2016 NFL Mock Draft: Final edition!

It's been a long draft season once again it seems and finally it's almost over. Yes, as I write this without any prior knowledge as to what will happen in the 2016 draft, I am locking in my final guesses as to which teams will pick which players and when. I've decided to include trades, as well as random real life situations having nothing to do with the actual picks and sometimes not even the draft.

Go ahead and tear me apart in the comments! The following is just my opinion!

1. LA Rams - Jared Goff, QB, Cal

There's no doubt about it, in my mind. They traded up for a quarterback and they'll choose Goff over Wentz.

2. Philadelphia Eagles - Carson Wentz, QB, ND State

I disagree with the move here for a million reasons, but I bet you they take Wentz and don't trade Sam Bradford. Not yet, at least!

3. San Diego Chargers - Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State

People will act surprised, but Bosa was the top prospect on the board not long ago. I bet they spend an hour talking to him the night before the draft and then select him over some players who are more highly-rated today.

4. Dallas Cowboys - Ezekiel Elliott, RB, Ohio State

This pick sucks ... for them. And I'm not guessing all of these picks for the 2016 NFL Draft based on what I'd do, but what the team will do. They could try and get lucky on defense and target Jaylon Smith in round two. At least he might be back in 2017!

5. Jacksonville Jaguars - Jalen Ramsey, DB, Florida State

What a steal! I contemplated between Ramsey and Myles Jack here for a long time, but decided that Jack could fall further than people expect. (Maybe they can pick him up in the second! haha.)

6. Baltimore Ravens - Ronnie Stanley, OT, Notre Dame

He's not the highest rated tackle on my board, and maybe not even in my top four, but teams are enamored with this big boy. I would go Laremy Tunsil, but I have a feeling that something strange will happen just before the draft and Tunsil will begin to slide. I don't have any inside info to back that up, just a hunch.

7. San Francisco 49ers - DeForest Buckner, DE, Oregon

This is kind of a joke pick on my part. I don't actually think that the 49ers will draft Buckner, it's just a joke because they took a tall defensive end from Oregon in the first round last year! They're not gonna double down like that two years in a row.

8. Tennessee Titans - Jack Conklin, OT, Michigan State (TRADE!)

The first time that I'm guessing on a trade here, so please forgive me when this goes horribly wrong, but people are talking about the Titans wanting to move up and the Browns wanting to move down. So why not? I'm going with Conklin over Tunsil because I bet that what goes wrong is that someone hacks his Twitter account and posts a video of him smoking marijuana.

9. Chicago Bears - Leonard Floyd, LB, Georgia (TRADE!)

Fuck it, let's go all-in and predict another trade. There's no way this could go wrong, right? Haha. People are saying at this moment, as I'm writing this which is before the draft has happened, that Floyd is rising into the top 10. But the Bucs don't make as much sense for him as the Bears do, so that must mean a trade is happening. I don't even have a fucking clue what Chicago would have to give up to move up two spots, so don't even ask me. A fourth rounder, maybe?!?! Shit, if I were Tampa, I'd take that fourth rounder and run. Then I'd use that fourth round pick to move up into the second round for a kicker. Yeah, a kicker! Haha, this is so stupid, why aren't I taking this MOCK draft seriously?!?! Nobody's gonna draft a kicker in round two, let alone day two, let alone trade up for one. Stupid fucking Kenneth Arthur, back at it again with the dumb shit predictions.

10. New York Giants - Eli Apple, CB, Ohio State

Literally the only reason I'm doing this is because the Giants have ELI Manning and playing the big APPLE. Like that's how fucking dumb I am.

11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Vernon Hargreaves, CB, Miami (TRADED)

This is probably the first pick I'll get right since Wentz, god damn it. I don't know why I'm being so shitty to the Bucs though, giving them the most overrated corner in the draft, a kicker, and I don't fucking know who in the second round ... like maybe just some dumb kid who was downgraded for some serious off-field concerns? Who even cares at this point, mock drafts are never accurate after the top two.

12. New Orleans Saints - Sheldon Rankins, DT, Louisville

Saints need to get a defensive player and they get an amazing one here. They need to build up that shitty defense, so luckily they get Rankins and I'm sure they wouldn't do some dumbfuckery like drafting a receiver in round two.

13. Miami Dolphins - Laremy Tunsil, OT, Ole Miss

The slide ends! Tunsil falls from as high as number three to 13 based off of my GUESS that a video is posted to his Twitter account of him smoking weed just before the draft begins and that on his Instagram account there's mention of him accepting money from coaches. Also, if we're just fucking around here, I might as well add that he wasn't smoking out of an apple, beer can, pipe, or Michael Phelps' bong, but a gas mask that is traditionally only left to professionals. Professional weed smokers.

14. Oakland Raiders - Karl Joseph, S, West Virginia

A great pickup at safety here. Then they'll take Jihad Ward, Shilique Calhoun, trade up for Connor Cook on day three, DeAndre Washington, Corey James, and Vadal Alexander. I'm guessing. I've never heard of James or Alexander. What happened? I blacked out for a moment. Hmmmm, looks like I typed something while I was blacked out.

15. Cleveland Browns - Corey Coleman, WR, Baylor (TRADED)

Browns get the receiver they desperately needed here at 15. And at 114. And at 154. And at 172.

