Best Super Bowl meals

Today the NFL blogs are banding together to ask an important question for Super Bowl Sunday: What are the best Super Bowl meals?

That was the question posed to me. Not “food” or “snacks” but meals. Well, what constitutes a “meal”? A Google search brings me this definition:

“Any of the regular occasions in a day when a reasonably large amount of food is eaten, such as breakfast, lunch, or dinner.”

The Super Bowl takes place in the afternoon as far as all the places I’ve lived are concerned (west coast), which slides it squarely between lunch and dinner -- but most people I know would just say that they ate before and during the game and no longer required a dinner once the game is over and the night is winding down. You’ve eaten too much. Slow down. Consider your appetite and come to terms with the fact that you’ve overeaten again; you’re a gluttonous mass that has given into excuses to “pig out” without justifying that there ever needs to be a reason to “pig out.”

I recommend starting with a large, filling breakfast, just as most days should begin. Heavy in protein with things like eggs, vegetables, and a light meat like turkey. Stay away from the toast, pancakes, and waffles, it’ll just slow you down and this is Super Bowl Sunday. You don’t want to starve yourself just to be hungry so you can make 3-4 trips to the snack table during the game. Give yourself an opportunity to make just one plate and to enjoy the game, while also saving room for a few beers; you’re a lush who can’t fill yourself with alcohol fast enough, so you might as well get a funnel to bypass the mouth area to avoid the taste of Bud Light entirely. The Patriots are in the Super Bowl again. Life is pain.

Stay near the veggie plate! Every Super Bowl party has at least one tray of veggies and you’d be doing your body nothing but a favor by reaching for broccoli at least three times as often as you reach for cheese and crackers. Dip into ranch at least half as often as you’d like to. Have at least four baby carrots for every Lil Smokie. Remember that nothing tastes as good as winning a Super Bowl feels; you’re a whore for psychological punishment and the Super Bowl feels empty ever since the last offensive play by a Seahawk took place there three years ago. New England has been back twice in the last three years and Seattle is dropping players and coaches from that team faster than you can shove Keebler Fudge Shoppe into your worthless fanhole. Is there hope behind the light when you die, or just emptiness?

Yes, allow yourself to have dessert, it’s a special occasion. As long as you recognize the value of special occasion eating — that you benefit from the treat to satisfy your sweet tooth, otherwise you’ll end up overcorrecting in the long run and become a full-time sugar sucker — then I’d encourage you to have a slice of pie or cake or ice cream once you’ve finished your meal and the game is over or winding down. Consider having half as many nachos or baby back ribs as a way to offset the calories from the dessert; you were there three years ago when everyone immediately bolted after the game, too depressed to eat any of the cheesecake that Marcus brought, but you weren’t too depressed. If anything, you leaned even harder into eating, unable to come to terms with the reality of the fact that there wouldn’t be a third down play. Game over. Eat. Eat and try to forget. But you can never forget. None of us can. Existence is such a cruel joke.

Overall though, I’d say wings. Wings are my favorite Super Bowl meal.