No other NFL Power Rankings article on the planet has the balls to post on a Tuesday night!
Speaking of balls, a number of them have been used since Thursday to play sports games, specifically footballs. My sources say there were no less than 16, though Eli Manning was said to have thrown at least 25-30 into the stands as he was trying to complete a 5-yard slant to Victor Cruz.
As everyone else will tell you, it's important not to make too much out of one week of football. Anything can happen in any one game. Matt Flynn once had a better game than Joe Montana had in his entire career. Some teams lost, some teams won, some teams 1-0, others 0-1.
One fish, two fish, red fish, blue is the warmest color.
In that respect, I've not made any changes to the bottom of my unPower Rankings yet. It's a lot easier to say that a team is bad than it is to say a team isn't good. And if that's not true, it honestly sounds really profound at least. You think Peter King could make up something like that?? We know what players are talented, we know what players are Austin Davis. I think we know infinitely more about the Rams today than we did a couple weeks ago, but I'm not ready to say that Drew Brees or Tom Brady aren't capable of doing much better.
Here's another edition of arbitrariness.
1. St. Louis Rams (0-1)
Last week: 6
This week: Lost to Vikings, 34-6
Sure, I'm wrong here and there, but I've been insisting for longer than most people that the Rams are not on the upward swing that everyone seems to think they are. You don't win Super Bowls with fives and sixes, and St. Louis lacks impact players to take them to the next level. The injury to Sam Bradford was just a dealer-sealer. They better hope the next number one QB is legit.
Next week: at Bucs
2. Cleveland Browns (0-1)
Last Week: 1
This week: Lost to Steelers, 30-27
Losing by three only mirages the fact that they were once down 27-3 in this game. I kept thinking they should insert Johnny Manziel on a series or two just to keep the Steelers guessing. I think that's the future.
Next week: vs Saints
3. Oakland Raiders (0-1)
Last week: 2
This week: Lost to Jets, 19-14
This season on "So You Think You Can Play ... But It's Not The Preseason Anymore, Is It Derek Carr?"
Next week: vs Texans
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1)
Last week: 5
This week: Lost to Eagles, 34-17
5. Buffalo Bills (1-0)
Last week: 3
This week: Beat Bears, 23-20 (OT)
Miami had a much more impressive week, so in terms of shifting around the AFC East, I'm not gonna bump Buffalo just yet.
Next week: vs Dolphins
6. Washington Redskins (0-1)
Last week: 7
This week: Lost to Texans, 17-6
Look at it on the bright side: Both teams lost the RGIII trade!
Next week: vs Jags
7. Dallas Cowboys (0-1)
Last week: 10
This week: Lost to 49ers, 28-17
I wonder if Jerry Jones will be too distracted to fire Jason Garrett this season.
Next week: at Titans
9. Miami Dolphins (1-0)
Last week: 4
This week: Beat Patriots, 33-20
Do you remember the Dolphins starting 3-0 last year? Their defensive performance against the Patriots, while phenomenal, really isn't anything new. Brady has always played poorly against Miami and Miami has always failed to make it count.
Next week: at Bills
10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1)
Last week: 14
This week: Lost to Panthers 20-14
There's a lot of top 10 matchups in Week 2, and by top 10 I mean these teams suck.
Next week: vs Rams
11. Minnesota Vikings (1-0)
Last week: 9
This week: Beat Rams, 34-6
Hey, they looked pretty good after the worst team in the NFL gave up!
Next week: vs Patriots
12. Houston Texans (1-0)
Last week: 8
This week: Beat Redskins, 17-6
Houston pitched a second half shutout after Jadeveon Clowney already went to the locker room. They have an awespportunity (awesome opportunity) to start 2-0 with their cake schedule.
Next week: at Raiders
13. Tennessee Titans (1-0)
Last week: 12
This week: Beat Chiefs 26-10
I'd pick them for the playoffs if I had a guarantee that Jake Locker would play 16 games aka I'm not picking them for the playoffs yet.
Next week: vs Cowboys
14. New York Jets (1-0)
Last week: 13
This week: Beat Raiders, 19-14
The Jets telling you that they are 1-0 after beating the Raiders is like a friend telling you he won $20 at the casino and actually wanting you to congratulate him on it.
Next week: at Packers
15. Chicago Bears (0-1)
Last week: 19
This week: Lost to Bills, 23-20
Awesome passing game, zero defense. If the Bears played the Seahawks they'd lose by 30. They play San Francisco, so they'll only lose by 15.
Next week: at 49ers
16. San Diego Chargers (0-1)
Last week: 16
This week: Lost to Cardinals, 18-17
Awesome passing game, zero defense. Hell yeah!
