I'm literally Guy Fieri and I'm filling in for Kenneth Arthur today. Here are my original hot-and-fresh kickin' spicy bang bang wookie chookie unPower Rankings for Week 6.
1. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-5)
Last week: 1
We're here in Jacksonville, Florida where the Jags don't bite but my "4th degree gator poppers" sure do.
2. Oakland Raiders (0-4)
Last week: 2
We're here in Oakland, California where my blackened-silver salmon isn't the only thing being fired.
3. St. Louis Rams (1-3)
Last week: 3
We're here in St. Louis, Missouri where my flavortown garbage french fry platter is coming back up your gullet but not quite all the way out the top.
4. Tennessee Titans (1-4)
Last week: 4
We're here in Nashville, Tennessee where my five alarm baby back ribs will cause you to choke.
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-4)
Last week: 5
We're here in Tampa Bay, Florida where my chipotle chili nachos will force you to make extra time to shit the bed.
6. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)
Last week: 6
We're here in Minneapolis, Minnesota where it's so cold that the only thing harder than Guy Fieri's rockin' spike-doo is my nipples.
7. New York Jets (1-4)
Last week: 7
We're not here in New York City, New York, it's kind of weird, actually.
8. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
Last week: 8
We're here in Miami, Florida where eating this authentic Cubano sandwich is better than literally anything else to do here in Miami, Florida.
9. Washington Redskins (1-4)
Last week: 9
We're here in Washington, DC where Abe-BRAH-ham Lincoln and George Wash-updog-not-much-dog-wash-upwithyou-ington are my true four fathers! You ever wonder why they call 'em "four fathers" when there's more than four of these hombres? My name is Guy Fieri.
10. Cleveland Browns (2-2)
Last Week: 10
We're here in Cleveland, Ohio where the little crimson kickers with buffalo dipping sauce actually aren't that bad.
11. Buffalo Bills (3-2)
Last week: 11
We're here in Buffalo, New York where the six-ways sizzlin' sweet and spicy wings are so money that I might have to come back in January and get some more of this for the first time in 15 years.
12. Chicago Bears (2-3)
Last week: 15
We're here in Chicago, Illinois where defense is suddenly the wurst.
13. New York Giants (3-2)
Last week: 12
We're still not in New York City, which totally blows because I love salsa!
14. Atlanta Falcons (2-3)
Last week: 17
We're here in Atlanta, Georgia where Guy Fieri's dirty chicken wings are literally just covered in dirt.
15. New Orleans Saints (2-3)
Last week: 13
Flavortown can make a comeback but you can't make me forget that Flavortown has a turnover differential of -8, I might be Guy Fieri having a stroke.
16. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3)
Last week: 19
We're here in Kansas City, Missouri, home of Guy's Pork Pulling Challenge and we also eat BBQ sometimes.
17. Baltimore Ravens (3-2)
Last week: 14
We're here in Baltimore, Maryland where the crab cakes are flavornomenal and the Joe's are Flaccotastic, by which I mean stay away from the Joe's.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)
Last week: 18
We're here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where a close win over the worst team might indicate that things aren't as good as they seem. Sort of like some of Guy's least favorite restaurants on Yelp: "4.5 stars on 230 reviews?! Nice we should go- oh wait, it's another vegan restaurant. Damn vegans five-starring every single place they eat."
19. Houston Texans (3-2)
Last week: 23
We're here in Houston, Texas where my oil-fried steak blasters are dipped in real, authentic, piping-hot oil that was culled from the ground not five minutes ago. You can't eat them, you will literally die. (Or are they just 'to die for"???) (No, you will die. I've lost three cousins this way, by forcing them to try my steak blasters. RIP Brady, Kyle, and Cooz. I miss you most of all Cooz. That's why I've got "R.I.P. Coz" tatted on my left forearm. People always try to step to me and ask "Did Bill Cosby die?" and it's like, nah brah, it's for my cousin Cooz (one love) but I demanded a 80-point font and we started to run out of room. Who's Bill Cosby?")
20. Indianapolis Colts (3-2)
Last week: 20
We're here in Indianapolis, Indiana where triple-d triple-decker oinkin' clucker sandwich is a fancy way of saying "club sandwich" and if you buy into it being "amazing" just because of the name, you're a big flippin' idiot. It's literally a club sandwich.
21. Detroit Lions (3-2)
Last week: 22
We're here in Detroit, Michigan where a win over Kyle Orton is too much to ask for but tell 'em Guy sent you and at least they'll give you a half-priced app like quesadilla rollers or flip-flop fried zucchini. (It's really just a half-portion.)
22. Dallas Cowboys (4-1)
Last week: 16
We're here in Dallas, Texas where you can rope a horse until the cows come home but come January you'll have to shoot that horse and separate the cattle for it's flesh because it won't be necessary anymore and you better stock up for another long winter.
Last week: 21
We're here in Green Bay, Wisconsin my Original Motz Sticks are as hot and creamy as a pass from Aaron Rodgers to Jordy Nelson. Just remember that if you only ate a Motz when it was cold you'd say "hey that motz wasn't nearly as good as advertised" but as long as you only eat it up when it's running hot, you'll never complain. You'll say, "Yeah Guy, those Motz Sticks are off the hook, brother."
24. Carolina Panthers (3-2)
Last week: 25
We're here in Carolina, North Carolina.
25. Philadelphia Eagles (4-1)
Last week: 27
We're here in Philadelphia, PA where the cheesesteak didn't experience full meltdown but it wasn't for lack of trying.
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-1)
Last week: 29
We're here in Phoenix, Arizona where the rattlesnack bites are made with reeeallll rattlesnakes! And in fact we didn't even cook 'em or even kill 'em. And you actually don't bite them. I'm murdering you with a rattlesnake, Susan.
27. New England Patriots (3-2)
Last week: 26
We're here in Boston, New England, Massachusetts of Anaheim.
28. San Diego Chargers (4-1)
Last week: 24
We're here in San Diego, California where my surf'n'turf platter is served on a bed of real sand and fake grass. The food itself is literally rocks, you can't eat this shit for real.
29. San Francisco 49ers (3-2)
Last week: 28
We're here in San Francisco, California where ... didn't I already do the Bay Area? Phil, I can't do multiple catchphrases for every GODDAMN AREA OF THE UNITED STATES, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO THE F#!^ I AM? I'M GUY MOTHERF!#^ING FIERI, GODDAMNIT!
30. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1)
Last week: 30
We're here in Cincinnati, Ohio where the only "sin sin" I'll natty is all the bad things I do after my 18th tallboy of Natty Light, am I Guy Fier-right?
31. Denver Broncos (3-1)
Last week: 31
We're here in Denver, Colorado where I took my second wife Montana for my honeymoon but the only thing "buckin'" that night were the Broncos on TV and the live chicken that I killed in front of her in a bloody, ritual sacrifice to ensure the everlasting love between us we divorced eight days later hi I'm guy fieri.
32. Seattle Seahawks (3-1)
Last week: 32
And finally, triple-D lands in the P-N-W where if you don't like our Per-seafood platter, go ahead and send it back and we'll make it again. And again. And again. Your food is now biologically made up of more of my spit than it is seafood.
I'm Guy Fieri.