5 reasons to a perfect Seahawks season: Persons Unknown edition

Back in 2010, at the height of trying to copy the success of LOST, NBC took yet another shot with the fascinating-looking show Persons Unknown which was hyped as "from the writer of The Usual Suspects." A group of strangers wakes up to find themselves in a hotel that's located in a ghost town and they are the only people there, and they can't leave.

Say what? Now that sounds interesting!

Guess what. It totally wasn't.

Persons Unknown will always haunt me as one of the worst shows that I ever stuck with to the end. The acting was terrible. The dialogue was more cringy than me recalling my memories of me at high school dances. The story was convoluted and bad. And Christopher McQuarrie's show (the writer of The Usual Suspects, one of the best scripts of all-time) ended with more questions than answers.

Despite the fact that the advertising of the show was "by the end all questions will be answered!" due to the fact that people were getting sick of LOST's constant new questions.

Ratings and reviews were bad, but Persons Unknown couldn't just go off of the air without NBC catching flack from the 150 fans of the show that they had given them a puzzle that would never be solved. So instead they did what you might do with a girlfriend that you're going to breakup with but you've got those concert tickets for a show that's only a week away.

You get this over with as quick as possible.

NBC aired the final four episodes within a week of each other and mercifully ended this disaster.

I wouldn't say that 5 reasons to a perfect Seahawks season has been a disaster by any means. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone called it "A masterpiece of predicting a perfect season!" Fangora.com said it was a "Trippy road down mysteria lane!" And Roger Ebert said "Brains!"

Due to the pure volume of writing 32 fantasy previews of every NFL team, a few new podcasts, other works of writing for Field Gulls, and my nightly 4-hour D&D sessions, I have to stick the knife deep into the heart of "5 Reasons" but not without at least telling you how the Hawks get their perfect seasonne. Just consider this the cliff-note, abridged, "Persons Unknown" version.

When we last left off, the Seahawks beat the Bucs in Week 9, and we can only hope that both Richard Sherman and Darrelle Revis play both ways in that game.

Week 10 - @ Atlanta Falcons

Why we win:

Uno. The only thing that kept Seattle from beating Atlanta in Atlanta during a playoff game was an ill-advised timeout and perhaps the absence of Chris Clemons. We should hope that Clemons will be back by now and that Pete Carroll will never, ever, ever try to freeze a kicker again.

I felt like Zack Morris when Derrick Morris blew him off once again for a Giant Phone Convention.

Pete gets a phone call when he's talking to me and cuts me off.

"Pete Carroll."

"Is this the only way I can get through to you dad I mean Coach Carroll?"

"Kenneth?"

Dos. I think we overestimated how much we underestimated Atlanta last season. The advanced numbers said that they weren't that good, but I think they were better than we thought. However, they're still not the best team in the NFC, and I could argue that they're not even one of the six best teams in the NFC.

Seattle, San Francisco, Green Bay, Chicago, and possibly New York, Washington, Minnesota, St. Louis, Tampa Bay, New Orleans, and Carolina. The NFC is tough, where do the Falcons really fit in?

Tres. It's even harder to judge after the losses of Michael Turner, John Abraham, Dunta Robinson, and tacking on a year to Tony Gonzalez's career.

Quatro. I'd be very concerned about the depth in Atlanta if I was a Falcons fan.

Matt Ryan is backed up by Dominique Davis and Sean Renfree. Jackson is backed up by Jason Snelling and Jacquizz Rodgers. (Rodgers is an excellent receiver out of the backfield and that's it.) The third receiver is Harry Douglas and he was awful last year.

The Falcons have a very good starting lineup but they're sort of like Austrian composer Arnold Schoenberg before 1908... missing a second string!

(Schoenberg didn't create String Quartet No.2 in F Minor, op 10 until then.)

Cinco. Falcons? More like mALCONtents.

Five is hard because winning in Atlanta will be hard. Despite the fact that I think Seattle is definitely the better team, this is still a very good team and a very good home team. Thomas DeCoud and William Moore are an underrated and experienced safety tandem, Osi Umenyiora replaced Abraham, Desmond Trufant and Robert Alford are the two corners they selected with their first and second round picks.

This game will be close and maybe it comes down to special teams. Last year Football Outsiders ranked the Seahawks as 3rd and the Falcons as 16th in that category, so there ya go 10-0.

Week 11 - Minnesota Vikings

Why we win:

1. This was an easy win last season. "30-20" does not accurately describe how much better the Seahawks were on that day other than one Adrian Peterson.

2. Russell Wilson was 16-of-24, 173 yards, three touchdowns, no interceptions, 27 yards rushing.

3. Christian Ponder was 11-of-22, 63 yards, no touchdowns, one interception, but 23 yards rushing!

4. Adrian Peterson ran for 182 yards and two touchdowns by Peterson is a problem for everybody. If having the best back in the league meant that you would win every game then the Vikings would have be the ones going for the perfect season but of course it's more than that.

When your quarterback throws for 63 yards, that's a problem. It wasn't just the Seattle secondary that forced him into that either; Ponder failed to eclipse 100 yards passing numerous times last year. Numerous as in, more than me just saying "twice" obviously.

Not only that but the Vikings even had Percy Harvin in that game. Now where is Harvin playing (sorta)?

The Vikings will rely heavily on a wide receiver unit that could actually be really good if it all works out and just awful if it doesn't. But at least if Ponder doesn't cut it they can always replace him with that guy from Kansas City that threw one touchdown after Week 4 last season.

5. At home, it's over. My sick flow says 11-0.

Week 12 - Bye

Week 13 - Saints, Monday Night Football

Why we win:

I. They are the most ready for some football. Not only do they want "some" but they'll take the hold gosh darn thing. All of the football, I say! The Seahawks still hold the best winning percentage in Monday Night Football history. They are so good that last year proved that they literally can't lose on Monday night football.

