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unPower Rankings, Week 7: The Secret Life of Walter Mocky

A double-dose of NFL SEO today.

Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

After six weeks the landscape of the NFL playoffs are still very much up for grabs, but the "who's who?" of the top 10 of next year's draft are really starting to take shape. There are some pretty awful teams this year and the race for who will pick first should be pretty interesting.

The Jaguars are the worst team but the Buccaneers probably play a tougher schedule. The Raiders have as much football talent as I have in my little pinky (I don't have any in my whole body, FYI) but Rams football is Rams football.

Meanwhile the race to the top of the Google results for "NFL Mock Draft" have long been dominated by a little site known as We are all pretty familiar with this because of how it's long dominated one of the most popular NFL searches for years and because it's there, it's there. It doesn't matter if it's good or not, it only matters that we all know it. And that's good for "Walter" because the mock drafts are not good.

It's fun to start looking ahead to next year (especially for the sinking Seahawks, am I KJ Wright?) so let's mix in Walter's latest 2015 Mock Draft (it's a week old as of this writing) as we count up the charts.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-6)

Last week: 1

Walter's pick: Leaonard Williams, DE, USC

Walter says of the Jaguars defensive line, "they haven't come close to meeting expectations" after signing Chris Clemons and Red Bryant in the offseason. While it's certainly justifiable to draft Williams for this team, Jacksonville is tied for second in the NFL in sacks, with 19.

They'd also be passing on bigger needs like WR, CB, FS, OT, TE ... The Jags are scoring 13.5 points per game and allowing a passer rating of 109.7, so I find it unlikely that they'd take Williams in the top two unless options at those other positions truly exhaust themselves. Even quarterback is a possibility if there's a new head coach.

2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-5)

Last week: 5

Walter's pick: Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State

Walter says Winson has "Johnny Manziel-type character issues." and all of a sudden I feel bad for Johnny Manziel? While Manziel could be a giant douchebag, I don't recall his "character issues" at Texas A&M involving an alleged sexual assault. Even if Winston is completely innocent of any sexual assault, we're only talking about the actual character concerns here, and Winston's far surpass Manziel's at this point. The issues that we are all pretty certain about -- stealing, shouting "fuck her right in the pussy" at school -- along with what's alleged, including a new incident involving autographs, are enough to have some people asking Winston to leave the team or have the team leave him.

Slightly worse stuff than "haha, I make cash motions when we score."

3. Oakland Raiders (0-5)

Last week: 2

Walter's pick: Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon

"If the Raiders are picking first, they will take Mariota. No question about it."

Bold definitive statements = attention. Walter comps Derek Carr to Jimmy Clausen as an example of why the Raiders will take Mariota if they can and drop Carr. Clausen started 10 games and had three touchdowns with a passer rating of 58.4. Carr has started five games and has eight touchdowns with a rating of 81.8.

I guess Oakland could take Mariota, but there's absolutely a question about it.

4. St. Louis Rams (1-4)

Last week: 3

Walter's pick: Connor Cook, QB, Michigan State

People in the comments sometimes say I'm way too hard on the Rams. That they aren't this bad. Last night was a perfect example: The Rams are going to find a way to be this bad no matter what.

5. New York Jets (1-5)

Last week: 7

Walter's pick: Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama

An interesting transition over the next few months could be the firings of Rex Ryan in New York and Mike Smith in Atlanta, two guys that had immediate success and have now just fallen apart. Will they quickly pick up new jobs as head coaches based on their experience, or maybe go to a college because they can't work for someone else again?

The Jets are allowing a league-worst 7.2% TD percentage on pass attempts and Dee Milliner is out for the year, so wide receiver seems lower on the priorities at this point.

6. Minnesota Vikings (2-4)

Last week: 6

Walter's pick: Dante Fowler, DE, Florida

7. Washington Redskins (1-5)

Last week: 9

Walter's pick: Andrus Peat, OT, Stanford

There just appear to be about 8-10 really shitty teams and then the rest of the league could be very close in proximity to one another, which could explain the odd shifts, week-to-week. The Redskins have problems in so many areas that are not tackle that it's astounding that Walter could end up here.

8. Tennessee Titans (2-4)

Last week: 4

Walter's pick: Randy Gregory, DE/OLB, Nebraska

9. Atlanta Falcons (2-4)

Last week: 14

Walter's pick: Markus Golden, DE/OLB, Missouri

10. Miami Dolphins (2-3)

Last week: 8

Walter's pick: Landon Collins, S, Alabama

Kind of a spooky, erie October moment: As I am writing this, I get a notification on my phone that Knowshon Moreno has torn his ACL. It seems like Ryan or Smith could end up in Miami after their head coaching position becomes available.

11. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-3)

Last week: 18

Walter's pick: Ifo Ekpre-Olomu

The good news is that if he becomes really good at the NFL level, saying and writing "Ifo Ekpre-Olomu" will eventually become second nature. Like Nnamdi Asommaufdghgd sorry he's not good anymore so I've pushed that out of my brain to make room for Massachusetts.

12. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3)

Last week: 16

Walter's pick: Sammie Coates, WR, Auburn

Sometimes I have thoughts like, "I wish Knile Davis's last name was "Sendaffney" so it would be like his name was Niles and Daphne."

