Previously foretold on this season of Flower Rankings:
- Seahawks will travel to Arizona without losing (technically a true statement)
- A loss for the Vikings
- Giants enter the playoff picture
- Bills ascend to the elite rung of their conference
- Patriots gonna keep rolling to the #1 seed
All true. Well, except the Bills part because they secretly are the Lions of the AFC, destined to rupture the hearts of their true fans, and bewilder casual observers. Other false things were said but they are very hard to remember. Still to come true:
- A first win for the Browns
We’re working on it, okay?
Business out the way, quick: The rankings continue to be arranged by conference only. They continue to look four weeks ahead. Which takes us through Week 11.
UPDATE UPDATE: Now that the postseason has started to become a blurry shape on the horizon, I’ll nominate the six playoff teams from each conference and rank them in order of their chance to reach — not win — the Super Bowl. Nobody can forecast the Super Bowl.
Each team’s blurb might be briefer than usual. There was a lot going on Sunday night and Monday, so over time, I got tied up. (Yes, that’s a sick-sick joke.)
AFC
The Best
The elite. The contenders. The crème de la crème. The possibly Superb.
1. PATRIOTS (8-2)
Now 6-1, at Bills, Bye, vs. Seahawks, at 49ers
No XLIX revenge for the Hawks. NE coming off a bye, Tom Brady’s passer rating is 159.4, so maybe a close game, but no cigar except Jacson’s.
2. BRONCOS (8-2)
Now 5-2, vs. Chargers, at Raiders, at Saints, Bye
Called four wins last week for Denver but afraid I’m going to have to cut it down to three. Take the under for the Broncos-Raiders game. Trust me.
The Bourgeoisie
Playoff level teams whose station in life is comfortable enough. But they’re unlikely to rule the empire anytime soon.
3. CHIEFS (7-3), up three
Now 4-2, at Colts, vs. Jaguars, at Panthers, vs. Buccaneers
The Chiefs are 14-2 in their last 16 regular-season games. Over the past 52 weeks, nobody has won more games than Alex Smith. Just imagine if he had a strong running game to lean on or a good defense to back him up?
(This is your official opening to pine for Spencer Ware.)
4. RAIDERS (7-3), no change
Now 5-2, vs. Broncos, Bye, vs. Texans
Two out of three ain’t bad. Of course, if they Bills their trip to Florida, it could get ugly real fast.
5. BILLS (6-4), down two
Now 4-3, vs. Patriots, at Seahawks, Bye, at Bengals
Might’ve royally fucked up their season with that loss to the Dolphins. Still foreseeing a win vs. the Patriots and another in Cincinnati, but it’s just as possible they lose out until Nov. 27 when the Jaguars visit.
I’m not high on any AFC team except the Patriots. Right now I would take them against “The Field” to represent the conference in the Super Bowl.
The Blinded by Parity
Because they’ve been deluded into thinking that 2016 could be their year.
6. RAVENS (5-5), down one
Now 3-4, Bye, vs. Steelers, vs. Browns, at Cowboys
Consecutive home losses to the Giants, then the Jets, have people wondering out loud again whether Chad Pennington is an elite quarterback. Or someone.
7. TITANS (5-6), up one
Now 3-4, vs. Jaguars, at Chargers, vs. Packers, at Colts
I’m done believing in the stupid Titans. Forget them. Forget the stupid Titans. Danny, this is your fault for telling me they'd be interesting. They are the opposite of interesting. They are teresting.
8. TEXANS (5-5), up one
Now 4-3, vs. Lions, Bye, at Jaguars, at Raiders
Last week: “Houston got so much momentum from that cray Sunday night comeback that they’ll lose their next three games by single digits instead of double.”
Incorrect, Flower Rankings writer. The Texans did not lose by single digits, but by 18 in Denver, capitalizing on that sweet, sweet momentum juice to register three whole field goals. Brock Osweiler completed one pass longer than 10 yards last night. He now boasts a 5.8 Y/A and a passer rating south of 75.