Like, it's a league rule I'm pretty sure.

II. Monday night at home is an unfair double-whammy.

III. The Saints only play efense.

New Orleans finished 31st in points allowed, 31st in passing defense, and 32nd in rushing defense. Ooohh so close to the triple crown! What did they do to get better? Nothing really. Kenny Vaccaro, and John Jenkins are the rookies planning to make an impact, but how much of one? Their plan is still to outscore you and Seattle thrived in that situation last year:

Packers, Patriots... Well, basically those two teams. But we beat them. At home. And one of them on Monday night.

IV: So if Seattle scores 38 points due to having perhaps the league's number one rushing attack against possibly the leagues worst rushing defense, is that more points than what 2012's number one scoring defense will allow to New Orleans?

I would think so.

The Seahawks haven't allowed 30 points in a regular season game since October 30, 2011.

V. If Seattle has a defensive weakness, it might be be pass rush and rush defense. Hopefully the Quarterback-Quillers-Quartet of Chris Clemons, Cliff Avril, Bruce Irvin, and Michael Bennett is healthy in Week 13 to join the Legion of Boom.

And if the Saints have a weakness on offense, it could be in the running game. Plus, they're still figuring out who that third receiver is going to be after the loss of Joe Morgan. Will it be Kenny Stills? Nick Toon? There's a person named Nick Toon? I don't believe it, but I guess it's possible.

Beating the Seahawks at home on Monday Night Football? Impossible. Welcome to the show, 12-0.

Week 14 - @ San Francisco 49ers

Repeat: 'Bout dat life.

(Just realizing that I put boog-a-loo in the Niners preview headline and ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong in the Rams preview headline. I'm not clever or good.)

Did it back when, will do it again, this time on the road, Jim Harbaugh explodes. As Toad says "Here we go!" the Seahawks are 13-0.

Week 15 - @ New York Giants

G1ants. They said it couldn't be done. They said Seattle couldn't win in the morning on the east coast and especially not against the Giants.

But even when sucking all the sucks, the Seahawks went into New York in 2011 and beat the Giants 36-25 in the morning. And those Giants won the Super Bowl. Now that it's the Hawks that are about to win a Super Bowl, I can only imagine that they're going to win by at least twice that much.

Seattle has a problem winning on the east coast? Eh. Seattle had a problem winning games when they kind of sucked. Professionals need to win anywhere, any time, no excuses. I wouldn't make an excuse for them this year and I don't think I'll have to.

Giant2. The Giants best weapons are obviously Victor Cruz and Hakeem Nicks. They've added tight end Brandon Myers this year but I don't expect him to reproduce his big numbers with the Raiders of a year ago. Not that he won't be productive, but you'll let him get 10 catches if it means you shut down Cruz and Nicks.

Having Sherman, Browner, Chancellor, and Thomas is quite the luxury. I have confirmed that none of them will be suspended for the last four games of the year, too. Totally confirmed.

3iants. Did you realize that New York finished 31st in total defense last year? And 29th in net yards per pass attempt allowed? And 28th in yards per carry allowed? And had just 33 sacks? And that eight of their 21 interceptions went to Stevie Brown, who is out for the season?

And why am I placing so much pressure on you to answer questions when I'm the one writing the article? It's like going to a concert and asking the audience to do the work.

Am I sorry?

I'm thinking that New York's defense is kinda not good unless Jason Pierre-Paul gets back over 15 sacks again and gets contributions from unexpected places. If it's unexpected though, how can I predict that! What I think I know for sure: Seattle defense > New York defense.

Gi4nts. I ain't never let no team with Josh Brown gon' beat me again.

Ain't never.

Giant5. The offense's gain is a special teams loss?

Running back David Wilson is an integral part to the Giants this year after letting Ahmad Bradshaw go and the breaking of the leg of Andre Brown. How can you let your lone wolf running back return kicks? You really can't logically do that.

Wilson was probably the league's best kick returner last season.

We don't know how to assign value to football players as well as we know how to assign value to baseball players (and that's been debated to death) but I know that leading the league in kick returns, kick return yards, and on a 26.9 yard average (Football Outsiders ranked them number one in kick returns as well) is valuable. Just replacing that with another guy is not as easy as it sounds.

New York is already thin at running back, how much thinner will they be on kick returns because of that? And if they do let Wilson return kicks, how much does that increase his chances of getting hurt?

I ask you the questions because I don't know, except one thing: 14-and-0!

Week 16 - Arizona Cardinals

Repeat: 'dinal and void

Nobody ever puns the second half of 'Cardinals.'

We have a lot of fun around here, but if I can't be really confident in a Week 16 game at home against the Cardinals, when can I be confident? With women? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Ha. hehehe. te.

Arizona's best shot is that the 14-0 Seahawks have wrapped up the number one seed, so actually they might have a shot. Not a good one. Shooby-dooby-doo-wop, shooby-dooby-dooby-dooby-dooby-doo-wop, yeah, magic 15-0!

Week 17 - St. Louis Rams

Repeat: Lama-ding-dong

Do I need to get rid of my entire inventory (i.e., am I crazy?) or do we play the Rams at home in the season finale every year? And do we ever lose that? We won't ever lose to the Rams again ever ever ever. For-e-ver.

You say yo, I say Go, the Seattle Seahawks, 17-and-0hhhhh snap! drop the beat! weeeeohhhhhhh!!!

And that's it! We wrapped it up and it's been excellent especially since all along I had planned to wrap up almost half of this entire series in a single article. Just like I had designed it. Just like Persons Unknown.

Except good?