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Seahawks win Super Bowl 48 against Denver Broncos

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Yeah, Seattle is totally the champions of the NFL. (Fooled ya.)

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

The Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl. Not only that, but it was one of the most dominating Super Bowl wins in NFL history, going up 36-0 at one point and ultimately winning 43-8. Oh, and also it came against PEYTON MANNING and the Denver Broncos.


So get this, uh, the Seahawks scored on the first play of the game. Yeah, that's it. Oh and it wasn't even their ball, the Broncos had it. Umm, like, it was a horrible shotgun snap that went into the end zone for a safety and Seattle was up 2-0 for the quickest score in Super Bowl history. Uh huh.

And like, Denver had maybe the greatest offense in pro football history, scoring the most points ever, and favored to win the game but ended up losing by 35 points. It was like, the biggest point differential in a Super Bowl since 1992.

So this is kind of how it went down.

Umm, let's say that after the safety, the Broncos couldn't get any first downs against the Seahawks and then they got a couple of field goals to go up 8-0, but then Kam Chancellor intercepted Manning at the end of the first quarter even though Manning only had 11 interceptions in the previous 18 games and was league MVP. Then I guess Percy Harvin had a quick 15-yard end-around and um, Marshawn Lynch scored from 1-yard out to make it 15-0 and there was still 12 minutes left in the first half.

Yeah, that's it.

So then Denver finally starts driving into Seattle territory for the first time and all of a sudden Malcolm Smith, who was like, not even drafted until the seventh round and hardly ever played in his three year career, intercepted maybe the greatest quarterback of all-time and returned it 69 yards for a touchdown to make it 22-0.

(God, is anyone even buying this anymore?)

Like, it was so bad that a team in the Super Bowl was actually going for it on fourth down in the first half of the championship game.

Okay and let's also say that the Seahawks quarterback is some dude named "Russell Wilson" and he's the shortest QB in the league, and was only in his second season, and was only drafted in the third round behind 74 other prospects including a punter. And just for shits and giggles, he's easily got top-10 all-time numbers from a QB in his first two seasons, and arguably top five.

And he is also a member of a major league baseball organization.

(Yeah right.)

Oh right, back to the "game" that totally happened.

Umm, on the second half kickoff, Harvin, who was the biggest offseason acquisition in the league maybe and played in just one regular season game and one postseason game before getting hurt again, took it to the house to make it 29-0 and essentially put all of Denver's hopes to rest.

(You could ONLY make this stuff up.)

With 7:17 left in the third quarter, Jon Ryan punted for the first and only time.

Three plays later, the Broncos' Demaryius Thomas fumbled the ball and Smith had another turnover go in his favor when he recovered it. Three minutes later, "Wilson" threw a 23-yard touchdown pass to Jermaine Kearse, who was too shitty to even be drafted.

In fact, let's just say that other players that were too crappy to be drafted were, uh, Doug Baldwin, Chris Clemons, Michael Bennett, Tony McDaniel, Ricardo Lockette, Alvin Bailey, Derrick Coleman (while we're at it, let's just say that Coleman is legally deaf), Heath Farwell and Chris Maragos.

Also there's this "player" named "Richard Sherman" that didn't go until the "fifth round" and is the "best" "cornerback" in the "entire" league maybe and "definitely" one of the most "recognizable" players in the "league" now and "has" 20 "interceptions" despite making only "42" career starts.

Aaaannnnnddd the head coach is some guy named Pete Carroll. Yeah, that guy who was exiled from the NFL like 15 years ago, if you can even remember that.

So finally the Broncos scored and in a Super Bowl game, a team went for a two-point conversion before the fourth quarter had even begun.

(By now it's pretty obvious that this is a joke, so why even continue?)

Then to top it all off, Wilson threw another touchdown pass, this time to his other undrafted free agent receiver Baldwin (seriously, the Broncos are the only team with good receivers and if this game even happened, it would be Thomas and Eric Decker and Wes Welker catchin' all the scores, y'all) and it was the final score of 43-8.

(I didn't even try to make it LOOK like a real score.)

With two minutes left to go, it was DENVER that ended up running out the clock so they could go home.

"Wilson," a player that was barely recruited coming out of high school and ended up choosing NC State over "Duke" (who didn't even get a football team until 2013 so you know I'm lying) joined Kurt Warner as the only players to ever throw two touchdowns in a Super Bowl in one of their first two seasons. Which would technically mean that Wilson was the first player to do it within two years of being drafted.

I guess you could even say that "Russell Wilson" was the third-youngest quarterback to ever win a Super Bowl. And of the six-youngest QBs to ever win a Super Bowl besides "Wilson," the only one to not win a second championship was Joe Namath.

Oh and the "Seahawks" totally didn't get relocated to Los Angeles in 1996 and totally exist and the city of "Seattle" didn't get demolished in the quake of 1999. "Sure, buddy."



The Seahawks could never win a Super Bowl.