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How can I enjoy football when I know that Russell Wilson isn't having sex?

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Contract negotiations? Not at a time like this.

Olivier Douliery/Getty Images

If you think that an ACL tear is bad, just wait until you hear this!

While speaking at The Rock Church in San Diego on Sunday, Russell Wilson, best known for dating Ciara, once sitting courtside at a basketball game with Jay-Z and Beyonce, and wearing a turtleneck, he isn't having sex with his girlfriend!

Say what?!

I mean, what is the point of playing in the NFL if you aren't going to have sex and what's the point of me writing all those fluff pieces about playing football if you're just gonna throw it all away? That would be like the HBO show 'Ballers' hiring writers to make it interesting; All we ask for is The Rock, some of that Entourage charm, and an occasional cameo from Steven Jackson, the most relevant football player of 2015.

When news broke that Wilson and Ciara were dating that's when I said, "Finally! A football piece worth my fucking time!" We all figured that at that point we'd have loads of material to write about in regards to the NFL. Things like baby names, where they were spotted last Friday night, and if we are lucky, a duet single featuring Jazze Pha. But if they aren't bumpin' and grindin' then why am I even following his side project with the Seattle Seahawks?

When I found out that Wilson would be speaking at a church on Sunday with a live stream, I was thinking exactly what the rest of us were thinking: "Okay, now this is what it's all about. This is the sports I grew up with. And the stuff that he says here -- this spiritual guidance from a professional (football player) -- should be in the news tomorrow. We need to be talking about it."

Except I had no idea he'd be saying that he's remaining abstinent because God told him that was the right thing to do. I was especially shocked that he said it at church. Of all the places ... Keep it in the locker room, bro.

There is no word on when Ciara and Wilson will be having sex, but when it happens, let's hope a live stream of the even preempts something less important, like a football game.

That's not what NFL news is about.

Order of importance in terms of SPORTS news:

1. Who you're having sex with

2. Beats or BOSE?

3. Who you're wearing

4. Did you see Ballers last night?

5. Endorsements

6. Arrests

7. Suspensions for PEDs or arrests

8. Contract negotiations

9. Is there off-field tension between players because of who they're having sex with?

10. Press conferences

11. Did you at least see the Entourage movie?

12. Sports games, unless Ballers is on