This is sort of like "Shark Week" for me. I interviewed Mark Cuban, the outspoken owner of the Dallas Mavericks, and that should be coming out on RollingStone dot com soon, but sadly I did not want to take up too much of his time and have him do my unPower Rankings.
But I can improvise.
Here is what happens when all 32 teams enter the Shark Tank:
1. Oakland Raiders (0-8)
Last week: 1
Sharks, I'm looking for $100 million in exchange for 97% of my team. Not the actual stake in the team, please just take away all of our players except for Khalil Mack and Derek Carr.
2. New York Jets (1-8)
Last week: 2
Sharks, we're offering you's $5 million to make Rex Ryan disappear.
Robert Herjavek, son of an immigrant factory worker: Do you mean you want us to ... kill him?
OHH!! W'ohhh! Marone!! Nobody said "kill" we never said da word "kill."
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-7)
Last week: 3
Sharks, we're looking for any explanation at all as to how we beat the Steelers this year.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-8)
Last week: 4
Sharks, I'm looking for $2 million for 2% of my team. In fact in the last 10 years, we've done over $350 in revenue. Not $350 million. $350.
5. Atlanta Falcons (2-6)
Last week: 5
Sharks, I'm looking for $100 million for 20% of my team. We've got a star quarterback-
Mr Wonderful: Now let me stop you right there. There's nothing proprietary about a QB approaching 30 that has one career playoff win. What's to stop me from starting my own team and getting TJ Yates?
6. Tennessee Titans (2-6)
Last week: 6
Sharks, we are the Tennessee Titans. We've got Jake Locker. We've got Shonn Greene. We've got Delanie Walker. This is an exciting business opportunity.
Mark Cuban: You're looking at this all wrong. You're focused on selling football.
What should we be selling?
Cuban: Sleep. Look around!
(the other Sharks are completely knocked out from hearing about the Titans)
Why aren't you sleeping?
Cuban: I. Mainline. 5-hour energy drinks.
7. St. Louis Rams (3-5)
Last week: 7
Sharks, we've beaten the 49ers and the Seahawks.
Mr Wonderful: Then why do I feel like the Oakland Raiders could still squash you like the cockroach that you are?
8. Chicago Bears (3-5)
Last week: 9
Sharks, we are the Bears and we are looking for $250,000,000 for 10% of our team.
Mr Wonderful: That's a valuation of $2.5 billion. Come on, Bears. What are your sales because you better blow me away.
Okay, we won the 1985 Super Bowl.
Daymond John: Guys, when I started FUBU, I didn't go around trying to live off of it's success for 30 years.
Cuban: Yeah, it's only been 15 years that you've been doing that.
9. Minnesota Vikings (4-5)
Last week: 8
Sharks, we believe we're a 14-2 team.
Barbara, she did something in real estate: You're actually not even close to a 14-2 team.
We've got the best rookie class in football. Teddy Bridgewater, Anthony Barr, Jerick McKinnon.
Cuban: Guys, guys, guys, guys. My BS meter is off the charts right now.
Mr Wonderful: What are you NUMBERS?
Bridgewater has three touchdowns.
And for that reason ... I'm out.
10. Washington Redskins (3-6)
Last week: 10
Sharks, I'm looking for $1 million for one percent of my team.
Barbara: I like you. I like Robert. I think you've got some great things going on here and I'd love to be in business with you but on one condition. I hate the name.
Mr Wonderful: I actually love the name.
11. New York Giants (3-5)
Last week: 11
Sharks, who hasn't dreamed of catching a pass from a two-time Super Bowl winner? At "Eli Manning throws an interception to every person in America" we guarantee that Eli Manning will throw an interception to every person in America. We've been in business for 11 years and already reach 19% of Americans.
Robert Herjavek: Can we see the product?
Sharks, he already has.
(Sharks look down and see that Manning has thrown an interception to each of them while the team was talking.)
12. Carolina Panthers (3-5-1)
Last week: 21
So come on Sharks, won't you CATCH *throws a football at Kelvin Benjamin and he drops it*
I said why don't you CATCH *throws a football at Jason Avant and he drops it*
CATCH *throws a football at Jerricho Cotchery and he drops it*
Won't you catch on with us?
13. Houston Texans (4-5)
Last week: 22
14. San Diego Chargers (5-4)
Last week: 19
*Shark Tank Update*
Since going on Shark Tank last month, things have actually been ... pretty terrible. We're officially shutting down.
15. Cleveland Browns (5-3)
Last Week: 14
Mr Wonderful: I'm only here to make *MON-EY* What are your numbers?
*Johnny Manziel rubs his fingers together twice*
Mr Wondeful: That's a valuation of $650,031,553.77. What are your sales?
*Manziel rubs his fingers together four time*
Mr Wonderful: Alright, I'll give you the $36,777,442.33 for 16.53% of your team with .5 percent royalties.
*Manziel rubs his fingers together three times and leaves*
Robert Herjavek: Kevin, I'm not 100% sure that guy knows how to read.
