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Five Ways to Please Your Russell Wilson

Everybody wants a Russell Wilson and when you've got one, you never want to let go. We asked some experts how we could best keep our Russell Wilson's happy.

russell wilson > rachel bilson
russell wilson > rachel bilson

The Russell Wilson phenomena is sweeping the nation and capturing hearts like Freddy captures naughty teens, but is this just a passing fad or an everlasting love? How can you keep your very own Russell Wilson happy and with you until the end of days?

We asked a few experts what the best ways are to keep your Russell Wilson happy and make sure he never strays for another team or city. What did they have to say? Here are the top five ways to please your Russell:

Tell Him "Go Hawks."

Simple and subtle, every Russell Wilson likes to know "Go Hawks." If your Russell is feeling blue, or even a little green, just look him right in the eyes and softly whisper "Go Hawks." so that he knows everything is going to be okay.

"Russell's need to have a safe place. Somewhere that they know that no matter what, Go Hawks," says football expert Gardy McLeavin. "It's just as important to note the lack of exclamation. It's a simple period at the end. Go Hawks."

Volunteer at a Children's Hospital for 25 hours a day

Russell's know when you are sleeping. They know when you're awake. They know when you've been bad or good, so dress up as Donko the Clown and volunteer at a children's hospital for more hours than the day actually contains.

For goodness sake.

"I once went to a luncheon with my mother and father for an hour, taking a break from visiting kids in the hospital," says former Russell Wilson-haver Vantressa Gundlebär. "My Russell wasn't happy. He turned around a cured a disease so that there would be less children in hospitals."

The Russell Wilson drinking game that's all the rage!

Catch an interception for a touchdown

Russell's rarely make mistakes, and they are often so competitive and self-critical* that it's important to not only nurture them with a "Go Hawks." but to help them prevent and correct mistakes before they ever happen. One good way to do this is to make sure that their interceptions are actually game-winning touchdowns.

"Yeah, that's a good way to do that," said touchdown-maker expert Golden Tate, who apparently could not be reached for a good comment.

*This is especially important with a Japanese breed of Russell Wilson. They are often known to throw themselves upon a samurai sword should they use the wrong variation of there/their/they're.

Change out his microprocessor

Russell's do not require much maintenance, running on state-of-the-art lithium ion batteries that can keep them charged for years without concern. But every microprocessor needs a little tune-up every now and then. Give the reset/off command:

"Russell Wilson sighting"

Take off his shirt to get to the microprocessor. (Mercy, I think this writer might be having a case of the vapors.) Then do something something.

"The microprocessor is located where the human heart would normally be, right between the nipples," said robot expert Korston. "The important thing is not to pass out when your eyes feast upon the optical glory."

Stop letting receivers get behind you and score game-winners when your Russell Wilson has everything in his damn beautiful power to give you the lead when nobody believed in you to begin with, you dolts

Just please stop.

"Yeah, please stop," said Russell Wilson expert Russell Wilson, who is considered the foremost expert on Russell Wilson's.

He added: "Go Hawks."

Follow Kenneth on Twitter Go Hawks.