God, I am bored.
Antoine Bethea (pronounced close to Buffay)
I should be at the gym right now.
Erik Kramer (There is also a George Kramer and a Jerry Kramer)
Chris Clemons (Well, his nickname should be "Uncle Leo")
"Crazy" Joe Danelo (I added the "Crazy" part)
I could have done something else with my life. If only I had paid more attention in school, maybe I could have become a dentist. They seem to have pretty good lives and if they aren't that good, then at least I know I've read they have the highest suicide rate of all professions, which means I would have had an easy out.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Tom Ricketts / Jared Crick
Artemis Robinson (still in college, why the fuck do I care about following "rules" for this bullshit nonsense March article)
Charlie Kendall's mom
Mack Strong's mom
I know some people are going to respond that there were some "better" names I could have given. "Better"? This list doesn't mean a fucking thing.
Letroy Guion (Nickname is "Baloo" probably from the cartoon, like what the fuck, how could this count?)
(I'm not sure about "Don Karnage" but how the fuck has an NFL player named DON not taken this opportunity?)
The Wildcat Formation
Jim "Mad Dog" Mandich
Najeh Davenport (Nicknamed "Dump Truck" as well as "Dookie." Remember, this is the dude who fucking shit in a hamper.)
I don't know who Kit Cloudkicker would be, with the exception of my firstborn son or daughter.
"Kit Cloudkicker could be Jon KITNA!" said someone in the comments. I'm spending 6 hours of my worthless life looking for NFL names that kinda resemble characters from stupid fucking TV shows that for the most part have been off the air for over a decade. You think I don't know that there's a "Kit" in "Kitna"?
Coach John Fox
Coach Hayden Fry
The real life fuckin' Dauber, I don't know.
Okay, well, that's been this. I'm gonna go swipe right on Tinder a bunch and get two matches and then decide to message neither of them because my standards are too high for a person who spent half of their free time on a Wednesday matching TV characters to NFL players.