16. Buffalo Bills (5-3)
Last week: 15
Daymond: What are your projections for the rest of the year?
*Sharks exclaim in excitement*
Daymond: Wow. And where are you getting that projection.
We just, like, really think, like, maybe, ya know?
Daymond: And when was the last time you were above .500?
Nine.... Teen.... 99
Daymond: I'm out.
17. San Francisco 49ers (4-4)
Last week: 17
Sharks, I'm looking for $1 billion for 1% of my team.
Mr Wonderful: I'll give you the billion dollars, but I want 1.1% of the team.
Would you do 1.05%?
Mr Wonderful: You've just fumbled the ball at the one foot line. You're dead to me.
18. Baltimore Ravens (5-4)
Last week: 27
Sharks, we're looking for $120,600,000. What? Hmm, I didn't really think about it but I guess yeah, it is the same amount as Joe Flacco's contract.
19. Philadelphia Eagles (6-2)
Last week: 20
Sharks, what if I told you that Mark Sanchez-
20. Miami Dolphins (5-3)
Last week: 16
Sharks, we have arguably the number one pass defense in the NFL.
Barbara: When I watch football, I wanna see offense. I wanna see the balls fly deep down the field. What's your offense like?
We've got Cameron Wake, and he has 6.5 sacks!
Robert: Guys, offense, what's that like? Who's your quarterback?
Brent Grimes has four interceptions.
Mark Cuban: You're deflecting all questions about whether anyone would pay to see a Dolphins game and for that reason, I'm out.
Mark, if you-
Cuban: I'm out guys. Move on to someone else.
Sharks collectively: I'm out.
21. New Orleans Saints (4-4)
Last week: 12
Sharks, we're asking for $50,000 in exchange for hurting 100% of your enemies.
22. Kansas City Chiefs (5-3)
Last week: 18
Sharks, we have won five of our last six games, including a win over the Patriots.
Lori: Do you want to say anything else? Sell us on any other points?
23. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3)
Last week: 13
Sharks, I'm looking for $6 million in exchange for 6% of our team. Our QB has thrown six touchdowns in each of the last two games.
Cuban: Wow, great. And he's a pretty good guy? High character.
(hesitates for sixteen minutes)
Last week: 26
Lori: Look, I'm the queen of QVC and I think what we need to do is get A-
Aaron Rodgers: I'll do it.
25. Dallas Cowboys (6-3)
Last week: 29
Robert Herjavek, son of an immigrant factory worker: Guys in my first year of business, I'm all cocky and I project $4million in revenue for our first year. You know how much we did? $400,000. What makes you think that you're going to win the Super Bowl this year?
Two words: Brandon Weeden.
26. Indianapolis Colts (6-3)
Last week: 25
Mr Wonderful: I have an offer for you. I'll give you the $700,000 for 3 percent of your team but I want $2 for every pass attempt by Andrew Luck.
(Other Sharks grumble about how Mr. Wonderful just made a deal that's clearly heavily in favor thanks to the two dollar incentive, which is worth way more than $700,000.)
27. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2-1)
Last week: 23
Sharks, we're asking for $3 million.
Mr Wonderful: What do you need the money for?
(This joke is a little old for the Bengals, but do you have any idea how hard this article is to write? It's like writing a sitcom in four hours!)
28. Seattle Seahawks (5-3)
Last week: 28
Sharks, meet Paul Allen.
29. Arizona Cardinals (7-1)
Last week: 31
Sharks, I'm looking for $15 million in exchange for 4% of my team. We are in first place in the NFC.
Barbara: That's great. And that's pretty common for you guys? First place?
(hesitate for eighteen hours)
30. Denver Broncos (6-2)
Last week: 32
Sharks, let me introduce you to Peyton Manning, the greatest quarterback of all-time.
Robert Herjavek: That's quite the claim, what are his numbers?
This is the all-time leader in passing touchdowns and nobody raises an offense like him. He's the perfect mental and physical prototype for a QB. I think that speaks for itself.
Mr Wonderful: The only thing that speaks for itself is
money I mean Super Bowls and big games. He only won one of those, against Rex Grossman, and he finds himself losing big games over and over again.
Mr Wonderful: You're dead to me.
31. New England Patriots (7-2)
Last week: 30
Sharks, we promise not to blow a golden opportunity in the playoffs for the 10th time in the last 11 years.
Robert Herjavek: Do you pinky swear?
Can I have a moment outside with Tom Brady?
Robert H: Sure.
Robert Kraft shows Tom Brady how to pinky swear and Brady nods but unassuredly like he's still working through in his head what a pinky swear means. They go back into the Tank.
Robert, we pinky swear.
Robert H: Great!
The two Roberts pinky swear, and Brady places his thumb in the mix with a big smile.
32. Detroit Lions (6-2)
Last week: 24
Sharks, we have bought out a former investor in the team, Jim Schwartz, and we are ready to soar. So who wants to be the king of the jungle.
Cuban: I'll do it.
Mark, we'd love to deal with you. And for that reason, we're in.