clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Will the highly-anticipated new season be as good as you hope?

Now the story of a wealthy owner with a losing team and the GM who had no choice but to keep them all together.

gangee and pop-pop
gangee and pop-pop

There's more to writing than football and booze and buckets of blood - Why do you have buckets of blood?

It's not real blood, it's corn syrup and red dye. Juice.

Unlimited juice? This article is gonna be off the hook!

Those Seahawks are some kind of something. Boy, these Hawks are all anybody's ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that John Schneider is. Overrated.

Many Seattle fans think that the city needs a basketball team. Even though they've got the Mariners, the Seahawks --you think that would turn them off of sports entirely. There was a time we were ashamed to be Seahawks fans. (Well no, we were ashamed be seen as Seahawks fans. We liked being Seahawks fans.) The previous GM was known for "Ruskell's Scramble," a team that contained everything on the menu. Do not order Ruskell's Scramble.

Hired Jim Mora? "I've made a huge mistake."

Narrator: Hawksoprine may cause numbness to your feelings.

I could've sworn I just saw the Seahawks go from the Super Bowl to one of the worst teams in the NFL... Or not, I think hallucinations are a side effect of Hawksoprine.

Narrator: They aren't.

Kenneth: It's like the team gets off on being withholding.

Danny: Woah, Kenny.

Thomas: Look who's got something to say.

Kenneth: "I'm Tim Ruskell. I think the fans will be just fine with us giving Steve Hutchinson the transtition tag instead of the franchise tag."

Thomas: Look who's ragging on the team!

Kenneth: "Cause I'm a [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep] Nate Burleson [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppp]"

Danny and Thomas: .......

Kenneth: ... [bleeee] you horny old slut!

Danny: Well, no one's going to top that.

Was there a carbon monoxide leak in Qwest? The team was in danger. What tipped us off? The piling losses or not knowing when the next time would be that someone calls you a "stupid cornballin' piece of (bleep)!"? (He was an analyst and a debator. The world's first analbator.) Then Schneider and Pete Carroll burned it down. Down to the ground. "There's always money in the 12th man!" they said.

John Schneider: Do you see us building more through the draft or free agency?

Pete Carroll: Whoa, whoa, whoa -- There's still plenty of meat on that bone. You take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, potato... Baby, you've got yourself a stew going.

Schneider: So what you're saying is that it's like a metaphor for building a team through a mix of both?

Carroll: Let me tell you a little story about football. I was coaching at USC in 2005 and Reggie Bush wanted me to buy him dinner. I took him down to a soup kitchen, grabbed the leftovers that nobody wanted, went back to the dorm... Baby, we had a stew going.

Okay everybody, we drafted Russell Wilson. The party has started... Let's go, everybody dance now. Everybody dance NOW! [listless dancing]

But Wilson is quite the cupid. He can stick an arrow in my buttocks any time. "Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?" says Wilson. (I remind myself: No touching! No touching!) My God. What is this feeling? It may just be what many people call... a feeling. It's not like envy, or even hungry. Love? I know what an erection feels like! No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard. (Possibly a little bit of an erection.)

Russell Wilson: "Do you remember that Wesley Snipes movie we snuck into, Kenny? The Fan?"

Kenneth Arthur: "No, actually, I don't remember it."

Narrator: In fact, Kenny knew the movie very well. He currently had a copy of the DVD hidden in his sock drawer. Kenny was getting ready for blogging when he came across a bunch of unsaved drafts for articles that he had written but never published about Wilson. One article, titled "If you weren't a guy," was particularly incriminating.

It's not like we want this success to get to our head and alienate the division.

Narrator: In fact, Kenny had started to alienate the division.

Do you think that the Seahawks would fraternize with the Cardinals? Come on! Or that the team with Earl Thomas is going to let the Rams score? Come on! Yeah, like we're going to lose the division to the 49ers. Come on!

Danny Kelly: Do you like the Seahawks?

Kenneth: No.


Kenneth: I love them.

Danny Kelly: Marry me!

Richard Sherman: Hey, my brother.

We're one day closer to another Seahawks season, so I just blue myself.

/loses arm

And that's why you always follow me on Twitter!

Narrator: On the next Field Gulls, Kenneth does receive a new follower on Twitter.

"Oh a new follower! Redmond Cakes and Cookies? Following 50,000??? [bleep]!"