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Jets over Rams,
Jets over Rams.
Jets over Rams!
You got this Jared Goff,
You got this Jared Goff.
You got this Jared Goff you studmuffin, you. Yes, you!
I’m doing literally everything I can, short of ordering a voodoo doll of Sean McVay on Amazon Prime and peppering it with syringes of —
hold on a sec everyone —
beep beep boop boop beep beep create account choose password first pet mother’s maiden name cvv expiration date confirm purchase —
Update: I’m doing literally everything I can, but maybe we’re better pinning our playoff positioning hopes on the team that didn’t just lose 40-3 to the Seahawks in a game that was not as close as the score indicated.
Go Chiefs? Yes. Our Chiefs.
Chiefs over Saints,
Chiefs over Saints.
Chiefs over Saints!
Wait! This one might actually happen! To the lineup of games, and your rooting instructions. Again, contests are not presented chronologically, but in order of FaIR Factor, a combination of feasibility, investment and realistic outcome.
KC @ NO, Sunday 1:25 p.m. Root for: Chiefs
Drew Brees is back in uniform and active after breaking 56 ribs (hi Cliff Avril!) earlier in the season. That should matter for New Orleans, as the veteran threw 18 TDs to three interceptions before sitting out, with a 110 passer rating and a HoF-esque ANY/A of 7.63. But it shouldn’t matter enough, because as great as Brees has been, it’s not as great at Mahomes and the one-loss Chiefs.
FaIR Factor: 8 for Feasibility and Investment, 9 for Result. 17/20
- - -
CAR @ GB, Saturday 5:15 p.m. Root for: Panthers, I mean, come on
Any hope the Seahawks have of securing the NFC’s top seed or the 2 seed depends on the Packers taking a loss somewhere. Why not today?
FaIR Factor: 4 for Feasibility and Investment, 9 for Result. 13/20
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TB @ ATL, Sunday 10 a.m. Root for: Falcons
Not only is it enjoyable to hope for Tom Brady to lose games, it’s useful! In the non-division winning scenario for Seattle, you’d want the 5 seed. Which is easier to achieve when teams like the 8-5 Bucs lose.
It’s not unrealistic to anticipate a Brady pick-six, something that now happens regularly. Those kinds of throws swing games.
FaIR Factor: 6 for Feasibility and Investment, 7 for Result. 13/20
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PHI @ ARI, Sunday 1:05 p.m. Root for: Eagles
Time to put the Cards on the edge of playoff position rather than the 7 seed they currently occupy at 7-6. While it’s plenty cool and prideful to picture the NFC West as the league’s top division, with three playoff teams and everything, it’s plenty cooler to not face Arizona in January. Tre Flowers more than handled DeAndre Hopkins the first time around, limiting him to a 5-51-0 line. I like Flowers more than most observers, quite a bit more, but even I wouldn’t count on that happening again.
FaIR Factor: 5 for Feasibility and Investment, 7 for Result. 12/20
- - -
CHI @ MIN, Sunday 10 a.m. Root for: Bears
In the still-probable event the Seahawks win the division, still would rather see the quarterback-purgatory Bears in the first round of the playoffs over the actually-quarterbacked Vikings. Chicago hosts Green Bay Week 17 too so it’s good if the Bears are fully in the playoff hunt and actually playing well enough to beat quality teams.
FaIR Factor: 6 for Feasibility, and Investment, 6 for Result. 12/20
- - -
SF @ DAL, Sunday 10 a.m. Root for: Cowboys
With all the injuries the 49ers have suffered — they’ve lost the most starter games of any team in the league — it’s getting harder to root against them. But again, the Cowboys are the least scary, to me, of all the NFC East teams, so it’s a true double-dip to root for them to re-enter the division race and watch the Niners lose. I mean, it’s better that San Fran is completely out of it by Week 17 vs. Seattle, resting starters instead of clinging to one last wild hope to sneak in at 8-8.
FaIR Factor: 8 for Feasibility and Investment, 4 for Result. 12/20
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NYJ @ LAR, Sunday 1:05 p.m. Root for: Jets, while laughing
Our Jets. As discussed above. This isn’t happening, but if it does, the payoff is huge, as it opens the door for the Seahawks to win the NFC West even with a Week 16 loss to the Rams.
FaIR Factor: 1 for Feasibility and Investment, 10 for Result. 11/20
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CLE @ NYG, Sunday 5:20 p.m. Root for: Browns
The Giants defense isn’t exactly what we want to see in the wild-card round, should it come to that. Rather visit the Eagles again, who haven’t beaten the Seahawks since... 2008? Realignment? The merger?
Ever?
FaIR Factor: 6 for Feasibility and Investment, 2 for Result. 8/20
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DET @ TEN, Sunday 10 a.m. Root for: Lions
Because the NFC is the superior conference, even when it isn’t.
FaIR Factor: 4 for Feasibility and Investment, 1 for Result. 5/20
That’ll do it, until Week 16, when shit gets real.
P.S.: As a reminder, the Panthers-Packers game is not just for Official Second-Tier Seahawks Conference Rivals bragging rights, but also on the same day as publication. Clear your schedules and root for 2016-2019 non-elite Aaron Rodgers to make a return appearance.