clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Russell Wilson: An alternate universe

New, comments
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Imagine a world where Russell Wilson wasn't such a "swell guy." A world where he was no longer the consummate professional. A world where he talked back, misbehaved, and treated everyone around him like they were beneath him. Imagine that world.....

I did. Here's how I picture a take I'd have on that hypothetical situation...

4 Years After The Draft:

Didn't we know better, Seattle? I mean the guy literally shows up 20-30 minutes late for practice almost every week. He rides in on a motorcycle, the same one which has been rumored to be a part of a repossession investigation, dumps it on its side in a handicap parking space, and strolls onto the practice field -- I don't get it.

Are we really going to extend this guy? This is the same player who had that rushing touchdown in 2013 where he celebrated by jogging the ball over to an open armed child, extended it upward, and the moment the kid reached for it he yanked it back and threw it 15 yards into the bleachers. I guess the question becomes, "how badly do you want to win, Seattle?"

As our starting quarterback over the past four years sure he's been a success -- statistically speaking. We've made the playoffs four of four years, and won a Super Bowl title. Is he worth the headache though?

On draft night of 2012, Russell was quoted as saying, "I'm a racecar in the red, and when my engine blows I'm like a transformer and I morph into a helicopter. Now I don't know what the hell any of this means but I'd suggest you get that microphone thing out of my face before you wear it like a hat."

Was that not the most outrageous draft night commentary in history? It get's worse though. Two weeks later he's stopped by Seattle police. He was cited for having more occupants then there were seat belts inside his Bentley, and his response to the officer? "These women are supermodels, seat belts are for chicks in k-mart ads." So not only is he blatantly disrespecting the organization supporting him, but he's insulting the men and women of law enforcement, and K-Mart? Does he not know how pivotal K-Mart was to one-stop shopping in the early 90's? Ignorance is truly bliss.

It's time we re-think this decision about keeping Russell Wilson around. If not for the incidents I cited above, then definitely for the deal he's been demanding. He not only wants to be "the league's highest paid player ever, in the universe" but he's even gone on record to say, "If I can't buy the Taj Mahal and still have $300 million left in the bank afterwards then, Houston -- we have a god damn problem."

Well, curiosity got the best of me so I did some research. Conservatively speaking, it appears the Taj Mahal is valued somewhere in between $5 billion and $20 billion dollars -- essentially Russell is asking for a contract large enough to buy the Seahawks, who are valued at $1.3 billion, and then give himself another raise -- I give up, and Paul Allen should too.

The buck doesn't stop at just contract disputes with the Seattle Seahawks though, as there is still the impending legal battle between Russell and Bose that continues to rage on. It's a lawsuit that Wilson is unlikely to win, as current allegations imply that in late 2014, during a vacation in Las Vegas on a bye week, Wilson yet again went full on "DangeRuss Wilson." As the story goes, Russell got up on stage at a Future concert, tossed an unknowing stage roadie into the crowd, and then grabbed a back-up vocal microphone and screamed, "Bose builds the cheapest headphones since the guy who invented paper cups on a string -- don't be cheap, Dr Dre makes way better stuff, plus... he's a doctor".

No Russell, he is absolutely not a doctor, of anything, at all.

Sometimes even with all the wins Russell has accumulated, I still would prefer the circus side show of, say, a Ryan Leaf, versus whatever this limbo we are stuck inside of is called.

This is either a Freddy-Krueger-like nightmare, or the worst marriage anyone was ever duped into. It's gut wrenching, it's embarrassing, and to be quite honest it's a little unexplainable. With the fine tooth comb the Seahawks brass generally puts to their prospects, how did they miss this? In hindsight Russell Wilson was red wine on a white carpet obvious. A draft pick selection that that the Seahawks will forever be associated with -- a black eye on the city, if you will.

Because, as fans we value wins over reckless driving tickets, right? We value touchdowns over fist fights at EDM concerts, right? We value Super Bowl rings over dropping f-bombs live at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards show, right?

This city wanted to win so badly that they've supported, cheered, ignored and now considered re-signing the bad boy of the NFL, "DangeRuss" Wilson. It's truly a shame. Drink it in though Seattle... this is what striking out looking feels like.

All jokes and taeks aside...

With all the recent talks of leadership, scandal, and performance in the media -- ranging from the more serious Johnny Manziel stuff to on-field and post-game Cam Newton antics -- there felt like no better time to spotlight what a golden child Russell Wilson actually is. I mean, we'd burn this city to the ground if a single bit of this article was true, but the fact that it's just satire makes the entire idea of this Russell Wilson absolutely hilarious. Fans, and sports media alike poke fun at Russ for being such a "square," but obviously the complete opposite would be far worse. So you tell me Seattle -- is being a "square" that bad?