Nobody is suggesting that Tim Tebow would improve Houston’s quarterback room. That’s still a couple weeks away from the ESPN.com front page.
9. STEELERS (5-6), down two
Now 4-3, Bye, at Ravens, vs. Cowboys, at Browns
Literally everyone can keep up with the Landry Jones.
10. DOLPHINS (5-5), up one
Now 3-4, Bye, vs. Jets, at Chargers, at Rams
Winners of two straight entering the bye? Close losses in Seattle and New England? Might the Dolphins be unterrible? The AFC could use an unterrible team or two.
11. CHARGERS (5-5), up one
Now 3-4, at Broncos, vs. Titans, vs. Dolphins, Bye
Fourth-best team in the AFC West, but they’d be running away with the AFC South. Then again, so would 24 other NFL squads.
The Beggars
All they’ll be choosing high in, is the 2017 draft.
12. BENGALS (3-7), down two
Now 3-4, vs. Skins, Bye, at Giants, vs. Bills
Marvin Lewis has 10 winning seasons with the Bengals against just three losing ones. He’s taken them to the playoffs the last five years. He will be fired at the end of the season. Not during the bye. Riiight?
13. COLTS (4-6), no change
Now 3-4, vs. Chiefs, at Packers, Bye, vs. Titans
Hard to imagine why things are going so poorly when they have a GM of the Year in the front office and a Hall of Famer under center. Could be the dome.
14. JAGUARS (3-8), no change
Now 2-5, at Titans, at Chiefs, vs. Texans, at Lions
Three road games in the next four. Probably feels to the Jaguars like there’s always three road games in the next four.
15. JETS (2-8), no change
Now 2-5, at Browns, at Dolphins, vs. Rams, Bye
Entering Week 7, the Jets had lost their last four regular-season games by a combined 74 points.
To find regular-season losses totaling 74 points for the Seattle Seahawks, you have to add the deficit from all 13 of their losses from the present day back to October 6, 2013.
So of course, the Jets came through against the Ravens, screwing their draft position just in time to collapse against the winless...
16. BROWNS (1-10), no change
Now 0-7, vs. Jets, vs. Cowboys, at Ravens, vs. Steelers
In fact, the Browns have four out of the next five at home before their late bye. The one they’ll win is the first. Might be the only.
There’s a World Series game that evening in Chicago. Game 5. Will this Sunday be when the Browns set an attendance record — but the wrong kind?
NFC
The Best
The elite. The contenders. The crème de la crème. The possibly Superb.
1. COWBOYS (9-1), up two
vs. Eagles, at Browns, at Steelers, vs. Ravens
Four more weeks until Dak Prescott turns into a pumpkin. A pumpkin pie. On Thanksgiving. At home against a division rival. Until then? Wins.
2. VIKINGS (8-2), down one
Now 5-1, at Bears, vs. Lions, at Redskns, vs. Cardinals
From last week’s rankings: “Sam Bradford has thrown no interceptions and only one fumble has fallen to the opposition. In five games! You want to know what the Vikings aren’t going to do? Finish the season with 38 takeaways and 3 giveaways. That’s the pace they’re on. Yeah no, an ugly game or two will surface eventually, and they’ll lose those.”
Minnesota turned it over on its first three possessions vs. Philly. Including an ugly end zone pick by Bradford. Who was hit on every other play.
If anything close to last night’s Cardinals defense shows up in Week 11, the Vikings will fall from this perch they’ve held all season.
3. SEAHAWKS (7-2-1), down one
Now 4-1-1, at Saints, vs. Bills, at Patriots, vs. Eagles
Should’ve tied the Super Bowl instead.
The Bourgeoisie
Playoff level teams whose station in life is comfortable. But they’re unlikely to rule the empire anytime soon.
4. GIANTS (7-3), up two
Now 4-3, Bye, vs. Eagles, vs. Bengals, vs. Bears
I hear New York is stunning this time of year. Who would want to leave it?
5. FALCONS (6-4), down one
Now 4-3, vs. Packers, at Bucs, at Eagles, Bye
The Packers will be good or bad; so will the Eagles, as the Falcons continue their inevitable crash course toward the 4 seed.
