The Houston Texans have been "on the clock" for the past 129 days. You’d think they would have made up their minds by now with all that time to decide on the number one overall pick in the 2014 NFL Draft. Apparently this is such an incredibly important decision they need to use the entire 130 days they’ve been allotted. Or, they just really suck at making a decision.
Had Houston made a relatively quick decision (say, after only 50 days) the entire draft could have been essentially completed by now, we could all move on with the offseason, countless hours of crucial sports journalism could not have been wasted and the world may have been made a better place with the newfound productivity of several million NFL fans.
Maybe Houston is finished in their scouting of Jadeveon Clowney, Teddy Bridgewater, Khalil Mack and Johnny Manziel. Maybe they find all of them unworthy of the [gold-plated 24 carat gold]NUMBER ONE OVERALL PICK[/gold-plated 24 carat gold]. Who, or what, could be so talented and so worthy of the high honor of the NUMBER ONE OVERALL PICK to help save the Texans franchise? What if every team is looking for the "best available everything"?
Let’s find out, shall we?
1. Houston Texans – The Big Bang
After finishing the season on a 14 game losing-streak, Houston is in dire need of an explosive athlete. Clowney has been hailed as one of the most explosive prospects in quite some time, but why stop there? Why not get the most explosive prospect in the history of the universe? It doesn’t get much more explosive, or superlative, than the singularity responsible for the expansion and evolution of the universe. The Big Bang has great range, amazing length and just keeps on going. Also, no motor issues. There may be some evidence it’s slowing down but that doesn’t show up on tape quite yet. Talk about a value pick at #1.
2. St. Louis Rams (via Washington Redskins) – Pangea
The trade of the 2012 #2 overall pick to the Redskins just keeps on giving for the Rams, who are able to solidify a porous offensive line with a prospect that can only be accurately described as a giant land mass. This prospect is huge, has great length to boot and is hard as a rock in the trenches. While not afraid of getting dirty, this is a very slow prospect and could be the biggest bust in the history of Earth. A very high-risk/high-reward selection to protect Sam Bradford.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Permian-Triassic Extinction Event
Gus Bradley has, up to this point, done an excellent job in helping rebuild a talent-bare Jaguars roster; several of his former Seattle players have joined him in efforts. However, the Jaguars still need some help, even after a successful offseason. While former Seattle LEO-extraordinaire Chris Clemons and five-tech Red Bryant have helped to solidify a thin defensive line, a huge disruptive force is still needed. David Caldwell reaches way back to select one of the most destructive forces in planetary history: an extinction-level event that wiped out about 90% to 96% of all species. Such a destructive, disruptive force on the inside would be sure to help out a Jaguars defense that ranked 28th in defensive DVOA last season.
4. Cleveland Browns – Velociraptors
Recently, Cleveland has been linked to Johnny Football and why not? Manziel is one of the more electric and exciting prospects to enter the league in some time. His improvisational skills at the quarterback position could be the shot in the arm the Browns’ offense needs to compete. However, velociraptors would bring amazing skill, cunning, power and a killer attitude with the same pick. The measurables for velociraptors are off the charts with their only major issues being arm strength.
5. Oakland Raiders – The Magna Carta
The Raiders once again show their affinity for superlative prospects, drafting one in the top five that calls itself "The Great Charter". This prospect's skill set will invariably limit the effectiveness of the Raiders best play-maker, Darren McFadden, but the rest of the offense will see much more freedom to operate overall.
6. Atlanta Falcons – The 47th Problem of Euclid
The Falcons had plenty of holes on both sides of the ball last season, primarily due to injury, age and infirmary. They, quite simply, need some answers in order to be able to contend again the NFC South. What better answer than the answer that unites geometry, algebra and trigonometry together: the 47th problem of Euclid? More commonly known as the Pythagorean Theorem, this critical mathematical equation could help the Falcons instantly find some answers and complete their math homework.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Black Holes
The Buccaneers decided this offseason they no longer considered themselves Schiano Men and have brought in Lovie Smith to return the pewter and red to their NFC supremacy of old. Also lost this offseason was star cornerback Darrell Revis, essentially rented for one year for $16 million dollars. His departure leaves a significant hole on defense and what better way to fill a hole than with another hole? A black hole could be an excellent cover corner, swallowing big, physical receivers whole and taking away an ball thrown their way, forever. There are concerns about this prospect’s dark character, however.
8. Minnesota Vikings – JuJuBees
I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t like JuJuBees?
9. Buffalo Bills – The Rise of Agriculture
It seems the Bills have been wandering about, scavenging for a playoff berth for years now. The organization would do well to settle down in one spot by drafting this prospect and reaping the bounties of this prospect’s talent for years to come. If Bills management wants to keep putting food on their family’s tables, they can’t pass over this pick.
10. Detroit Lions – The Hanging Gardens of Babylon
While the Colossus of Rhodes may have seemed the no-brainer Seven Wonder to be selected first, Detroit shocks the Ancient World by selecting the flashy Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Could contribute immediately to make an already good-looking offense much better but concerns abound as there isn’t any evidence on tape it actually exists.
11. Tennessee Titans – Oxygen
What better way to breathe life into a once-proud organization than by drafting one of the building blocks of natural life? With its ability to revitalize any organization, the Titans get an excellent value pick while addressing a need.
12. New York Giants – Electricity
After a dismal season from their offense the Giants need that spark to right the ship and bring them back to the playoffs. What better than harnessing the awesome power of nature and electricity? This prospect’s explosiveness jumps off the tape and can do things that really shock you. Their lightning fast quickness will really open up things for Eli Manning.