13. Buffalo Bills (3-3)

Last week: 11

Walter's pick: (Traded 2015 1st for Sammy Watkins)

I wanna get hyphey on the Bills, but I mean, Kyle Orton was a choice. Not something that was forced upon them.

14. Chicago Bears (3-3)

Last week: 12

Walter's pick: PJ Williams, CB, Florida State

15. New York Giants (4-2)

Last week: 13

Walter's pick: Shilique Calhoun, DE/OLB, Michigan State

16New Orleans Saints (2-3)

Last week: 15

Walter's pick: Ronald Darby, CB, Florida State

17. Cleveland Browns (3-2)

Last Week: 10

Walter's picks: Cedric Ogbuhei, OT, Texas A&M and Vic Beasley, DE/OLB, Clemson

Now get hyphey. The team that picked up Buffalo's first rounder is rallying behind Brian Hoyer. Their two losses are by a combined five points. They get Josh Gordon back after five more games. Their next three games are Jaguars, Raiders, Buccaneers. For once maybe looking ahead to the draft isn't something Cleveland has to do in October.

18. Houston Texans (3-3)

Last week: 19

Walter's pick: Shawn Oakman, DE/OLB, Baylor

Jadeveon Clowney should be back soon and have one of the worst passing offenses in the NFL, but good trolling, Walter.

19. Carolina Panthers (3-2-1)

Last week: 24

Walter's pick: Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia

If this is going to be a reverse draft order in any way, then I had to make some tough cuts in the NFC. Some bad AFC teams are going to make the playoffs, some great NFC teams won't, and I'm sure someone somewhere will bitch about how their shouldn't even be conferences. Also, the Panthers drafting a running back in the first round? I couldn't be more frustrated than if I was detective John Kimble.

20. Philadelphia Eagles (5-1)

Last week: 25

Walter's pick: Jaelen Strong, WR, Arizona State

Surprisingly, almost every team below Philly has an equal or close-to-equal record as the Eagles. It's just a fact that once you break down division winners and wild cards, only so many teams can make it. Which is exactly how Roger Goodell is going to justify more playoff teams that aren't necessary next year.

21. Baltimore Ravens (4-2)

Last week: 17

Walter's pick: Melvin Gordon, RB, Wisconsin

Running backs rarely go in the first round anymore, and I'm not sure if that's going to change unless a team has a real luxury to do so. Walter goes the easiest route possible here: "The only thing I know about the Baltimore Ravens was that Ray Rice was naughty, so it's going to be an Arby, right? dadoydoydoy."

22. Arizona Cardinals (4-1)

Last week: 26

Walter's pick: Leonard Floyd, DE/OLB, Georgia

23. Indianapolis Colts (4-2)

Last week: 20

Walter's pick: Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State

I just don't see the Colts passing on a quarterback here.

24. Detroit Lions (4-2)

Last week: 21

Walter's pick: La'El Collins, OT, LSU

This is still the number one defense in the NFL.

25. New England Patriots (4-2)

Last week: 27

Walter's pick: Brandon Scherff, OT/OG, Iowa

26. San Francisco 49ers (4-2)

Last week: 29

Walter's pick: Alex Carter, CB, Stanford

What percentage of this mock selection has to do with Jim Harbaugh's connection to Stanford, which is relatively meaningless?

27. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1-1)

Last week: 30

Walter's pick: Hroniss Grasu, C, Oregon

28. Dallas Cowboys (5-1)

Last week: 22

Walter's pick: Mario Edwards, DT, Florida State

I'm still not really that sold on Dallas, but I just couldn't handle CryFest '99 if I hadn't given them a significant bump. I was close to putting them where the Eagles are.

Also, that Florida State team is pretty good, eh?

29. San Diego Chargers (5-1)

Last week: 28

Walter's pick: TJ Yeldon, RB, Alabama

They did beat Seattle, but how they're stacking themselves up in the stats with Philip Rivers as the MVP and the defense notching elite numbers, is against some of the league's worst teams. They play Denver in two weeks.

Also, another running back. You're a damn idiot.

Last week: 23

Walter's pick: Eric Kendricks, ILB, UCLA

If the Packers and Cowboys meet in the playoffs, no matter where they're playing, are you honestly picking Tony Romo over Aaron Rodgers?

31. Seattle Seahawks (3-2)

Last week: 32

Walter's pick: Devin Funchess, TE, Michigan

The fact that they're banged up could be their downfall but I'm not going to drop the team that's been number one in DVOA for the last two years because of a loss to a team that everyone is now calling "elite" because they beat this team. Isn't that a bit contradictory? And would things really be that different if they had stopped Dallas on third-and-20? If they don't beat up St. Louis and I come back next week without a significant punishment for the Seahawks, then you can come at me. For now, I'm just not that worried, frankly.

32. Denver Broncos (4-1)

Last week: 31

Walter's pick: Denzel Perryman, ILB, Miami

Denzel Washington.

Washington monument.

The Monuments Men.

Matt Damon.

Damon Wayans.

The Wayans brothers.

The Manning brothers.

Peyton Manning, Denver Broncos.

This logic is just as sound as whatever logic "Walter" uses for his mock drafts every week, just so you know.