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Misery loves football: The NFL tries to move past one of the worst weeks ever

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Ray Carlin-USA TODAY Sports

The Seattle Seahawks are 0-2. If you're a Seahawks fan or just straight up a member of the Seahawks, that's not good. However, "good" and "bad" are all relative, aren't they? Especially in sports.

I mean, compared to 500 college quarterbacks chosen at random, Johnny Manziel is good. But in the context that matters, Johnny Manziel is bad. Probably.

There are all kinds of 0-2. In fact, is it possible that the team that had the worst week isn't even 0-2? And isn't even 1-1? Seattle had a bad week and is sitting at 0-2, but I think the majority of people paying attention would say that they're sitting prettier than any other winless team. The talent is there and the schedule is easing the f^%@ up for at least a week or two.

This was the craziest week in the NFL I've seen in quite some time. It seems like more teams are actually having bad weeks than good weeks. Which doesn't seem mathematically possible, but here we are. I present to you now 11 teams that are having horrible weeks, in order of horribleast to horriblmost.

The Miami Dolphins (1-1)

Lost to the Jaguars. What else is there to say? Dion Jordan was suspended for the season. Branden Albert is doubtful this week. Cameron Wake, Lamar Miller, and Jordan Cameron are questionable. Kenny Stills and DeVante Parker have combined for four catches, 23 yards. Blake Bortles' first career game with a passer rating over 100, first time he had two touchdowns and no interceptions. Allen Robinson had 155 yards, his first game over 90 yards. 30th in rushing yards. One team sack.

The San Francisco 49ers (1-1)

The offseason they had. The worst defensive performance of Week 2. Ben Roethlisberger was nearly perfect against them. Antonio Brown had 195 yards. DeAngelo Williams scored three touchdowns. DeAngelo Williams had scored three touchdowns total over his previous two seasons. Carlos Hyde and Reggie Bush are currently listed as questionable for Week 3. They go to Arizona this week, then play the Packers in Week 4. Allowing 10.2 Y/A.

Baltimore Ravens (0-2)

Blew a lead to the Oakland Raiders. 37 points is the most the Raiders have scored since December 19, 2010. Terrell Suggs tore his Achilles. Joe Flacco isn't getting any better. Not that the team did him any favors by going with Kamar Aiken and Marlon Brown next to Steve Smith.

The New York Giants (0-2)

They blew 10-point fourth quarter leads in both games. Eli Manning doesn't understand points. They've given up 719 passing yards in two games. Rashad Jennings is averaging 2.9 YPC. Preston Parker has dropped five passes and he's only been thrown to 11 times. No receiver or tight end besides Odell Beckham, Jr has more than 50 yards. Victor Cruz and Jason Pierre-Paul are still out. Jason Pierre-Paul. Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie is questionable with a concussion. Their leading tackler is named Uani Unga. I just thought that was interesting.

The Houston Texans (0-2)

Came into this season assuming the knocks would be easier than they were last season, when they went 9-7. Named Brian Hoyer the starter, saying the leash wouldn't be short. Benched him midway through Week 1. Named Ryan Mallett the starter. Mallett threw 58 passes against the Panthers in Week 2, for 4.2 yards per attempt, one touchdown, one interception, 57 QB rating. Jadeveon Clowney still doesn't have a career sack. Arian Foster would be a surprise to return this week. Duane Brown is questionable with a thumb injury. Chris Polk is averaging 3.2 yards per carry. Nate Washington has dropped three of 17 targets.

The Chicago Bears (0-2)

Welcome to Jimmy World. Please note that Jimmy's World is a lot like going on a date with Kenneth Arthur: Show up, go through the motions, and accept that nobody is going to score. His teams are 1-17 when Jimmy Clausen plays in the game. He didn't throw his second career touchdown until his 234th attempt. Jay Cutler is out at least a couple of weeks. Aaron Rodgers and Carson Palmer combined to put up seven touchdowns, one interception, and a rating of 128.0 against the Bears. Alshon Jeffery is questionable for Week 3. They've given up an NFL-high 79 points. Their top three wide receivers would be Eddie Royal, Marquess Wilson, and Josh Bellamy. That'll make a Panthers fan say "Damn." Bellamy has one career catch. Wilson has 22 in three years. Starting CBs Kyle Fuller and Alan Ball have allowed a passer rating of 145.8 and 146.1, respectively. Top pick Kevin White could be out for the season. No sacks yet as a team.