6. PACKERS (6-4), down three
Now 4-2, at Falcons, vs. Colts, at Titans, at Redskins
Your weekly Aaron Rodgers update: He threw the ball 56 times for 326 yards last week. His Y/A this year sits 1.6 below his career average. His ANY/A is down 1.33. Something is broken in that offense. Fans of the Seahawks should watch a couple complete Packers games, for context. And for a cautionary tale, even.
The Blinded by Parity
Because they’ve been deluded into thinking that 2016 is their year.
7. CARDINALS (4-5-1), no change
Now 3-3-1, at Panthers, Bye, vs. Niners, at Vikings
No need to take a chip shot at the Cards. Their defense is legit. Their kicking game might need a hand (that’s your cue Bobby). Their offense will go as far as David Johnson will carry them. Could be far.
I don’t like them to win either road game, though. Minny? Ehhhh there's a chance. Let's see how the next couple weeks go first.
8. RAMS (5-5), no change
Now 3-4, Bye, vs. Panthers, at Jets, vs. Dolphins
“No change.” The unofficial slogan of Jeff Fisher’s 79ers.
9. LIONS (5-5), up two
Now 4-3, at Texans, at Vikings, Bye, vs. Jaguars
They’re not going to go win at Minnesota. They’re not going to go win at Minnesota! But it’s a division game. But it’s a division game!
(Also hey right now don’t look too closely, it’s rude to stare, but the Lions are in the playoff picture.)
10. REDSKNS (5-5), down one
Now 4-3, at Bengals, Bye, vs. Vikings, vs. Packers
Skins have Chargers’ Disease. They’re the fourth-best team in their division, but are strangely watchable and would be in the hunt everywhere else.
11. EAGLES (4-6), down one
Now 4-2, at Cowboys, at Giants, vs. Falcons, at Seahawks
With that upcoming schedule, they needed a win in Minnesota. And the Vikings needed to be brought back to reality. Speaking of reality, though, Eagles...
I dare you to find any power rankings that dislike the Eagles more than my pretty flowers.
12. PANTHERS (4-6), no change
Now 1-5, vs. Cardinals, at Rams, vs. Chiefs, vs. Saints
Last week’s rankings: “Ron Rivera is already working on his 2017 Coach of the Year acceptance speech.”
Actually that won’t be necessary because the Panthers are not a 3-13 team. But I wanted to get the jab in once more.
13. BUCCANEERS (5-5), no change
Now 3-3, vs. Raiders, vs. Falcons, vs. Bears, at Chiefs
You know how the Colts are gonna be the worst 4-6 team? The Bucs are gonna be the worst 5-5 team.
The Beggars
All they’ll be choosing high in, is the 2017 draft.
14. SAINTS (3-7), no change
Now 2-4, vs. Seahawks, at 49ers, vs. Broncos, at Panthers
Good time for the Hawks to draw an inept defense. NO GUYS DO NOT LITERALLY DRAW THEM IT IS A FIGURE OF SPEECH
15. BEARS (1-9), no change
Now 1-6, vs. Vikings, Bye, at Bucs, at Giants
I would watch several innings of the Browns-Bears, but not sure how many quarters of football.
16. 49ERS (1-9), down two
Now 1-6, Bye, vs. Saints, at Cardinals, at Dolphins
Niners might be done winning games for the season, unless they can pull one out against the Saints or Jets.
NEW FEATURES:
Projected AFC Seeds
(1) Patriots, (2) Broncos, (3) Ravens, (4) Texans, (5) Chiefs, (6) Bills
Projected NFC Seeds
(1) Cowboys, (2) Seahawks, (3) Vikings, (4) Falcons, (5) Giants, (6) Packers
Ranked by chance to reach Super Bowl LI
- Patriots
- Seahawks
- Cowboys
- Vikings
- Broncos
- Falcons
- Chiefs
- Ravens
- Bills
- Packers
- Giants
- Texans