Next week: vs Seahawks
17. Indianapolis Colts (0-1)
Last week: 21
This week: Lost to Broncos, 31-24
My constant mentions about Andrew Luck are only because he's not that great. That's all! Robert Mathis being out for the year gets them one step closer to a potential losing record.
Next week: vs Eagles on Monday
18. New York Giants (0-1)
Last week: 22
This week: Lost to Lions, 35-14
This may end up being my downfall, because I was stupid enough to believe in the Giants. Stupid enough to think they'd do what they always do, which is suck all year, then still make the playoffs, then ... oh my god.
Next week: vs Cardinals
19. Atlanta Falcons (1-0)
Last week: 11
This week: Beat Saints, 37-34 (OT)
For the first time in Matt Ryan's career, the Falcons actually do look like they could be special.
Next week: at Bengals
20. Detroit Lions (1-0)
Last week: 17
This week: Beat Giants, 35-14
I would much prefer the Lions be good than the Giants, anyway. This is a good sign.
Next week: at Panthers
21. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1)
Last week: 25
This week: Lost to Titans, 26-10
Should have went with my gut and dropped them in the early teens. Still ignoring my gut. Frankly, my gut has kept me from advancing in life or getting a date. I guess that's more of a "stomach, tummy, fat" issue than a "gut' issue.
Next week: at Broncos
22. Arizona Cardinals (1-0)
Last week: 18
This week: Beat Chargers 18-17
The defense doesn't seem to be lacking or missing anything at all compared to last season. That's somewhat concerning for Seattle and San Francisco fans. (St. Louis fans too focused on what Jameis Winston will look like in an LA Rams jersey.)
Next week: at Giants
23. Carolina Panthers (1-0)
Last week: 20
This week: Beat Bucs, 20-14
They had Derek Anderson facing Gerald McCoy and Lavonte David and they won. Fuck.
Next week: vs Lions
24. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)
Last week: 24
This week: Beat Jaguars, 34-17
It's worth wondering if Darren Sproles is as valuable to them as Percy Harvin is to Seattle.
Next week: at Colts, Monday
25. Cincinnati Bengals (1-0)
Last week: 23
This week: Beat Ravens, 23-16
They seem pretty screwed on offense if AJ Green doesn't score from 80 yards out every time.
Next week: vs Falcons
26. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0)
Last week: 26
This week: Beat Browns, 30-27
Like the Giants, another team I picked to have a resurgence. Like the Giants, not such a hot week. Unlike the Giants, still won. I would much prefer to see Cincy win the North, as much as I wanted to see the North beat the South back in 1863, but I'm not sold on that yet.
Next week: at Ravens, Thursday
27. New Orleans Saints (0-1)
Last week: 27
This week: Lost to Falcons, 37-34 (OT)
I expected Brandin Cooks to be good this year, but I didn't expect him to be such a heavy part of the offense so early. His presence was not felt in the second half however, and the Falcons came back to win it. But it's even more concerning that they added Jairus Byrd and gave up the best passing performance of the week. (Concerning for them at least. I'm fine with it, really. Take it or leave it. Either or.)
Next week: at Browns
28. Green Bay Packers (0-1)
Last week: 28
This week: Lost to Seahawks, 36-16
Seattle treated Green Bay like a milk hotel: They neutralized them!
I have no idea what that band is.
Next week: vs Jets
29. San Francisco 49ers (1-0)
Last week: 29
This week: Beat Cowboys, 28-16
You can hate the 49ers and still know that they aren't going away. A good rule of thumb I use for NFL teams: Take away their best player and now how do you feel about them? San Francisco is playing without arguably their best player, and they've still got a lot to brag about in terms of talent. That's not the case with the Packers or the Saints or the Broncos. Niners are more than one player, so even if Dallas isn't that great, that game was fair evidence that San Fran will beat average and bad teams fairly easily.
Next week: vs Bears
30. New England Patriots (0-1)
Last week: 30
This week: Lost to Dolphins, 33-20
I had them as my Super Bowl pick, so I have to stand tough for at least one week.
Next week: at Vikings
31. Denver Broncos (1-0)
Last week: 31
This week: Beat Colts, 31-24
If they hadn't added DeMarcus Ware and Aqib Talib, I wouldn't have them nearly this low. For now, they're a bit more than just Peyton Manning.
Next week: vs Chiefs
32. Seattle Seahawks (1-0)
Last week: 32
This week: Beat Packers, 36-16
It's like Jack Nicholson once told Helen Hunt and Greg Kinnear, "This is as good as fuck."
Next week: at Chargers