Overreaction Power Rankings, for which we gave thanks

It took three weeks in the illustrious three-week history of Overreaction Power Rankings for the 32 to beat the 1 head to head — proving that a system built on overreaction is the best of all systems. As long as the goal is chaos. And shouldn’t the goal always be chaos?

But enough about the Seahawks front office, amiright folks.

Sickness and a double shift at work and the holiday conspired to delay this column until the weirdest of timings, between Thanksgiving games and the usual Sunday. Everyone else publishes power rankings before Thursday night football. Then again, everyone else pretends their power rankings are legit, while we at the OPR committee proudly make the exact opposite claim.

So please heed the usual disclaimer: our rankings — AS IT SAYS IN THE HEADLINE — are based on overreaction, the common currency of sports fans everywhere. We don’t care about overall record, or roster holes, or archaic constructs like consistency; all that matters here is what a team has done the last couple weeks.

THE BOTTOM HALF, TEAMS 32-17

32. NYJ (2-8), down 1

If they weren’t the Jets, their future would be bright, with all those first-round picks coming in the spring. No need to document how the extra draft capital was acquired.

31. JAX (2-8), down 2

9-6 continues to fade to black.

Wins it seem, will fade away. Drifting further every day.

/guitar solo

30. ATL (4-6), down 7

Shoutout instead to the Woodinville Falcons, who score points, and are really good!

29. NYG (3-7), down 10

Their primetime game against the Chiefs was like that dream where you get to school and realize you forgot to put on pants, underwear, or both, or anything at all. Only it happened to the Giants in front of 50 million people, and wasn’t a dream. You know that dream. Everyone knows that dream.

28. NO (5-6), down 2

Don’t ask me to explain the Saints. That would Taysom kind of patience.

27. PIT (5-4-1), no change

The best thing that’s happened to the Steelers recently is tying the Lions. When the best thing that happens to you recently is tying the Lions, you need more best things happening to you.

First fun fact: The Steelers defense was docked for -20.68 EPA against the Chargers. In all previous games combined, they’d only accounted for -14.01 EPA. Yes, they made more negative plays in a single game than they’d made all year. Yes, they were a touchdown worse in Week 11 than Weeks 1-10 combined.

26. DET (0-10-1), up 4

It’s true they lost, twice since we last met, but twice they could’ve won, a case can be made they should’ve won, which is enough to overreact to, and frankly they’re orders of magnitude more watchable than numbers 27-32. Maybe even more than number 25?

25. SEA (3-7), down 1

They were supposed to lose to the Cardinals anyway.

Pay no attention to the man under center. Either man. That was Russell Wilson in red and Colt McCoy in blue, right? The stat sheet says it was.

24. HOU (2-8), up 8

Look, the Seahawks couldn’t beat the Titans, and the Texans could. Ergo, HOU > SEA. End of argument. Everyone feel free to find a nice little corner where it’s safe to sob.

23. CHI (4-7), up 1

Bearly relevant now that Justin Fields is nicked up.

22. LV (6-5), up 6

Riding three straight losses, by a combined 53 points, into Dallas on Turkey Day, surely the Raiders were going to see the season continue to blow up in their face?

(I didn’t make that.)

Instead, they furnished the only decent Thanksgiving game, and maybe turned a corner, and was that Marcus Mariota scoring a touchdown on the keeper, go home NFL, you’re hung over.

21. CAR (5-6), down 7

I miss our annual Hawks-Panthers meetings and playoff tilts. I miss the memes.

20. DEN (5-5), up 1, BYE

19. CIN (6-4), up 1

18. SF (5-5), up 4

And people dared to question Jimmy Garoppolo as the QBOTF.

17. LAR (7-3), down 2, BYE

Frauds haven’t won since Halloween.

THE TOP HALF, 16-1

16. MIA (4-7), up 2

Two-game winning streak! The OPR committee loves those.

15. WFT (4-6), up 1

Remember when they were the sleeper D/ST pick in fantasy? They’re starting to live up to that billing. Just in time to meet the

***checks upcoming schedule***

ah fuck.

14. PHI (5-6), up 1

I have a “What’s the Frequency Jalen” joke but it Hertz to tell.

13. DAL (7-4), down 7

You scored nine points against the Chiefs. Like, the whole game. Shame on you. Then you lost to the Raiders at home. Tell us the truth: Are you the 90’s Seahawks?

12. TEN (8-3), down 11

Ok, so they lost, at home, to the Texans, unforgivably, but then recovered by signing free agent Golden Tate, who tweeted this:

Golden, go back in time and never leave.

11. GB (8-3), down 8

Demon on right shoulder: post the tweet

Angel on left shoulder: don’t post the tweet

Angels suck.

10. CLE (6-5), no change

9. BUF (7-4), down 7

Bills spent the week looking up at the Patriots in the AFC East standings, as this column predicted in its maiden voyage, then defeated the Dr. Jekyll Saints to leapfrog back into first again. Why did the Seahawks have to face the Mr. Hyde version?

8. MIN (5-5), up 3

Dispatched the Packers and Chargers in consecutive weeks. Is anybody better than the Vikings right now? Yes, almost assuredly.

7. IND (6-5), up 6

Latest team to expose the Bills earns handsome power rankings reward.

6. LAC (6-4), up 6

The Chargers should simply score 41 points every week; it’s kind of embarrassing they didn’t think of this until now.

5. KC (7-4), up 4

Whatever.

4. BAL (7-3), up 4

What are injuries, even?

3. NE (7-4), up 1

Second fun fact: Pete Carroll has won a division title more recently than Bill Belichick, and has won a playoff game more recently than BB as well (Pats went one-and-done in 2019). The Hoodie has a very clear chance to make amends on both counts this season, in case that motivates you to root for, or against, the Patriots the rest of the way.

2. TB (7-3), up 5

Super Bowl favorites once again? If they keep hurdling teams like Tom Brady hurdles defensive linemen who forgot how to walk, then yes.

Also that’s a red card in soccer, you dirty old man.

1. ARI (9-2), up 4

Their B team offense is pretty competent, a sign of a very well coached team. When Kyler Murray gets back they’re gonna romp.

I wonder what Colt McCoy will want inscribed on his statue outside Lumen Field.