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What would it be like if the Seahawks were on Hard Knocks this year?

Because we all know that this team would be amazing on television.

Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports


Halftime of the preseason Week 1 game against the Denver Broncos. Head coach Pete Carroll is talking to the team.

Pete: Okay guys, bring it in. We're down 20-10, having a hard time moving the ball. Pardon my language but what the heck? I mean .. DARN!

Cut to defensive tackle Brandon Mebane, whose eyes grow wide and jaw drops after hearing Pete say the word "Darn."

Tom Cable: (Somberly) Coach.

Offensive line coach Tom Cable pulls a 3x3 square inch piece of bark and gnaws on it.

Pete: You're right, Cabe, I gotta keep myself calm. We all need to calm down out there and get the heck out there and have a better second half with --

Pete pulls out a small notebook from his back pocket and flips through it for about 10 seconds.

Pete: R.J. Archer? DB, is that right? Is that a misprint?

Offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell looks up from a game of Candy Crush that he's playing on his phone and shrugs his shoulders.

Bevell: Uhhh.

R.J .Archer: I'm right here, coach.

Pete: Does anyone know about this guy, Archer?

Archer: Coach, I'm right here.

Pete: DB, you sure this isn't supposed to be B.J. Daniels? Maybe E.J. Manual? Hell, I could even believe a T.J. Maxx. I've heard of that. Where you think I got these sneaks? You see these sneaks, Will?

Pete puts his left foot up on the bench and proudly displays his pure white ASICS. He taps cornerback Will Blackmon on the shoulder over and over again while pointing to his sneakers. Blackmon, eager to please but kind of annoyed, quickly answers.

Blackmon: Yeah, coach, I see 'em. Nice, coach.

Pete: How much you think these were?

Blackmon: I don't know, coach.

Pete: Come on, Willy B, take a guess.

Blackmon: I really don't know, coach.

Pete: Willy, I can't go back to the halftime speech until you guess.

Blackmon: Thirty-five dollars?

Pete: Dang, man, you take all the fun out of guessing when you're right on the nose. Good guess, Will. Good guess.

Pete turns back to the team and Blackmon slowly floats behind offensive lineman Alvin Bailey, as to get out of Pete's sight.

Pete: Alright, what were we talkin' about?

Cable: Archer.

Pete: Who?

Archer: Me!

Pete: Look, if no one is gonna speak up and announce themselves as this "Archer" kid, we're gonna have to put T-Jack back out there in the second half and no one wants that.

Zoom in on quarterback Tarvaris Jackson's face, and he gives a Jim Halpert-style smirk to the camera.

Cable: I think maybe it's number six.

Cable points to number six, RJ Archer.

Pete: Hey man, why didn't you say anything?

Archer: I d-

Pete: Okay, well here's your time to shine, CJ. Let's get out there, do some blocking, and earn a roster spot. Everyone has a shot to make this team!

Pete starts to walk out of the locker room.

Pete: Except for you and you.

He then points to backup long-snapper Nate Boyer and offensive tackle Russell Okung, who shoots an immediate "WTF?" face at the camera.


The Hard Knocks intro music starts to play, as the opening credits inter-cut clips of the Seahawks practicing. Russell Wilson runs around and makes a pass. Two players get in a tussle. Richard Sherman defends against Doug Baldwin. Two players fight. Marshawn Lynch gazes deeply into the atmosphere. Literally, Chris Matthews and Marcus Burley are in full boxing regalia and fighting against one another.



The team is in shorts and t-shirts, just running non-contact drills. Wilson is standing on the sidelines, talking to tight end Jimmy Graham.

Russ: I think you're gonna really like it here.

Jimmy G: Yeah, why's that?

Russ: Well, you're main job is to catch passes. So now that you're a Seahawk, you won't have to work as much.

The players continue to practice, showing Russ throw passes, as NFL Films narrator Scott Graham begins to speak.

Narrator: For quarterback Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks, the 2015 season is a chance at redemption for just one play.


The final play of the Super Bowl, as Wilson throws an interception to Malcolm Butler.

Narrator: Just one yard away from winning their second straight Super Bowl, the Seahawks must find a way to let the past live in the past and move forward without dwelling on whether or not they made the wrong call. That's especially true for Wilson, who could have just as easily been a Super Bowl hero if he had placed the ball in a slightly different spot.


Russ doing a talking head interview where he talks directly to camera.

Russ: After watching it over and over, at some point I just had to erase that play from my memory.

Russ sits there for about three seconds without saying anything.

