Wednesday's Seahawks practice featured a big fight between Richard Sherman and Phil Bates that ended in handshakes, because playing for Pete Carroll is like going to Olive Garden: When you're here, you're family.
If I recall correctly, past fights in practice have resulted in the coaches saying that they like the passion it brings, even though I'm sure they'd rather avoid any real physical brawls that involve punches or talking about mamas. But in my opinion, a fight between Sherman and Bates is almost unfair. Not because Bates doesn't have the physical aptitude to beat Sherman if he wants to, but because one of them just signed a mega-contract and the other is still waiting for his first real NFL action after two seasons.
If Sherman had actually done anything to hurt Bates chances of making the team, by injuring his body or his ego, it would be a truly sad occurrence. If Bates had done anything to injure Sherman, we'd have to send him into hiding like Edward Snowden. We like both of these guys, and we don't want either to do anything to harm themselves or each other. Disagree, argue, yell in each other's faces, but keep your hands off the product, please.
Instead, let's take a look at three hypothetical fights between guys who've never even had to share the same field. These are notable players from Seahawks history and an imagining of what might happen if they ever faced off against one another. For the most part, it is entirely realistic. I think that this is exactly what would happen.
Russell "The Pulled Muscle" Okung versus Walter "Strong Bones" Jones
The former was probably never going to be as dominant as the latter, but you won't be saying that in Sunday's Ladder Match to the Death. It's like Hulk Hogan versus Andre the Giant, except instead of Hulk Hogan, it's Yokozuna and instead of bodyslamming Andre for the win, he's had to call off the match for 6-8 weeks as he recovers from a strained thigh muscle on account of having to carry around all that guaranteed money in his left pocket.
The pair finally meets on Christmas Day, 2016 on Pay-Per-View. Within three minutes, Strong Bones pins The Pulled Muscle to the mat by performing the Banzai Drop on his chest with his Hall of Fame bust.
1-2-3, you're out!
Marshawn "Beast Mode" Lynch versus Shaun "Come on, I was MVP!!!!" Alexander
The two combatants line up against one another in front of a crowd of 50,000 roaring fans at CenturyLink. The announcer gets on the microphone to introduce the two warriors for this bloody battle where two men enter, and only one man leaves.
"In this corner, weighing 215 when in human form, and 350 pounds when entering Beast Mode!!!" The crowd lets out a big, raucous cheer. The ground begins to quake. "Mar-Shawn Lynch!!!"
"And over here is Shaun Alexander."
A child in the 300 level says to his mother, "Mom, who's that?" and every soul in the stadium can hear him say it because of how silent it is. "Nobody knows, dear."
The announcer gets on the horn again to say, "Marshaaaaaaawwwwwwwwn Lyyyyyynch!!!" and the place goes nuts. Just insanely nuts, you guys. Confetti bombs, fireworks, Jock Jams blares through the same speakers that the 12th man uses to cheat with during games. Alexander runs over and grabs the mic, and speaks the crowd.
"Now gosh darn it! I'm sorry for the coarse language, but this is a darn-tooting shame. I helped the Seahawks win the division over and over again. I'm the all-time franchise leader in rushing yards and touchdowns and it's not even close. I have more than double the career-tooting yards as this fella over here. Sir, it's an honor to make your acquaintance, and I'm sure you are a fine gentleman, but I have more than double your career touchdowns. I won MVP in 2005 and helped us get to the Super Bowl. I was MVP, my friends!!!"
The fans looked at each other, left and right, unsure of what to do or say. Was this guy truly what he says he was? Was he truly a great running back, or was he just a byproduct of a system designed for some running back to put up incredible numbers, while playing behind two of the greatest offensive lineman of all-time? Maybe we are wrong. Maybe we haven't given this guy he's due. He seems like a great person as well. You know what, let's stand up and cheer for Shaun Alexander. Let's tell him-
Lynch lifts up his right leg and pounds it into the ground so hard that the ground quakes ten times harder than it did against the New Orleans Saints. He creates a crack in the Earth's surface that travels straight from Lynch's foot to directly under Alexander. A hole opens up in the ground and Alexander falls straight down into nothingness. "Please give to my foundation to help the kiiiiiidds" he says with his final breath.
The crowd goes wild, chanting "Beast Mode! Beast Mode! Beast Mode!"
Russell Wilson versus Dan McGwire
McGwire once stood taller than any man before him, and was set to be the savior of a land that desperately needed a hero. Instead he has stood as one of our history's greatest disappointments. In steps the feeble-sized Wilson, not simply a "mere man" but half the man of a mere man, man.
Their battle would surely be short and sour. A brutal destruction of Wilson, to be sure. 'Twas only a matter of covering yourself in enough garments as to not soil yourself in Wilson's blood, such as being at a showing of The Great Ser Gallagher.
But to our surprise and McGwire's dismay, Wilson, a good four meters shorter than the Giant, slung an object towards his forehead that struck with such great force, that it punctured his brain and caused him to fall forward onto his face. Dead. 'Twould be Wilson who was the new King of our Promised Land.
A young boy went to retrieve the object that had struck and killed the beast and gave it back to Wilson. "Here you go, King. You dropped this." And he handed it back to it's rightful owner.
The young boy began to walk away, until he heard the new King shout back to him, "Hey kid!"
He turned around and now saw the object flying back towards him. He dare not drop a gift from the king, so he scrambled to catch it, and was as relieved as he had been in his whole life when he secured it in his little mits. "But sir, your-"
"You keep it, kid. I'll go get some more."
The young boy looked down to see what was in his hands. 'Twas a ring. And 'twas inscribed, "CHAMPIONS, 2014" with 48 diamonds, encrusted in it's frame.
And that young boy was... you!