clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Rapping with the Drunkard: The Houston Texans

The most fascinating drunk guy at this bar is here to tell you all about The Texans, their stupid state, their stupid team, their stupid logo, and their stupid coaches. Let's get weird.

Steven Bisig-USA TODAY Sports

Gather 'round my lads and my lasses. Gather 'round and let us talk about this weeks contest; The Seattle Washingtonians and The Houston Longhorns. You are right, I didn't call it a game, because this is real fuggin' life and we play for Pinks.

The Texans are about one more injury away from becoming the Raiders. They are helmed by the second ugliest QB in the league, they have fewer offensive capabilities than Costa Rica, and their staff is brimming with failed head coaches. Arian Foster? Oh Sorry! He is so good, because he is like an athlete but different. He tweets about Voltaire, and reads magazines, and listens to NPR. We get it Arian, you are unique among your peers. You are a special snowflake. Well, if I wanted a pretentious shit from Portland to run the rock, I would have signed Sven The Barista. Meanwhile, Marshawn Lynch is sitting by himself in a dark room, ripping the heads off Barbies and laughing quietly.

Oh, you're right Jeb, you guys DO have a defense!

Pffffffffart noise.

J.J. Watt? More like vaJ.J. Watt-Watt-In-The-Batt. We are not scared of your ogre, Houston; we brought a White Knight. Russell Wilson is a paladin, armed to the teeth with the Sword of Seattle, and backed by a force of vicious bastards who want nothing more than some good-ol'-fashioned Texans barbecue! Our offense is planning on running The Beast right at Watt's letterman jacket until he is all burnt out. Who needs an O-Line when you have a Vanguard? Who else...Andre? Andre the Giant? Please, Brandon More Brown will turn that Johnson into a Yoni. As a wise man once said: "don't do grown man shit, unless you're ready for some grown man consequences."

Go ahead and look at the forecast. What does it say? That is correct, Hazbro. It says rain. We are bringing our two main exports with us: moisture and shattered chest bones. Test us, Texans. Throw your prized bulls into our grinder. Ben Tate? More like Been Ate-By-Red-Bryant, am I right?! Our defense yearns for days like this. They desire nothing more than to wage war on foreign dirt, to rend open the gates of Reliant Keep, and to feast upon the lush fruits you have hidden inside. We are a mobile attack force, supremely equipped and fully operational.

Your feeble walls will not protect you--these monsters have marched forth from the grey north, intent on pillaging the sun-kissed sands of the South. After we have ravished the Minotaurs' lands to our fill, we will annihilate the Horse Lords, and return home to Seattle Citadel. Prepare yourself, Houston: a storm is cascading down upon you. teeth bared and swag engorged.

And it suffers no Texan to live.

Now, as is Danny's desire, I'm finna break down the film for you cool cats, and learn you a thing or two about The Football.

1. It will be interesting to observe our neighbors in Houston, seeing Russell Wilson live for the first time...


2. I am reminded of the first time I saw Hustle do his thing.


3. And I know that we have an awesome Defense, but we might not need them. Have you seen Houston try and catch the ball?


4. Seeing Schaub coordinate an offense is awkward and, frankly, offensive.


5. And then it shall be our turn, and Houston can't help but be buried under the tide Tumblr_mqjqptgray1r3gb3zo5_250_medium

6. You don't know what you're getting into, Minotaurs...


7. Yeah, our Offense has been slightly suspect this season, and thus you might feel as though you can hang. You cannot.


8. Our Offense is a warhammer. Our Defense is a...


9. Russell Wilson counterbalances this by being steady, calculating, and efficient.


10. As THE Drunkard, I've always wondered what I'd say to Rusty if I ever met him. Hopefully something that embodies my usual wit and taste.


11. Anyway, I'll be straight with you guys: the Texans have some moves, and they could actually pose a problem.


14. I would be scared of them, but thankfully I know exactly who Marshawn is...


15. ...And ain't no punk-ass Bull gonna stop that. We will keep reppin' on the steady.


16. Nobody in Texas wants it with us: The shoguns of Seattle.