13. St. Louis Rams – Gamma Rays
After addressing offensive line concerns with Pangea at number two the Rams address their defensive secondary with this selection. A high energy prospect that radiates talent and leadership, Gamma Rays is very fast and extremely deadly. Incredibly powerful and deadly burst off the line.
14. Chicago Bears – Tupac Shakur
The Bears defense is currently in a transition period and even after signing defensive end Jared Allen, need an electric performer to light up Solider Field. Shakur is that clutch performer who can play above the rim when all eyes are on him. He looks like he's playing against the world every time he steps out on the field and his tape shows that. Shakur has an amazing flow to his game on field and would be an instant contributor in the Windy City.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers – Volcanoes
After absolutely blowing up the combine, volcanoes have risen up through the draft board as of late. This prospect is big, tall and strong and has that fire that you look for in a player. A little old but makes up for it with plus explosion.
16. Dallas Cowboys – The Declaration of Independence
America’s Team goes back to its roots with this pick. A revolutionary prospect that has set itself apart from its contemporaries. May be seen as a play to the fan base by owner Jerry Jones, this is a high-value pick that could produce results for years, despite its controversial nature. Any race and character concerns from early on seem to have been amended.
17. Baltimore Ravens – Chocolate Cake
A post-dinner stalwart should help solidify and add to the Raven's back-end. Some outlets are out there reporting this prospect as soft, fluffy and easily chewed up but the tape shows elite smoothness, a dense build and quite the bite. Will rise up with the heat is on.
18. New York Jets – Kal-El
Also more widely known around the league as "Clark Kent" this prospect had a combine performance that was out of this world. His ridiculous 2,000 pSPARQ score makes him just the type of athlete John Idzik is searching for. This Jets team has plenty of defensive talent but needs a leader on offense and Kent is just that. He has an unlimited catch radius, sees through defenders to the ball and is never outmuscled for the ball. Best alien prospect in this draft.
19. Miami Dolphins – Twitter
The Dolphins make the biggest first-round splash by snagging Twitter at nineteen. A quick, fast and instinctive prospect but youth, inexperience and focus issues are apparent on tape. Can be really annoying at times and really amazing others. Boom or bust potential.
20. Arizona Cardinals – Mount Everest
The Cardinals surprised many outside the NFC West last season by posting an 11-5 record and being the best team not to make the playoffs. The defense performed well, despite some age at key positions. The offensive line still has question marks but those questions are addressed with this pick. Everest has most size and length of any mountain prospect in this draft and rarely ever gets beat over the top. Always stays rooted and never gets moved off their spot.
21. Green Bay Packers – Genghis Khan
The Packers need some renewed attitude and leadership on defense so Khan makes total sense here. Fast, agile and brutal, Khan takes no prisoners on the defensive interior. Swarms double teams and constantly leaves a path of destruction in his wake on tape. This prospect could rise up and conquer the entire league in a few years.
22. Philadelphia Eagles – The Sun
The most explosive offense in the NFL last season adds to that with this pick. A prospect with size, length and pull, the Sun brings the heat every day and really shines brightly on the tape. A couple of spots are there on the surface as well as a few flares every now and then but always reliable to rise up consistently.
23. Kansas City Chiefs – Theodore Roosevelt
The Chiefs squandered a big lead on the road in the playoffs to Indianapolis. They need some strength, leadership and grit and this prospect has all of those in spades. Roosevelt will square up at the point of attack and deal out punishment to all comers. Roosevelt is a cowboy in the trenches and will give an edge to the Chiefs attack.
24. Cincinnati Bengals – The Combustion Engine
After running out of steam late in the season and in the playoffs, Cincinnati needs a jump to their motors to power through the post-season. This prospect has zero motor concerns, is explosive and can seemingly go for miles. Could really be the driving force for a major post-season run.
25. San Diego Chargers – Puppies
26. Cleveland Browns (via Indianapolis Colts) – Penicillin
The Cleveland Browns organization has been infected by mismanagement and disarray since its re-inception in 1999. The Browns attempt to cure what ails their organization and allow their newly drafted velociraptors to flourish on the field with this reliable draft prospect.
27. New Orleans Saints – The Moon Landing
In an attempt to reach the next level the Saints reach here to select an out-there prospect. The intangibles, especially grit and determination, are off the charts and this prospect has astronomical measurables. One glaring issue is whether what shows up on tape is actually real.
28. Carolina Panthers – William Shakespeare
With so many inexperienced receivers, an aging tight end and oft-injured running backs, Carolina gets creative here with this pick. This selection looks amazing on paper and could transform how we talk about the game.
29. New England Patriots – The RMS Titanic
A solid prospect for an aging offensive line. The RMS Titanic has great length and size but doesn't turn quickly or pivot well. Some risk with this pick though, as there are signs on the tape of this prospect springing a leak in pass protection.
30. San Francisco 49ers – The Pyramids of Giza
San Francisco was close to a second straight Super Bowl berth last season before running into Richard Sherman and Legion of Boom in the red zone. With only a few glaring needs and most of the top talent at those needs already taken, the 49ers solidify their defensive interior with a huge space eater. Almost seems like taking on three lineman at once on tape, the Pyramids stand out as defensive stalwarts, freeing up rushers to get to the QB.
31. Denver Broncos – Hercules, Son of Zeus
After being physically embarrassed in the Super Bowl Denver attempts to add some strength and physicality to their squad and they get that in bunches with this pick. Hercules performs some great feats of strength on tape and has a terrific club move as well as well-developed rip technique.
32. Seattle Seahawks – Earl Thomas
The defending Super Bowl Champions are in the enviable position of being able to take the next-best available demi-god still on the board and select Earl Thomas.
TOP PROSPECTS STILL AVAILABLE
- The Mariana Trench
- Abraham Lincoln
- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
- Teddy Bridgewater