The Detroit Lions (0-2)

Matthew Stafford is questionable with a ribs injury. The backup is Dan Orlovsky. I don't know how Orlovsky does it. Stay in the league this long that is. He must bring the bombest treats to meetings. His last start was 2011 when the Colts went 2-14. The only other time he started some games was in 2008 with the Lions. They went 0-16. Teams are 2-30 in seasons when they've had to ask Orlovsky to start. Joique Bell is averaging 1.6 yards per carry. Golden Tate and Calvin Johnson are averaging 10.4 and 10.2 YPC, respectively. DeAndre Levy hasn't played yet and is questionable for Week 3. QBs have a passer rating of 108.1 against them. DT Tyrunn Walker has already missed three tackles. Didn't they have some DTs last year?

The Indianapolis Colts (0-2)

This week, the Colts lost to the Jets 20-7. It was a loss at home. Playing against two really good pass defenses so far (Bills, Week 1 loss was 27-14), Andrew Luck has thrown five interceptions and lost one fumble. Against the Indy defense, Tyrod Taylor and Ryan Fitzpatrick have gone 36-of-53, 68%, 8.28 Y/A, 3 TD, 1 INT. Their top corner, Vontae Davis, left with a concussion. Dwayne Allen, potentially their best tight end, left with an ankle injury. Free agent signee Andre Johnson has caught seven of 16 targets for 51 yards, 7.28 YPC, 3.18 yards per target. Free agent signee Frank Gore has run the ball 23 times for 88 yards. One sack as a team. NFL-high eight turnovers. They've scored on only three of 22 drives, which is 13.6% scoring drives. Much worse than 31st-place: The Browns at 23.8%.

The Philadelphia Eagles (0-2)

Byron Maxwell was given a $63 million deal and so far is allowing a perfect 153.8 passer rating on 19 passes thrown towards him. DeMarco Murray was given $40 million and is having the worst start to a season by a running back in NFL history. Sam Bradford has the worst QBR in the NFL. Six of Murray's 21 carries have lost two or more yards. Kiko Alonso sprained his ACL. Zach Ertz has caught only six of 15 targets. Three of those targets were intercepted. There was still five minutes left in the third quarter when Brandon Weeden came in. They still couldn't come back. Weeden was 7-of-7 for 73 yards and a touchdown, and they didn't have Dez Bryant. No wide receiver other than Jordan Matthews has more than 40 yards. Mychal Kendricks is questionable with a hamstring injury.

The New Orleans Saints (0-2)

If Drew Brees misses the entire season, the good news is that the Saints will get the number one overall pick next year. Luke McCown could now do ads for Starter jackets. That Jairus Byrd signing has really worked out -- four games played so far. Traded Kenny Stills for Dannell Ellerbe, who hasn't played yet. Free agent signee C.J. Spiller has three carries for seven yards. Mark Ingram is averaging 3.1 YPC. Jameis Winston had a poor game against the Titans, then posted a rating of 114.6 against the Saints this week. Allowing a passer rating of 119.5 through two games.

The Dallas Cowboys (2-0)

How does a 2-0 team wind up here? Jerry Jones should have invested in the offensive line! Tony Romo is out eight weeks. Or more. Dez Bryant's timeline to return could be 12 weeks. Or less, according to Bryant. But if they are 3-8 or something, they'll probably just wait until everyone is fully healed. How many games can they win with Weeden throwing to Terrance Williams, Cole Beasley and Devin Street? They are 27th in YPC. Randy Gregory has a high ankle sprain. Greg Hardy is out for two more games. So is Rolando McClain. Cowboys had the highest stakes to lose in this group, outside of maybe the Colts, and have two wins. Those two wins are like being a billionaire but you're on a deserted island and the rescue team is Brandon Weeden in a dingy and he's 36 nautical miles away with a storm'a'brewin'.

You're stock options are worthless, bro.