Russ: I mean that literally. I went to our IT guy here in the facility and had him help me drag-and-drop the play into my recycle bin and then had to make the tough decision to empty the trash.

Mark Rodgers, Wilson's agent, can be heard from behind the camera. Subtitles appear on the screen of what he says.

Mark Rodgers (off-screen): What did I say about talking like that?

Russ: Sorry. I meant to say that I am a real person.

Russ stares blankly at the camera for seven long seconds.

Russ: If I weren't a real person, would I have a human girlfriend?

Rodgers (off-screen, with subtitles): Just say girlfriend!


Videos and images of Wilson with girlfriend, singer Ciara.

Narrator: Wilson and new girlfriend Ciara made headlines all summer long with their very public relationship, going so far as to tell the world that they weren't having sex until they were married.



Wilson and Ciara are sitting on the couch talking to the camera. Wilson has his arm around Ciara, who has her hand on his knee, looking cozy.

Russ: We just want to set a good example, live with divine morals and set forth on a righteous path. Hashtag BVD.

Ciara: Though I have reminded Russie that he's 1-0 in Super Bowl's when he's having sex and 0-1 when he isn't. (Laughs)

Russ: Ha. Ha. Well, we can only do that if I put a ring on it. Which reminds me--

Ciara gives a short, contained scream and puts her hands over her mouth.

Russ: Have you seen my Super Bowl ring?

He displays his Super Bowl XLVIII ring on his pinky finger. Ciara looks disappointed and smacks him on the shoulder.

Russ: Gonna do whatever it takes to win enough so that I can have an eleventh and twelfth finger installed on my hands so that I can wear them all at once.

Ciara: As far as our personal relationship goes, we're just taking it day by day and we know that because we're in the spotlight, we have to be the change we want to see in the world.

Russ: Yeah, it's all about all those little human children out there.

Rodgers (off-screen, subtitled): Just say children!



Carroll stands at the podium and addresses the whole team.

Pete: Okay, guys. I came here in 2010 to do two things: Win football games and chew bubble gum. Now listen up, I'm never gonna run out of bubble gum, okay? I've got four pieces in my mouth right now and you can't even tell. If you see me actually chewing bubble gum for sure, that means I have six pieces in, at minimum. I got four cases in my office -- that's CASES, okay, not packs -- and another ten in my garage at home. You know how many packs I chew a day, Willy B?

Blackmon closes his eyes and sighs.

Blackmon: I don't know.

Pete: Go on dubba-dubba-dubba-dubbya-bee. Guess.

Blackmon: I mean, I wouldn't even know where to sta-

Pete: Guess, Will! We're counting on you. Guess so I can go back to having this meeting.

Blackmon: 22?! I don't know!!

Pete: Well, dang it, Will. There's no fun in it if you get it right on the button. Yes, 22. I chew all 22 packs every day. Good guess, Will, got dabbit. What was I talking about again?

Archer: Winning football games.

Pete looks around the room.

Pete: Come on, anyone?! Surely, someone knows.

Archer looks at the camera with a look of disgust.

Cable: Coming here to win football games, coach.

Cable spits out a handful of lug nuts that he was chewing on into a coffee can.

Pete: Oh yeah, that's right. Guys, I'm not gonna run out of chewing gum, we've established that, but regardless we still wanna win football games. And that's exactly what we've been doing over the last three years, okay? 36-12 in the regular season. Six playoff wins. Two Super Bowls. One championship. If you buy into the Win Forever, Always Compete culture, I promise you that we will go back to the Super Bowl this season. That's a guarantee, okay? We've got a lot of new faces here this year and that's okay. But that happens with us every year and it's proven that when guys buy into our philosophy, good things happen. I'm looking at all you rookies and all you new guys to follow that same path and we are going to win a lot of football games this year. You all got that?

Team, all together: Yeah.

Pete: Everybody got that? How about you, Sacagawea?

Everybody looks around at each other, wondering who he's talking about.

Pete: Can you hear me, Spicoli?

The camera finds rookie offensive lineman Kristjan Sokoli, the first Albanian ever drafted into the NFL. He looks bewildered.

Sokoli: It's Sokoli.

Pete: Come again?

Sokoli: Sokoli!

Pete: Soccer-goalie.

Sokoli: Sokoli!

Pete: Stockfoley. Sock-holey.

Sokoli: Close enough.

Pete: Samardzija.

Sokoli: Now you're going backwards. Just call me Kristjan.

Pete stares at him for four seconds.

Pete: No.

Sokoli snaps his pencil in half.

