Well, that happened.
The season is now over for the Seattle Seahawks, but the effusive Tyler Lockett had some inspiring words in his final words to the media. Lockett took to borrowing a microphone and doing his own interview with D.K. Metcalf and it was as chuckle-worthy as it was filled with optimism for the future.
Isn’t that just the perfect face of a 13-3 2020 season?
Fans are predictably falling anywhere along the spectrum from hope to despair. But Lockett got me feeling like focusing on next year already. Just trying to go 1-0 this week.
What follows is a prediction. Not for the 2020 roster, but for which members of this season will make it through to next season. There’s as many reasons to move on from a player as there are bad calls we could complain about from this year. Field Gulls already pointed out this week the overwhelming number of free agents this roster holds, and it means this team could look nearly identical or turnover a third of its athletes.
First, let’s set some rules:
- These predictions are more from a fan-perspective than anything else.
- They are not based on science.
- That is to say, we’re not not using science, but this is not a DVOA- or EPA-based approach, or based on PFF grades. We’re using strictly our gut-reaction, eyeball-tested, possibly scotch-aided emotionally-questionable intuition on this one. I’ve also crowdsourced a few of my picks, against my better judgment.
- Because every dictatorship needs rules, the descriptions are limited to 12 words in honor of the brevity that the people of Seattle embrace.
And now, for what will surely offend sensible football analysts:
Seattle Seahawks Team Roster
Ugo Amadi - Good for eight snaps per game and one wrecked punt returner. Keep.
Ziggy Ansah - That didn’t take long to get to the lols. See ya bye.
Cody Barton - Seems alright, will be good for when Bobby Wagner gets social security.
Nick Bellore - Fullbacks are fun.
Marquise Blair - 2022 winner of newly-invented Kam Chancellor award.
Duane Brown - We like him, he keeps Russell Wilson alive.
Jaron Brown - We like him less and so do the coaches. Gone.
Ben Burr-Kirven - He’s like the backup to Wagner’s backup? Cheap though.
Jadeveon Clowney - 63% of informed individuals think he will return.
L.J. Collier - ...................sigh. Heard Rasheem Green took a year to get better. Contractually obligated.
Michael Dickson - Hooray.
Quandre Diggs - Good deal, most obvious keep on defense.
George Fant - Five words: Heavy. Package. End zone threat.
Tre Flowers - Davante Adams demoralizing TD notwithstanding, mostly good. Keep.
D.J. Fluker - Wow he’s still pretty cheap. Keep’em
Poona Ford - Yes yes yes.
Kyle Fuller - Never heard of him. Cut.
Rasheem Green - 2019 sack leader. Gotta keep him.
Shaquem Griffin - Keep and PLAY HIM AT WHAT HE DOES BEST YOU COWARDS.
Shaquill Griffin - Sometimes great, sometimes average. Which was better than defense as a whole.
Phil Haynes - Will return, must improve to return past August.
Lano Hill - The lols are back. Gone.
Jacob Hollister - Jimmy Graham’s smaller, more attractive, cheaper, less good clone. Returns.
Travis Homer - Because we need five RBs to make it through a season.
Joey Hunt - Ideally, no. But probably cheap and now experienced so it’s likely.
Germain Ifedi - Words waited upon for four years: “Ifedi’s contract has expired.”
Mike Iupati - Pass.
Branden Jackson - Long shot.
Quinton Jefferson - Contract dependent.
Jamarco Jones - Hope he doesn’t suck since we just got rid of Iupati.
Mychal Kendricks - Will not be in jail. End of prediction.
Akeem King - Meh.
Tyler Lockett - Imagining injury-free season and already knowing Metcalf is good. Yummm.
Marshawn Lynch - Goosebumps. Take care of your chicken. Returns as RB / life coach.
Bradley McDougald - All the yes.
Russ will have TWO 1000 yard receivers next year— Tyler Alsin (@TylerjAlsin) December 31, 2019
Bryan Mone - Nah.
David Moore - He will be here and we will wonder why.
Jason Myers - $1.5 million goes guaranteed on March 22. Worth it?
Ryan Neal - If I wagered $5 if you knew offense / defense, I’d make money.
Tyler Ott - Someone’s gotta do it.
Jarran Reed - Post-PED Reed is not worth whatever this means
RESPECT is what it’s all about— jarran reed (@1j_reed) January 14, 2020
Jordan Roos - Not sure why he’s here this time.
Geno Smith - Probably not; probably his choice.
Tyrone Swoopes - He actually caught a pass this year right? Cut.
Robert Turbin - You’re not actually asking are you?
Malik Turner - Give him to the Rams. We’ll include cash.
John Ursua - Honestly could get beat out in camp by dozens of dudes.
Bobby Wagner - Yup.
Dekoda Watson - Now we’re just making up names.
Luke Willson - Dissly, Hollister, Willson > Dissly, Hollister, draft pick. But 30 and hurt. Won’t return.
Russell Wilson - More yup.
Al Woods - Moving on from everyone associated with PEDs, because integrity.
K.J. Wright - No guaranteed money. No guarantees in pass coverage. Could be emotional goodbye.
Jeremy Boykins - Pass.
Justin Britt - Bad salary if kept, tiny hit if cut. Still, no replacement in-house.
Chris Carson - Man needs to finish a full season for future guarantees. Now? Yesss.
Adam Choice - Why are we doing this?
Ed Dickson - Please no.
Will Dissly - Please yes.
Emmanuel Ellerbee - These next four a no from me, babe.
Justin Johnson - No.
Nazair Jones - You’ve broken my heart, Naz. No.
Demetrius Knox - Knox today.
Rashaad Penny - Lifetime ban on McDonalds. Please heal well. Yes!
Ethan Pocic - Might I interest you in a $1M center?
C.J. Prosise - We can safely pass on everyone from here down at this point.
Kalan Reed - ibid.
Jordan Simmons - ibid.
Tedric Thompson - He can also go to the Rams, and he can go now.
Neiko Thorpe - Would probably fight for a spot this summer; might not want to.
Reserve/Physically Unable to Perform
Demarcus Christmas - Legit forgot they picked him.
In summation, this author’s “most likely to return”:
Amadi, Barton, Bellore, Blair, Brown, BBK, Carson, Clowney, Collier, Dickson, Diggs, Fant, Flowers, Fluker, Ford, and Green. A break for readability. Continuing: A set of Griffins, Hollister, Homer, Hunt, Ifedi, Jones, Lockett, McDougald, Metcalf, Moore, Myers, Ott, Wagner, Wilson, Dissly, Penny, Pocic. (34)
Up for deliberation would then include:
Ifedi, Jefferson, Lynch, Britt, Thorpe, and hometown hero K.J. Wright. (6). And that’s only if Clowney’s price turns out pro-Seahawks.
I’m going to take an emotional stab that Jefferson, Carson, Thorpe and Wright will be gone.
Britt, Lynch, and Ifedi will return, and everyone will be pissed through another enjoyable season of John Gilbert defending Ifedi’s play against the masses.
Sacks are a QB stat. https://t.co/HkTNByw8mx— John P. Gilbert (@JohnPGilbertNFL) January 13, 2020
Coming up next, Seattle has six draft picks in the 2020 draft.
Therefore, after the 14 players that John Schneider selects in the 2020 draft are thrown in with 5-6 free agent signings, the Seahawks will be in the neighborhood 56-58 players most likely to make the team, plus whatever mysterious undrafted players (Ford) or rival midsummer trades (Hollister) are made.
Feels about right.
But then again, I can barely see my screen through the tears, so forgive me if it’s out of line. You many now rip this to pieces and let the offseason speculation begin.