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The Drive: Russell Wilson’s Tool-Assisted Superplay

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NFL: Kansas City Chiefs at Seattle Seahawks Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

It is always depressing and deeply embittering to discover what seems like a great performance is in fact a great act of cheating. I believe the moldering bones of John Dryden said it best when they said:

“When I consider life, ‘tis all a cheat;

Yet, fool’d with hope, men favour the deceit;

Trust on, and think to-morrow will gainsay;

Russell Wilson’s tool-assisted super-play!”

So let us gainsay, let us all gainsay together as one big gainsaying bunch o’ gainsayers! Wilson’s deception must be exposed! For surely no mortal man could have made this pass.

The details which expose this fraud are both obvious and subtle.

Let us begin with some of the irregularities which preceded and perhaps foreshadowed Wilson’s hoax. In doing we will see just how far this conspiracy goes.

First consider this bizarre section of ESPN’s win probability graphic. You will see it contains seemingly-impossible foreknowledge of Wilson’s coming heroics. Consider the fact that Seattle’s win probability increased following Chris Carson’s run for a loss of two on first and ten.

Surely the algorithm was programmed to recognize the flash of Justin Britt’s 68 as he was bullied back by Derrick Nnadi as a signal that Wilson’s chicanery was imminent. How else can we explain Britt, a highly-paid veteran regularly praised by his teammates and coaches, being so clearly and demonstrably overpowered by a rookie?

We can’t. That the distinctive pattern of Britt’s 68 relayed a signal to an orbiting satellite which triggered or “turned on” Russell Wilson’s cybernetic enhancements is the only plausible explanation. And this, my friends, is but the tip of the iceberg!

Now let us look at the play in question.

Chiefs’ defensive coordinator Bob Sutton calls a play in which every defender is within five yards of the line of scrimmage. Facing the best deep passer in the NFL this is an indefensible decision. One might be tempted, maybe to satisfy that optimistic Pippa found in the souls of all sheeple, to explain Sutton’s decision as a natural reaction to Seattle’s tendency to run on first and second down. Further pointing out that the Seahawks had the lead with only three minutes remaining in the fourth quarter, and that running the ball, even if that run lost yards, would force Kansas City to call its timeouts, thereby functionally shortening the clock.

“Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem — neat, plausible, and wrong.” —Juvenal

We know now that running does not affect the success of passing, and that if rushing were outlawed by the League, that play-action passing would be equally if not more effective than it now is. Indeed the only possible conclusion we can draw from the above is that Sutton is a co-conspirator, a double agent selectively working against his team’s cause.

But enough of this prelude. Let us see the hopeful monster of servos, gizmos, fullerenes and augmented human cells the Draconians have crafted for our continuous blithe distraction from their parasitic machinations.

Here we see the throw begin. Hold on to your xxxxxx hat.

Let us first discuss those tentacle like appendages we may be tempted to call legs.

Neurons communicate at 432 kilometers per hour. To accomplish this they must cover themselves in cheese puffs and spin like a drunken dervish.

432 kilometers an hour might seem fast, but remember there are many thousands of kilometers in every mile. Were Wilson human and human only, it would be impossible for his mind to communicate with his legs and his legs to communicate with his mind in time to coordinate this feat of athleticism. Which is why QWOP is so fun and realistic. Instead through what is deviously referred to as “practice” Wilson’s “brain” is able to communicate an entire sequence of motions and seemingly faster than is possible. I bet.

Of course Wilson is not only executing flawless footwork in violation of all neuroscience and human capability, he is calculating a theoretical point of completion. This requires Wilson to know where Tyler Lockett, who is only 10 yards down field at the moment the ball leaves Wilson’s hand, will be an additional 30 yards down field.

Lockett, who is being bumped and hand-checked by Charvarius Ward, can not hope to run a route identical to one he ran in practice. Seemingly, Lockett can not hope to communicate to Wilson exactly how Ward’s interference has changed his route. Wilson therefore could not hope to throw to where Lockett would end up with such pinpoint accuracy.

This of course raises the specter of telepathy. But dear reader I tell you telepathy would not be enough!

With his massive hands Wilson must exert torque imparting spin which gyroscopically stabilizes the pass.

But would such stabilization allow a ball to traverse variable humidity and shifting winds in the lower troposphere?

Of course not. We’re dealing with straight up psychokinesis here, folks. As put forth by renowned evolutionary biologist and noted skeptic Richard Dawkins:

“... [A] paranormalist could really ... be the discoverer of a totally new principle unknown to physical science. The discoverer of the new energy field that links mind to mind in telepathy, or of the new fundamental force that moves objects around a table top, deserves a Nobel prize[.]”

Above we see indisputable proof of just that: a totally new principle unknown to physical science. Two players communicating though neither can speak to the other. A ball in flight guided not by ballistics but something far more eerie and uncanny. Yet stranger still is how that ball can even reach Lockett.

Does it not, as Zeno’s arrow, depend on an infinite regression? Does the ball not have to first go halfway before reaching Lockett, and after must it not go halfway of the remaining half, and halfway again and again ad infinitum!? And what is halfway when a projectile aims for a moving target? How can a ball traverse both an infinite series of halfways when it must also traverse infinite permutations of halfway!?!?

Now, you might be thinking that I am misrepresenting the ideas of Dawkins. You might also be thinking that Zeno’s paradox is really only a paradox of language, and proves little but the impossibility of capturing the complex and infinitely subtle nature of motion through words like “halfway” and “instant.” You might even think I’m a bit of a nutter, or that I’m pulling your leg, or that I’m high on drugs right this minute. Ha! The unthinking masses like to think! That’s what they do!

But answer me this, thinker: How could a human being throw a prolate spheroid made of leather in outdoor conditions to a hypothesized point 45 yards down field where one human being may catch it but another human being—so close the two’re touching—can not?

You can’t. No one can.