high: Blue Birds (Seahawks) fly with rookie

His name is literally Barkevious Mingo: What else do you want from me?

Kenny Vaccaro -

Oh my God, they drafted Kenny: You bastards

Desmond Trufant -

The Truf, the whole Truf, and nothing but the Truf: So help us win the Super Bowl, Desmond

Desmond Tru-Tru: Rookie hopes to bring peace to Patriots

Datone Jones -

Daaaaaaa-tone. Me say, Day. Me say, Day. Me say, Daaaaaa-tone. Datone Jones and he wan' go home.

Datone? Uhhh. 500: This headline makes no sense but it makes me laugh. Team drafts UCLA's Jones.

DJ Fluker -

Hey Mr. DJ, keep Flukin' that song

Fluker? I mean damn, that's like pretty far to go with someone that I hardly know

Tavon Austin -

Tavon Austin Green: If a team with green team colors drafts Tavon Austin

Austin? Austin, Massachusetts? Meet Patriots newest rookie

Manti Te'o -

Te it ain't 'O: Team prays on Manti

Manti-disestablishmentarianism: The long road to the NFL

Cornellius 'Tank' Carradine -

Corn' on the job: Ravens say 'Tank you very much' to newest rookie

Hello young Grasshopper: Carradine ready to 'Kung Fu' the NFL

Johnthan Banks -

Philly-ip Banks: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air moves back to Philadelphia and is also Uncle Phil now

Arthur Brown -

Follow Kenneth Arthur "Brown" on Twitter. Oh wait, that last one was just for me.