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Rage Mock: How the Seahawks can make you angry on Draft Day

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Examining what the Seattle front office can do with each pick next weekend to piss you off the most

WARNING: Heed these words, my friends. The front office of the Seattle Seahawks has been known to make picks over the past several years that many fans aren’t... well... a fan of. With this team’s track record, we are never safe from a good fit of draft day vexation. The objective of this piece is to look at each pick Seattle owns in the 2017 NFL Draft and figure out what they can do with it to piss you off to the nth degree. If you choose to continue reading, there is no telling to what extent these parodic words will invoke your wrath. Proceed at your own risk.

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We’re officially less than a week away from the 2017 NFL Draft! All of you draftniks out there need to sit down, take a deep breath, and comb your Mel Kiper-inspired hair. We’re about to take a look at the most likely decisions the Seattle Seahawks will make beginning next Thursday.

The full breakdown of picks that the Seahawks own follows as: 1.26, 2.58, 3.90, 3.102, 3.106, 6.210, and 7.226. Seven picks is generally less than we’re used to seeing, but with five picks in the first three rounds, the Seahawks have ammunition to do some serious damage next week.

How are they going to do so? You’re about to find out.

Round 1

TRADE ALERT: The Seattle Seahawks send Picks 1.26 and 3.106 to the Tennessee Titans for Pick 1.18

Selection: Cam Robinson - OT Alabama

Auburn v Alabama Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Seattle goes up to get their guy right off of the bat. Trading up from 1.26 to 1.18 only costs the team one of its third round picks. A steal for such a widely loved player!

With exceptional footwork (as seen in the photo above) and the Alabama pedigree, Robinson can step in from day one and be the turnstile the Seahawks love in a left tackle.

While Seattle hasn’t met with Robinson yet in the pre-draft process, it is all likely a cunning ruse to throw teams off of their love affair with the mammoth lineman.

Seahawks fans will be enthralled with this pick, as Tom Cable receives even more draft capital to work with.

Round 2

Selection: Davis Webb - QB California

Washington v California Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

The combination of recent developments regarding current backup quarterback Trevone Boykin and Russell Wilson’s injury issues leads John Schneider to make a baffling pick in the second round. Webb, who only played one year at Cal, has visited the Seahawks, per Ian Rapoport:

The team is likely taking a similar approach to the one the Patriots pioneered when they drafted Jimmy Garoppolo in the second round of the 2014 draft. They’ve won two Super Bowls since then. Coincidence? I think not.

Despite a franchise quarterback already entrenched atop the depth chart, Webb provides a hedge for the organization in case anything goes wrong again with Wilson. Also, if Webb is properly developed, he can be flipped for a first round pick down the road, as dependable quarterbacks are a valuable commodity in this day and age.

This almost makes too much sense, doesn’t it?

Round 3

Selection 1: Ethan Pocic - C LSU

NCAA Football:  Florida at Louisiana State Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

After drafting Joey Hunt in the sixth round of the 2016 NFL Draft and shifting Justin Britt to the center position in the same season, the Seahawks find their center of the future in Pocic.

While Britt has become an above-average option at the position, the team has never shown any indication that they value their homegrown linemen enough to resign them. The team will likely let him walk after 2017.

While Hunt saw some playing time in 2016, Pocic is the guy moving forward.

Selection 2: Zach Banner - OL USC

NCAA Football: Alabama vs Southern California Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Despite the indication that Seattle would go defense early and often during the 2017 Draft, they select for the fourth consecutive time on the offensive side of the ball with their second and final pick in the third round.

While they used two high picks on offensive lineman in 2016 and have already drafted Cam Robinson in this year’s draft, Tom Cable is the best offensive line coach in the NFL and more resources for him obviously means better production, right?

Banner can compete for a backup spot immediately and shoot down a cornucopia of buzz that he should go undrafted. If you have the draft capital, use it, folks. The Seahawks know this well and by golly they’re going to build a competent offensive line even if it’s the last thing they do.

Fourth Round

Trade Alert: The Seattle Seahawks send Richard Sherman and Pick 6.210 to the San Francisco 49ers for Pick 4.143

Selection: Treston Decoud - CB Oregon State

NCAA Football: Oregon State at Stanford Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

In the fourth round, Seattle finally addresses the defense, specifically the cornerback spot. After trading up two whole rounds by offering Richard Sherman to the 49ers, they draft Decoud to lock down one third of CenturyLink Field. Who cares if he’s ranked by many scouts as a seventh round or even undrafted player?

They need quality corners and they’re going to get one by any means necessary. If trading their perennial Pro Bowler gets it done, then who am I to judge?

Seventh Round

Selection: Damore’ea Stringfellow - WR Ole Miss

Fight Hunger Bowl - BYU v Washington Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images

Remember this guy? While Stringfellow attended the University of Washington in Seattle, he assaulted multiple Seahawks fans during the city’s Super Bowl XLVIII celebration. He then transferred to Ole Miss and the rest is history. Making this change of scenery takes grit and the Seahawks love gritty players.

Many thought that Seattle would use this pick to select Gabe Marks, a wide receiver from Washington State University, who still happened to be on the board at the time. They elected instead to pick Stringfellow, who will compete for a practice squad spot right away.

Draft Summary

1.18 - Cam Robinson, OT Alabama

2.58 - Davis Webb, QB California

3.90 - Ethan Pocic, C LSU

3.102 - Zach Banner, OL USC

4.143 - Treston Decoud, CB Oregon State

7.226 - Damore’ea Stringfellow, WR Ole Miss

I don’t know about you guys, but this looks like a pretty solid draft haul to me. After trading Richard Sherman to move up, they addressed the defense by way of the cornerback position. In such a great year for corners, Decoud is truly a great find in the fourth round.

With five out of six picks going towards offense, the Seahawks really quintupled down on the theory of “the best defense is a good offense,” in my opinion. Despite arguably the deepest and most athletic tight end draft in recent memory, Seattle decided to stick with what they’ve got - a dynamic corps consisting of Jimmy Graham and the electric duo of Luke Willson and Nick Vannett.

After such an impressive draft, the Seahawks will again head towards a second round playoff exit for the third consecutive year.

Go Hawkz!

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Alright, be real with me. On a scale from 1 to 10, how angry are you after reading that?

Poll

How angry are you after reading that?

This poll is closed

  • 7%
    1 - I am a bit peeved
    (83 votes)
  • 1%
    2 - Okay I’m a little more than peeved
    (21 votes)
  • 5%
    3 - Alright, to be honest, I’m pretty annoyed
    (64 votes)
  • 10%
    4 - This isn’t going to happen, right?
    (116 votes)
  • 6%
    5 - RIGHT?!
    (73 votes)
  • 12%
    6 - Mike, this was not nice
    (136 votes)
  • 17%
    7 - Holy shit this is all going to happen isn’t it?
    (199 votes)
  • 11%
    8 - I never knew I could feel so enraged by a parody article
    (123 votes)
  • 6%
    9 - I am SEETHING with rage right now
    (68 votes)
  • 20%
    10 - Mike, I hate you so damn much
    (227 votes)
1110 votes total Vote Now

I will accept all criticism if and (hopefully) when none of this happens. Especially the Sherman stuff. Sherm isn’t going to be traded.

That’ll do it from me. Check out our very own John Fraley’s actual mock draft coming soon on Field Gulls, as it will likely be a lot more reasonable than this one.

Just a reminder that, no matter what happens next weekend, the Seahawks are a very good football team with a very good front office in an overwhelmingly mediocre division. They will be fine.

For real this time, Go Hawks.