Pete: Now look, everyone. I don't care if you're an undrafted free agent rookie who nobody else is giving a shot to make this roster, or Richard Sherman, we're all on the same team. We're all fighting for one common goal. It's "Always Compete" for a reason. Everybody here has a shot to make this team. Again, except for y'all.

Pete shoots a look at Okung again.

Okung: Seriously, what the hell, man?

Pan over to third-year running back Christine Michael, who is looking at Pete, holding his pencil and notepad.

Narrator: One player who many have speculated might not make the team, is former second round pick Christine Michael who for some reason has just 52 carries over his first two seasons.

Pete: Guys, write this down.

Michael goes to put the pencil to paper to take notes, but fumbles the pencil to the floor.



Michael is just walking around his house, doing normal household things. He's in the kitchen making eggs in a frying pan.

Michael (voice-over): It's been a pretty chill summer but I'm ready to get back to work. You know, like, playing in practice and watching football games. I just want to prove that I belong out there.

Michael flips the eggs in the pan.

Michael: Not a lot of people know that I've got a lot of talents besides just playing football. For example, I'm an excellent cook.

At saying that, he drops the pan he's holding onto the kitchen floor, ruining the eggs.

Now he's in a designated art room, painting a self-portrait on a large canvas.

Michael: A passionate painter.

He drops the paint brush on the floor.

Michael: Whoops!

Then he briefly lays his right hand on the canvas for a solitary second and it too somehow falls onto the floor face first, hitting a stool which breaks right through it, ruining the piece.

Michael: Oh phooey!

Now he's in the garage.

Michael: And an experienced carpenter!

Out of frame he picks up a handsaw and turns it on. The camera guy and rest of the crew, scramble away from him.

Michael: Hey, where are you guys going?! I was gonna build you a night table!

Now Michael is just sitting on the couch in his living room, talking to camera.

Narrator: He also displayed another hidden talent this offseason, releasing the mixtape "Django: No Lies" under his rap name "CMike."

Michael: I just wanted to have something else I could-

Narrator: Don't do it.

Michael: -- drop.



We go back to the Broncos game where we were in the beginning of the show, but now it's the second half and the Seahawks offense is out on the field. Archer completes a pass to B.J. Daniels. Pete Carroll is watching the game, patrolling the sidelines.

Pete: Who threw that? Who threw that?

He runs down the sidelines.

Pete: Hey did anyone see who threw that? Where's our quarterback. We got a phantom out there or something? I'm not okay with ghosts.

He quickly walks down the sideline until he finds the spot he was looking for. Right next to Will Blackmon. Blackmon starts to fade backwards into the sea of his teammates on the sidelines.

Pete: Willy B, where you think you're going.

He floats back to the front of the pack.

Blackmon: Nowhere coach.

Pete: Yeah, that's what I thought. You know anything about ghosts, Will.I.Blackmon?

Blackmon: Not really, coach. No.

Pete: Well, let me tell you something. I've had a number of ghost sightings at my house. Like, more than one.

Archer throws a touchdown to Thomas Rawls. Cable walks by.

Cable: We scored, coach.

Pete: Just a minute, Tommy Boy, I'm in the middle of talking to Good Will Blackmon.

Cable: Sorry, coach.

Cable walks away, puts on the Immortan Joe mask from Mad Max: Fury Road, and pulls out a military grade blow torch, shooting flames into the air.

Pete: Ghosts, Will. Ghosts. I've seen 'em. Can you guess how many I've seen, not counting tonight's g-h-o-s-t-q-b?

Blackmon: Can I please go?

Pete: How do you think this is gonna go down? You really think I'm gonna let you just walk away without a guess?

Blackmon: I DON'T KNOW!! SEVEN?!

Pete looks at him with contempt, knowing he got it right.

Pete: Get outta my sight.

We see the final score on the scoreboard, 22-20, no time left on the clock. The team heads back into the locker room. They're getting dressed and ready to go home.

Narrator: Though they would lose the game, the Seahawks saw that they had some real potential in the form of their new additions.

The camera shows Frank Clark, Ty Lockett, Jimmy Graham.

Narrator: Making it seem likely that if everything goes right for them this season, they'll have another chance to make the right decision, with precision execution, in February. Even if Carroll doesn't run out of bubble gum.





Narrator: Next week, on Hard Knocks: The Seattle Seahawks.

Marshawn Lynch is doing a talking head segment, but he's just staring at the camera and not doing any talking. It stays exactly like this for 28 seconds.

Lynch: I don't know what the fuck you thought was gonna happen.