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In which I attack the Vikings resume

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Minnesota Vikings v Kansas City Chiefs Photo by Peter G. Aiken/Getty Images

The Seattle Seahawks host the Minnesota Vikings tonight and a win would put them in first place in the NFC West, second overall in the NFC. A victory puts the Seahawks that much closer to an all-important postseason bye week and it would come at such a welcome time.

At a time when Seattle was picked to finish in third or fourth place in the division.

At a time when the San Francisco 49ers are legitimately a top-3 team in the world.

At a time when the NFC is good and the AFC is vulnerable to attacks from Ryan Tannehill.

I’ve already written about all the things going in Seattle’s favor tonight, so it would be overkill for me to attack the Vikings resume for any reason. But I’m going to do it anyway. Why? Uh, content. Wait, I should say that with more enthusiasm.

Content!

You want to attack the Seahawks resume? That’s fine. That’s what the comments section is for. Specifically that one thing. It was in the fine print when you signed up to be a member: “Comment section is for attacking the Seahawks resume only, unless those attacks are on the author, in which case this is tangentially related to both author’s resume and the Seattle Seahawks.”

Let me go through this schedule resume of who the Vikings have played really quick, starting with last week.

-BYE

Minnesota didn’t even show up.

-27-23 over the Denver Broncos

Literally down 20-0 at halftime to Brandon Allen, figuratively down in the dumps.

Allen himself wasn’t sure which “QB Allen” he was. Not even when he looks in the mirror. To be fair, what soul on Earth could tell the difference between Josh, Kyle, and Brandon? (When will John Elway catch up to the rest of the league and get a Lamar, a Dak, or ... a Colin?) No, instead the Broncos blew a 20-point lead to a Kirk.

If Minnesota’s drive chart looks anything like this on Monday night ....

Then they’re going to be screwed because joke’s on you, Vikings: the Seahawks suck in the first half. The “20 point comeback” thing belongs to them.

Match. Point.

Woody?

-28-24 over the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football

Waiting all day for a Sunday night? Not if I have to watch pho king Dallas again. The franchise that is single-handedly destroying the reputation of DVOA (if not for the Eagles being ranked ninth and then getting blown out by the Dolphins (double-parenthetical, a one-point loss to Miami is considered a blowout)) had two fourth quarter opportunities in the Vikings red zone.

1st-and-Goal from the 6 turned into only 3 points.

2nd-and-2 from the 11 turned into 0 points.

Because of great defense? I wouldn’t say so. Dak ate more cap’n crunch than Zeke on those drives but then Garrett learned the facts of life the hard way and gave the ball to Zeke on those drives. Teams aren’t getting Jason Garrett fired, Plymouth Rock landed on him.

-26-23 loss to Chiefs

I was really hoping this would be a game started by Matt Moore.

And it was.

-19-9 over Washington

I haven’t written the name of the Washington football team in years. Because I’m a good person? No, because they’re the worst and most boring franchise to write about. I haven’t written the name of the Detroit football team either! (Because of Cecil.)

The Washington Garbage Pail Dads were only down a touchdown in the fourth quarter, and that’s despite inserting good professional football quarterback Dwayne Haskins in the second half when Case Keenum went into concussion protocol, marking his second appearance of the season after his 3-pick debut a month earlier.

Keenum was 12-of-16 for 130 yards in the first half. In one half of football — ONE HALF — Haskins was 3-of-5 for 33 yards and an interception. That’s a full game pace of “Do we have a shot at the number one pick?”

Needing to get the number one pick, Washington gave the ball back to Minnesota with 8:42 on the clock and the Vikings ran it 15 times, passed it 0 times, and ran off 8:16 of clock.

This qualifies as a meager win over the worst offense, which had gotten even worser at halftime, and then Bill Callahan auto parts said “Tommy* want wingy**.”

*Garbage Dads

**Chase Young

-42-30 over Detroit^

Think of the worst team in the NFL....

Now double it.

Did I just blow your mind?

Detroit won’t get the number one pick and they aren’t getting enough PR as the NFL’s worst team, but since Week 4, they’re 1-8, same as the Giants and Bengals.

In this game, they also led 14-7, it was 21-21 at halftime, and 35-30 after a failed 2-point conversion with about three minutes left. Both Stefon Diggs and Irv Smith fumbled in this game but the Vikings recovered both. The game was iced on a 66-yard pass to Stefon Diggs because Justin Coleman was too slow and Quandre Diggs was nowhere to be found.

Would you ever see Seattle employ DBs like those two?

Checkpoint. Match. Cecil.

-38-20 over the Eagles

For some reason I’m hearing the song “Send Me An Angel” by Real Life in my head, but the lyrics are changed to “You Lost To The Dolphins.”

There’s no real joke in here, this is just what’s in my head.

-28-10 over the Giants

Imagine getting to play the NFC East.

Daniel Jones’ third start. No Saquon Barkley.

Earlier this season I was in a trivia game where I would have won $1 million if I could name just two current players on the Giants defense and I could only think of one. Jason Pierre-Statham. I was banned from that particular saloon and went back to the future III.

Game. Check. Tannen.

-16-6 Loss to the Bears

Another game started by Matt Moore. Sorry I mean, Matt Trubisky. Sorry, I mean Trubisky threw three passes and then came on former Matt Moore Chase Daniel, who went 22-of-30 for 195 yards and a touchdown vs Minnesota. Allen Robinson caught 7 of 7 passes for 77 yards and then moved over to blackjack.

This game was 16-0 in the middle of the fourth quarter. The Bears then lost four straight. Chicago has only beaten Detroit twice and the Giants since this game. The only team with more then four wins that the Bears have beaten are the Vikings.

-34-14 over the Raiders

-L 21-16 to Packers

Wow, you lost to Green Bay, how original.

Minnesota had 15 drives in this game. Six ended on a punt. Two on interceptions. Two on fumbles. One on a missed FG. One on a made FG. Two touchdowns. And end of half. Green Bay won despite not scoring a point on any of their last 11 drives.

I don’t even know what my argument is here but the Vikings lost.

Call Kevin James cause I just came the boom.

-28-12 over Falcons

Hey Dan Quinn called. He wants his job back.

Matt Ryan was at his Finest in this game, and by that I mean he was like the Fine Bros. He sucked and he hasn’t been a relevant reference since 2016.

Point. Blank Check.

Waterslide in your backyard.

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Remember, if you’re not a childless adult wasting money for a subscription to a single Star Wars series, you’re not a Plusmaster. #PlusMaster #MatchellBillblasky #2WildAndCrazyGuys

It’s really interesting to think if I’m going to publish this.

Remember, don’t violate the rules, negative comments only.