16. Detroit Lions - Taylor Decker, OT, Ohio State

I bet Disney's Jungle Book tops the Friday box office with $10.2 million, followed by Keanu at $3.4 million, tracking for a weekend box office take of $9.1 million. I think.

17. Atlanta Falcons - Keanu Neal, S, Florida

Shit, I think my brain is just making me put "Keanu Neal" because I just said Keanu. FUCK! Stupid brain.

18. Indianapolis Colts - Ryan Kelly, C, Alabama

This is another obvious choice, the Colts taking an overrated lineman, so what else can I predict? I predict that after the draft on Friday night I'll drink whiskey by myself at home while watching the Ricky Gervais comedy on Netflix that I haven't heard of yet as of this writing and messaging random girls on Tinder and falling asleep with the phone in my lap. I'll wake up on Saturday and regret everything. Mostly the Ricky Gervais movie.

19. Buffalo Bills - Shaq Lawson, DE, Clemson

I bet my interview with Lawson will drop on Rolling Stone this week and not enough people will read it. (Please just fucking click that link 10 times, I beg of you.)

20. New York Jets - Darron Lee, LB, Ohio State

I bet I'll make jokes about posting a mock draft after the first round and then double down on it on day three and then triple down by actually doing it. JK, I'm too lazy for that. I have a life, you know! JK, please see: pick 18.

Sidenote: How much do you hate it when you're waiting for someone to respond to you and they don't for hours or even days and then they say, "Look, I'm busy! I have a life!!!" and you're thinking to yourself, "Bitch, you and me both know that ain't true."? And I'm not saying "bitch" as in female but in the gender neutral term, I call my guy friends a bitch. I don't even text females, barely. They too "busy." Busy ignoring my busted ass which be writing fake mock draft articles on a Saturday.

PSYCH THIS AIN'T FAKE THIS POSTED BEFORE THE DRAFT!

21. Houston Texans - Will Fuller, WR, Notre Dame (TRADE!)

22. Washington Redskins - Josh Doctson, WR, TCU (TRADED)

Lol, I bet the Texans will give up a sixth rounder to move up one spot and Washington's gonna be like, "Uhh, ok?" and do it because they both want a receiver and only one has been taken so far. Lol.

23. Minnesota Vikings - Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss

I'm just gonna do three receivers in a row 'cause I'm a bored ass bitch and I don't want to look up any other players and I'm already looking at this list of wide receiver prospects.

24. Cincinnati Bengals - William Jackson III, CB, Houston

Jackson is a 6', 189-lb corner out of the AAC with blazing speed (4.37 led all corners at the combine) who has the length the Bengals are looking for at the position. After losing Terrance Newman in free agency. Cincinnati has shown no fear of drafting corners in the first round (Darqueze Dennard, Dre Kirkpatrick, Leon Hall) so why should they stop now when Jackson falls in their laps after being projected as high as the Raiders at 14? A solid pickup for the Bengals here and I predict that Jackson is starting for them as early as 2017.

25. Pittsburgh Steelers - Artie Burns, CB, Miami

DUH-DOYYY!!! I'M STUPID! Nobody could get picks right this late in a mock draft but I'm fucking around anyway and doing it as I write this before the draft.

26. Denver Broncos - Paxton Lynch, QB, Memphis (TRADE!)

This is something fairly easy to predict for being in the back third of the first round. Once Lynch fell past the Jets, it was only a matter of finding a good trade partner for Denver.. Knowing how much Seattle likes to do that in the first round, they give up a third round pick to move up just five spots because John Schneider is a baller. There is NO FUCKING WAY for me to predict who they will take with that pick, but it will be Nick Vannett.

27. Green Bay Packers - Kenny Clark, DT, UCLA

I just wanted to put someone in my mock draft that was named "Kenny" there's no other reason for this.

28. San Francisco 49ers - Josh Garnett, G, Stanford (TRADE!)

The two teams already have a trade history, so the 49ers move up for Garnett to solidify their offensive line. I die on October 23rd, 2031, while sitting alone in my bachelor apartment watching reruns of "Mostest Fullest House" in my VR pod. Decades of choosing beer and wings over a healthy lifestyle and finding a partner to share my life with finally catch up to me as the carotid artery finally says, "No, I give up. I can't take this anymore." My last VROD (which you know is a virtual reality video blog) to my final six remaining followers simply says, "Pursue life. Pursue happiness. Don't make the same mistakes that I did. Tomorrow is a new day for me though. I'm going to exit the pod, go down to California's last remaining natural park, and watch the sunrise. I'm going to eat a nutrition packet instead of another simulated sugar packet, both of which I am grateful for, thank you President Krog. Hail, Krog."

29. Arizona Cardinals - Robert Nkemdiche, DE, Ole Miss

Nice value get by Arizona here.

30. Carolina Panthers - Vernon Butler, DT, Louisiana Tech

Oof, snatched right out from under the Seahawks? Perhaps! We may never know but they like Butler so if the Panthers get him here, that could certainly change the course of action for Seattle. And honestly that's only if the Seahawks traded down exactly to 31, which I have no idea if they will, it's just a hunch I'm having BEFORE the draft. Either way, at least I can finally pick for the Seahawks, the one team I at least know the most about.

31. Seattle Seahawks - Jason Spriggs, OT, Indiana

Book it!